Thursday, January 22, 2015

Another Cheater Blog

Yea, I'm throwing that whole rule about not using my English papers for my blog out the window. Who thought up that rule any way? I think that I can safely promise that I won't post ALL of my papers. But this one is important to me as it talks about some of my reasons and goals for being in school. Read on.





The journal I have chosen for my English 102 project is the Journal of Holistic Nursing.  The journal’s mission statement is as follows:  Journal of Holistic Nursing (JHN) is a peer-reviewed quarterly journal with a focus on integrating holistic health concepts with traditional Western medicine. JHN provides a forum for caring and innovative nurses in clinical practice, research, individual wellness practice, and academia to exchange critical information, share clinical and personal experiences, and communicate research pertaining to nursing practice, health care, wellness, healing, and human potential.

On March 17, 2015 I will have worked as a licensed practical nurse for 33 years.  I have one foot planted firmly in Western medicine.  The other foot, however, is not.  I have studied energy medicine (working with the body’s energy field) for 25 years, been a licensed massage therapist for 19 years, and have studied and practiced shamanic and other healing techniques for as long as I can remember.  That “foot” is not recognized by Western medicine, yet I have seen the powerful healing effects these and other “alternative” modalities can provide to the body, mind and that unnameable thing some people call the soul.  Over these many years I have seen that strong line drawn in the sand between Western and Alternative medicines begin to blur.  I want to be a part of that blurring and more importantly, I want to be a part of the integration of these two camps.  I plan to do that as a teacher and innovator of the medical model that I envision that will bring all useful practices to the health care table.  The Journal of Holistic Nursing seems a good place to start for my research project as they have already been doing this kind of work.  

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A Pod







This is a pod.  This thing fascinates me.  One the first day of English I was the first one to walk into class and saw a room full of these things.  I was mystified and confused.  Are we supposed to sit in them?  And why are they on rollers?  What were we going to do with them?  In them?  I was a little scared so I slowed my pace and let other students overtake and pass me.  I watched to see what they would do.  Yes, you sit in them.  OK, I already sorta had that figured out.  But see that little basket underneath?  Not just a weird design flaw - you put your back pack in there.  And yes, the wheels are used, at least in this class they are.  We are always moving into small discussion groups.  But wait, it's not like in the olden days when you had to get up and and push a heavy chair/table combination around with it scrapping and scratching along the way...sometimes with the nails down the chalkboard effect (for those of you who remember chalk boards - topic for another blog).  Instead we stay seated and with a little push of our foot we are easily sliding into the new floor configuration.  And there's a little lip at the back of the table so your laptop doesn't slide off while you are taking notes.  What will they think of next?  Oh, but the best part of all - the cup holder.  Note to self:  Don't bring the big coffee mugs/water bottles.  They won't fit.







No, not that far back!







There it is.  Something along this line is what I used in high school.







And this is what I used in grade school.  Do you remember trying to hold papers and books on the table while you lifted it up to get something out?  Sometimes it worked and some times it all slid to the floor.  And no, that's not me pictured.  It's an internet somebody.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Shout Out and New Job

Overdue shout out to Allyanna in Admissions.  She is the sole reason I was able to get enrolled in less than a week.  She was infinitely calm and knowledgeable, not to mention encouraging.  I spent countless time with her last week on email, phone and face to face.  Bless you.

And did I mention I got a job on Monday?  Mind you this is after A YEAR of job hunting with no success.  Well, not true.  This year has been a huge success in figuring out where I am and who I am at this stage of life.  I wasn't to find a career job as my path is being in school.  So when I shifted gears and looked for a part time job to support my school efforts, it fell in my lap in less than a week.  BTW, I'll be working as a nurse....while I'm learning to be a nurse.  Ah, the ironies of life.




