My Twenty Russian Besties

     Something strange is happening.  You see, I have three ardent blog fans.  (Shout out to my niece and two sisters!  I love you guys!!)  They are the only ones who read this blog, which is just fine with me because I didn't start this crazy thing for anyone but myself.  As I have mentioned before, writing helps me process my thoughts, and make sense of my experiences.  Well, the strangest thing happened the other day, someone on campus told me they liked my blog.  Whaaat?  What blog?  My blog?  How is that possible?  I chalked it up to a fluke, but then it happened again.  

     After being freaked out for about a week, I decided to see if I could tell who was looking at my blog.  Don't laugh, I had never blogged before and didn't really know how this whole thing worked.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself just for figuring out how to post to the blog.  I hadn't looked beyond that.  Well, turns out, there is this whole section called "Stats".  Holy Shit!  Somebody is looking at this blog!  Now, I figure a lot of these numbers are folks clicking through the "next blog" button in the middle of the night during an insomniac session while on the computer.  But hey, somebody saw it.  I even have 20 hits from people in Russia!  How cool is that?  I love living in this time of global community possibilities.  I want to know my new Malaysian friends and who knows, maybe next year I'll go visit my bud in Kenya.  I can't wait!

Page from my Blog Stats

Pageviews by Countries  Entry Pageviews United States 363 Russia 20 Malaysia 3 Kenya 1

Fun Two

     For inspiration on me remembering me, here's my Digication "Welcome" page.  For those of you who are lost because you are reading this blog backwards - see blog post, "Fun is a tricky word, use it carefully".  

     My name is Susan and I am a student at Boise State University.  I am working towards my Bachelor of Arts degree in Multidisciplinary Studies with certificates in Leadership and Human Relations, and Dispute Resolution.  

     I have had a wonderful, full life, but I'm ready for a change.  I am excited to be back in school, and I look forward to using my life skills, in combination with my newly acquired educational skills for a successful career in leadership.  

     In my spare time I like to ride my bike, a 696 Ducati Monster.  Lavender no less.  I moved here from Portland where I was involved in a motorcycle club.  I look forward to joining a new club here, but that may need to wait until after graduation.

      In Portland I was a member of the "Castaways", a Dragon Boat team.  What a lot of fun (and hard work) that was!  I have wished many times that the Boise river was deeper so I could start a team here.

     One tradition that I am continuing here in Boise is dancing Thriller with the Thrill the World organization.  We synch up with folks from around the world, to break the record every year for the most people dancing Thriller at the same time.  Crazy fun!  And don't forget the costumes and makeup.  Inevitably, my group of friends would get invited to preform at Halloween parties, and to join in with Flash Mobs around town.  Thrill the World happens every October, so if you want to dance Thriller next year, just let me know!  

 Theme - Prom Party Gone Horribly Wrong (I'm second from the right)

 Theme - Haunted Hippies (I'm second from the left)

Dancing on the lawn of a Halloween party.  The guests didn't know we were coming.

(I'm front left)

Fun is a tricky word, use it carefully

     This time last year I was pretty depressed.  OK, scary depressed.  Not to the point of having an exit plan, but more to the point of hovering between functioning and non.  I was talking to a friend about this one day and she asked me, "So what do you do for fun?"  I didn't know.  I'm serious, I had no idea how to answer her.  And after a few days when I still couldn't answer this question, I knew I was in trouble.  Being the good psych nurse that I am, I had a keen understanding that if one is to have a decent mental health status, then one really ought to be able to answer this question.  Still, nothing.  

     I figured this was a key to understanding my current serious depressive state.  Fun is multi layered and could mean many things.  For example, anything from party girl, to meaningful moment with a loved one.  But I believe that at the heart of the kaleidoscope of funful ideas, is the more mature cousin, joy.  After many professional and personal interactions with depressed people, I would say that depression and joy don't seem to coincide much.  So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  The abundance of depression or the absence of joy?  I don't know.  I suspect that it's complicated, involving situational episodes and individual brain chemistry.  

     But more importantly, I felt that my prayers had been answered and I had the trail head step of figuring out what to do next to pull me out of this very dark, and fearful place.  "What could I do that would be fun?"  I took it to meditation.  I sat with it daily for several weeks before I got my first inkling.  At first, it was just a slight flutter of energy, something off stage in the wings.  I couldn't quite see it or hear it, but I knew it was there.  "What could I do that would be fun?"