Temple of Bloom






Well, there it is.  The Temple of Doom.  Some call it the Mathematics building, but I know better.  Aside from having dyslexia, this is the biggest reason I have not previously returned to college.  Math was the center of all my hellish memories of school.  If those squirly numbers would just sit still and give a girl a fighting chance.  But I am a firm believer that we create our own reality.  Think of the book, "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne (but with more depth and complexity).  And also the book, "Super Brain" by Deepak Chopra and Rudolph Tanzi.  From this moment on, all of this "math equals trauma" shit is a thing of the past.  I mean it.  From now on, every time I pass this building, I smile and send out the thought that I can't wait until next term when I get to take my first math class.  I thank Math for all the wonderful things it does and how it helps me in my life.  I'm not aware of those things just yet, but that knowledge is forth coming.  I shower this building and all who work here and learn here with light and love.  Here is where I blossom and become the math wiz that I was always meant to be.  Tonight when no one is looking, just under the word "Mathematics", I'm going to spray paint the words, "Temple of Bloom".   


The Card Catalog



OK, I wasn't going to do this. I wasn't going to post my school papers. I mean how boring is that (and it feels like cheating too). But my very first paper assignment in English 102 College Writing and Research is, "In at least 250 words tell how you did library-based research in high school/previously". Well, I figure this lends its self to my blog intention so I'm going to break the rule now...and when ever else I want to break it.

So here is Susan's very first college paper in 36 years. Prepare to be wowed. And I'm kinda liking the font. Very card catalogish. (and if you weren't there, you're not going to get it)



The last library-based research I did was when I was in high school thirty six years ago.  To say that things have changed since then would be an understatement.  For example, no one had heard of computers in those days.  I don’t have a clear recollection of the research process but I do remember coming up with an idea for a paper and then taking that idea to the library.  There I would browse through the card catalog with a paper that had been cut into small squares and a short #2 pencil to be used to write down the information found on the book or periodical:  author, title, subject and the shelf number.  Next I would search for that particular book on the indicated shelf and hope that no one else would have already checked it out because in that case there was nothing to do except to wait until the book had been returned.  Too often the case, the return date of the checked out book was after the date that my paper was due.  The other resource I remember was the ever efficient and helpful librarian.  I would expect that they are still there and more prepared than ever to assist those doing research.  That’s just the kind of folks they are.  (I know because my mother was a librarian)  I assume that modern day research revolves around the internet.  I have done plenty of personal searching on the internet looking for information on various topics of interest.  But I would suspect there is more to it than that when writing a research paper.  It is all a bit of a mystery to me at the moment but one I look forward to solving.





Tuesday, January 13, 2015

The Cost of Books

ouch

Paper Is In

For the first day of school I marched onto campus with all the essentials:  map of the school, class schedule, laptop and lined notebook paper (just in case).  Turns out they do still use paper.  Lots of it.

So what was my first day like?  Have you ever had the experience where you are anticipating something that you think you might know what it's like, and you've read all about it and you've asked people who have experienced it, but you never tried it before? You can't be sure what it's really like.  Sort of like child birth.  Believe me, no one can adequately prepare you for that one.  Even so, my brain has tried to configure every possible scenario of what school in 2015 would be like.  I'm exhausted from it all.  Welllll, it was good.  So much better than I thought it would be.  Surreal and off balancing, but good.  Oh, and I have homework!  How sweet does that sound.  I know it's naive and we are in the honeymoon stage, homework and I.  I know that this sublime feeling may only last for a short while, and after...however many years it takes me to graduate...I may come to loath those words, "I have homework".  But for right now, it is sweet honey to my soul.

My teacher Dr. L was a non-traditional student. (Not sure I can/should use real names in a blog so I'll go with fake one's for now)  That's also me, a non- tran.  That means someone who is coming back to school after being gone for a long time.  We had been emailing about a question on the class when we made this discovery of our commonality.  She was so kind and supportive.  It made walking onto the big unfamiliar campus a much easier thing to do.  I knew one friendly person there and it helped that she would be my instructor, of all things.  I'm so grateful for small yet poignant blessings.  It's the little things that ease us through life I think.  Dr. L teaches a study skills class.  I wanted a good foundation for the rest of my student career.  Mind you, computers didn't even exist when I went to school (OK, I know they existed but no one knew about them and they filled an entire room so that doesn't count).  And I'm digging my classmates.  All under 12 years old (it seems), but great diversity.  I adore diversity.  And I love to hear the story.  Any story.  Where are you from? What brought you here?  Just for starters.

There were only three Boise long-time residents.  The rest of us are transplants from elsewhere and accents from around the world.  I want them all to be my besties.  Oh what fun!  OK, I know I'm being over the top.  I will cool it and be socially appropriate.  And I have already vowed to myself not to pull a Hermione Granger with my hand up in the air all the time (though the difference in this analogy is that Hermione would actually know the correct answers).  But I could see me jumping in just for the shear thrill of the discussion.  I love learning and I especially love learning and exploring in a group.  Maybe, I'll be "socially appropriate" but with a shinny glow around the edges.




You know she wants to raise her hand.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Sunday, January 11, 2015

BRING IT!

Feeling a little shaky but mostly ready for my first day of school tomorrow.  I say BRING IT!

Saturday, January 10, 2015

I just can't tell you yet

OK, I did it.  I scheduled my spring term at BSU...which starts in less than 48 hours!  I've totally been freaking out for two days about this since they sent me the official notification that I am a student and can now enroll.  Between trying to figure out how to work the computer system to actually enroll myself in the classes, wanting classes that are mostly already filled, and trying to take classes that they say I don't need because I took them 35 years ago, has been a traumatic experience for me.  Though perhaps I should pat myself on the back because I ONLY derailed for two days.  I even made myself physically ill last night - a major crash and burn.  But it was nothing that taking a nap, listening to Clockwork Prince (down loadable library book on OverDrive), and playing Candy Crush couldn't cure.  All effective avoidance techniques that I highly recommend.

But I'm still too freaked out to tell you what I actually signed up for.  It's all too strange and weird and wonderful.  I took classes that I actually want to take and some of them aren't even required for my major which is part of my freak out and embarrassment.  Am I really allowed to do that?  My hands are shaking.  Let me go to school for a week or two first and then I'll see if I feel brave enough to tell you.  Right now it feels like I going to explode.  OK, maybe that's not realistic but I FEEL like I will explode or that they will arrest me or that the world will come to a crashing end.  But if none of those things happen then I'll tell you my class schedule.  But for now I need to breath and find my phone and ear buds.





Thursday, January 8, 2015

Spitting Mad and Freaking Out

I am so pissed!  I got the notification this afternoon that I'm enrolled as a student.  OK, that's the good news and yippie for that.  I only started this process on Monday (1/5/15) given the fact that I decided to go to school over the holidays so Monday was really the first day I could start the process of enrollment.  And I had no clue how to do any of that.  It's been countless hours of hunt and peck and many phone calls trying to figure out each step.  But I'm good at that sort of thing and I'm figuring it out.  But I digress.

I've been trying to sign up for classes.  The one class I really want is English 101.  I figure it's the foundation for many other classes.  I've got to know how to write a college paper among other things.  Oh, I stumble through a blog alright I suppose and I get close to being correct on the grammatical front, I think.  (Ha, not sure I quite made it with that sentence - but I'm leaving it in to prove my point that I need this class!)  I'm hopeless at spelling but you'll never know that thanks to Spell Check.  So get this, when I sign up for the class I get a pop up that says I can't sign up for this class because I already took it and also it would make me lose my financial aid (they won't pay for a class I have already taken).  Yes I took this class before.....35 years ago!  Do they really think I remember anything from a class I took 3 and a half decades ago?

English is not the only class I took so long ago that I will need as a foundation to achieve a nursing degree.  I graduated as a licensed practical nurse in 1982 so there are a handful of classes that translate to my pre nursing requirements.  For example, how will I ever pass the nursing boards without a refresher on anatomy and physiology?  But the one on the very top of this list is math.  I can balance a check book and figure out a tip and, well and that's about it.  If I can't retake the basic math classes prerequisite to the mandatory statistics class for my major then I am totally and thoroughly screwed.


Plan:

1.  Stop freaking out.

2.  Stop thinking fatally.  (as in, my college career is over before it has begun - I haven't even started one class yet!)

3.  Try and get some sleep.  It's now 0530.

4.  Go into admissions and talk to someone today.  Surely I can't be the only older student who has crossed this path.  Though the few people I have talked to so far seem to never have heard about it and can't figure out why I'm not happy that I don't have to take these classes over again.  I'm not in the mood to be a trail blazer.  I just want to go to school.

The Bone Collector Reversed

Still not sleeping much.  I finally did a reading.  I have several forms of divination that I like to use but one of my favorites is the oracle cards called The Enchanted Map by Colette Baron-Reid.  I so wanted this to be about someone or something else.  But as is so often the case, it has nothing to do with anything outside my own skin.  But then again, that means I have complete control over what to do about it.

I drew the Bone Collector - Reversed.  This card reminds me that I am whole and have everything I need within, which I believe but forget and need to be reminded from time to time.  In it's reversed position this card says that the past has a way of repeating itself when I haven't learned the lesson inherent in the original situation.  I am to see myself as a whole being and not one who is perpetually trying to heal an old wound.  I will repeat the past if I don't reclaim the things I believe were lost.  The information I seek lies in my history.  It is not time to dance the old dance once again but instead it is a call to retreat and choose differently.  The Bone Collector has a message:  "If you do what you did, you'll get what you got."  This message is given with deep love, respect and protection.

While this could refer to several things, the issue that jumps out to me is the one that made my school years a painful, traumatic experience.  I have dyslexia.  I hear they now have better ways of helping students with dyslexia, but in the 60s and 70s I don't recall any help other than being told to "read faster" and "get more homework done".  I can't put into words how terrifying those years were for me.  I didn't really understand what was wrong with me, I just knew something was very wrong.  I carried the labels of "Lazy" and "Stupid" well into my adult years.  After some good therapy and a life time of experiences that contradicted those labels, I now know that I am not at all lazy or stupid.  But I don't yet know it in the context of being in school.  It's amazing to me how traumas from long ago can suddenly feel fresh and raw.  I feel nearly paralyzed with the thought of being in a classroom setting again.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like I can't breath.  I've taken classes for fun over the years, but not college.  I think this has been a big part of the anxiety that has been building this week.  (I only decided to go back to school about 2 weeks ago so this is all very new to me).

Plan:  Sit with the reminder that it is time to let go of the old dance and to choose differently.  I have everything within me that I need.  This doesn't mean that I will be successful in school. I may not even be able to get through the first semester.  But I feel drawn to do this and trust that it is the next step.  I realize in this moment that I have always regretted not trying to go back to school.  Now I can let go of that regret.  My dream is to experience school again, regardless of the outcome.



  

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Courage

Such an anxious night.  (See prior post)  My partner is a healer and he worked on me in the wee hours of the morning releasing much of the tension and angst.  He has been my rock through this and all of my challenges.  I was able to sleep some and now feel tired, but calm.  I was just standing at my kitchen window and a magnificent kestrel landed just in front of me.  If it hadn't been for the glass I could have reached out and touched him.  I have always felt a deep connection to birds of prey.  I was breathless as I feasted on this up close view.  I could see the individual feathers, beak, talons and oh, his eyes.  He was looking at me and I felt him say the words, “I want to do something for you.  Is that alright?”.  I felt hesitant but jumped at the invitation and thought back to him, “Yes!”.  With my permission he came into my heart and the magic that he brought feels like Courage.  It emanates from me.  From my heart.  





The Zone

I learned today that there are several stations situated around campus called The Zone.  It's the greatest idea ever!  It's for technology assistance.  The official website states that they will help with a ton of things and is - get this - a "personalized concierge service for all of your Boise State technology needs".  It even says it will help me get rid of pop-ups on my personal laptop.  Who does that and where have they been my whole life?  I do believe I am in love.  And they have equipment to checkout from computers to cameras and items I've never heard of. But they are there should I ever happen to take a class that would teach me what they are and why I would have a need to check one out.  

I walked by one of The Zones today and sure enough, there it was.  A quiet area with computer stations and a couple of very nice looking young men standing there ready to be helpful.  OK, I'm going to say this once and only once.  I mean it, only once.  Everyone looks SO YOUNG!  OK, that's it.  I'm not going to say it again.  Just know that I'm thinking it.  I believe these young men are in junior high, but quite intelligent looking and I'm sure capable of doing the job.  






In the final week count down before classes start I find that I can't quiet my mind.  I constantly try to anticipate what this school thing will be like.  I'm perseverating to the point of madness.  The fact that I am posting this at 2:30 AM is indicative that my Monkey Mind chatters on.  And now I fret that if this persistent insomnia continues I will become too ill to attend my first classes on Monday.  Arrrrggh, the perseveration continues.  If I could just start school I think it will calm my troubled brain or at least distract it with some actual real life projects/assignments/concerns/learning.  In the meantime I have The Zone.  I hold the thought of it like an anchor.  I understand that it's meant to be more of a technological assistance, but could I wonder in from time to time when I need to see the physical evidence that there is help on the ready?  Someone who knows the answers to the questions I will inevitably have.  A physical space where I can go where they know stuff, the mysterious stuff of the Technologically Learned.  On particularly bad days when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed could I just go into The Zone and sit there for a spell?  Maybe they wouldn't always be able to fix what ails me but I envision visits like that to a shrine.  A place of contemplation and renewal.  I could take offerings: fruit, incense, spirits.  And if I'm really good and quiet and not much bother perhaps they could just hold my hand now and then in a kind, knowledgeable, comforting sort of way.  God bless and keep The Zone and all who dwell there.


Sunday, January 4, 2015

The Mature Student

Don't you love my profile picture?  In truth I posted it temporarily because it's all I have right now (taken last fall at the Thrill the World 2014 Boise zombie dance - Google it if you haven't heard of it - it's international).  But then I realized it goes well with my blog title - The Mature Student.  Though looking at the picture perhaps one would think "old, decaying, dug up - and then started school" student.  Current thought - keep the pic.


Ah, but let me clarify.  The word "mature" can mean so many things.  Old, yes.  But I don't use that word when referring to myself.  I don't buy into societies concept of Old.  It seems so limiting and useless.  But at 54 years old and starting school in a week after 33 years of not being in school, I am feeling... lost.  And of course so many things have changed since I graduated as a licensed practical nurse in 1982.  Does anyone even remembers the early 80s?  I was going through some old boxes yesterday and found a ream of lined notebook paper and my immediate thought was, "score, I can use this for school!"  Second immediate thought, "Do they even use lined notebook paper in school any more?"  I have no idea.  It's these little unknowns that make me feel so off balanced right now.

I would like to think the word "mature" stands more for "wizened" at this stage of my life.  I may not be book-learned but I know a thing or two.  I've had experiences galore and lessons-learned aplenty.  I will also embrace how academia most likely looks at me, an older person who has been in the work force for many years and back in school as a freshman.  Whatever the definition, I feel confident, capable, clueless, and scared shitless.  

Writing has always been a way for me to process my world.  I have journaled since 1972.  Does anyone even remember the early 70s?  I'm going modern (being a current student and all).  I'm tossing out the lined notebook paper and creating a blog.  All of this sounds riveting to me, and most likely only to me.  However, whether you are a voyeur, cheerleader, or a good advise deliverer, I welcome you all along for the journey.