     Once upon a time, I did fun things.  A recent school project brought this back to mind.  Among other things, we had to present a "Welcome" page to our digital project (ePortfolio on Digitation) which included pictures and descriptions of who we are.  It shocked me to revisit those things that I so recently enjoyed.  We aren't talking ancient history here folks.  More like a couple of years ago at best.  How could I have forgotten?  How had I let those important parts of me go?  Or was it a good thing to let them go?  I'm a firm believer in the Time and Seasons of our lives.  I watch for the natural ebb and flow in life and in relationships.  I no longer fry to force that tide, but rather, go with it.  For reasons I won't explain here, I had been in a Season of Quiet for which I do not regret.  But my depression was telling me it was time to shift and I had missed the boat.

     "What could I do that would be fun?"  Over the next several days the answer finally emerged into a fully formed thought.  "Learning something would be fun."  I had it!  The answer!  My mind went wild.  I could sign up for a local cooking class, or maybe go really crazy and take a community class in something like gardening or Qigong!  Oh, the possibilities were endless.  Little did I know at the time, this line of thinking would soon have me sitting in a Boise State University classroom with a bunch of kids younger than my son.  

     As to which past fun activities I will bring back into my life, I do not know.  Being a student now, time is an issue of course.  But I do know that I will always make sure that something that brings me joy is included in my life.  In the mean time know this, "fun" is a tricky world, use it carefully.  You never know where it will take you.

If you're gonna go big, go Burnside

     As a psychiatric nurse case manager, I would have to go to court from time to time, if one of my clients ended up in the judicial system.  Which unfortunately, is not uncommon for folks with major mental health issues.  I'm not going to touch that particular subject just now - it's an issue that's critically important to me and to society, but way too complicated for this little post.

     Rather, I was thinking of a particular experience I had with one of my clients.  She had been arrested for walking down Burnside naked.  Now, if any of you have been to Portland, you know that Burnside is a hoppin' place pretty much 24/7.  I'm sure she had quite a bit of exposure before the police showed up.  

     She and I had a fairly good relationship as I had been meeting with her at least twice weekly for nearly a year.  I hadn't really grilled her about the incident because I knew she had been very psychotic at the time, so there really wasn't a "right and wrong" discussion to be had.  More of a, "let me help you remember the importance of taking your medications" conversation, which we had all the time.  As we were sitting on the bench in the hall waiting to be called into court, I asked her, "Why did you do it?"  She was very clear that day and said, "I know now that it wasn't a good idea, but at the time it felt like it would be very freeing".  And I thought, "She's right.  She's absolutely right".  Our crazy society and it's uptight rules.  Being the good mental health nurse that I am, I didn't say it out loud, but in my head I was thinking, "You go girl!"

Tiara Count

   

     Anyone who knows me well, knows that I want a tiara.  Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for sparkly things.  Or maybe it's because everyone secretly wishes they had one, but I'm the only person brave enough to admit it.  (I lean towards the later)

     I had a mental health client once who wore tiaras.  As a psychiatric nurse case manager, you really ought not to covet your patient's possessions.  But I did.  More importantly, I coveted her ability to wear them.  I may be brave enough to say that I want one, but my hutzpah stops there.  I rarely saw Stephanie without one of her mini crowns.  She would always come to the office fully decked out in hair, clothes and make up.  She was a sweetheart and I adored her.  

     I soon realized that I could gage, with a fair amount of accuracy, her level of psychosis by the number of tiaras she wore.  One was baseline, and nothing to be concerned about.  But when she showed up wearing two tiaras at the same time, I knew to be more attentive and to follow up with an extra home visit the next day.  Three tiaras?  Well, by the time she got to three tiaras she was so psychotic that she was barely functional enough to get to the office.  I think I only saw it twice.  

     Stephanie, where ever you are, just know that you are my tiara hero!

     

Moratorium

     I haven't watched TV for years.  This has been good for my soul, and my brain, and my general good health and well being.  Don't get me wrong, I totally check out the Flixs, but I can't stand commercials, and I can't stand bad (most) TV.  Also, I want to watch when I want to watch, which is usually at crazy hours, and quite possibly in segments - especially since school.

     There is one unfortunate down side to this blissful way of life, I am totally ignorant of certain pop culture.  You'd be surprised how many times people refer to commercials, for example.  It's like they revert momentarily to a foreign language mid sentence and then back to English again.  While I'm thinking, "what did she just say?", everyone around me is laughing at the reference.  To be popular and hip, or to be TV ignorant?  I think I'll continue my moratorium and take my changes at being dull and missing the point.

Pi/Pie

     Is it just me or does anyone else think that there must be a correlation between the two?  You know, Pi - circle, and Pie - circle.  Or is this a common factoid that all humanity knows except me?  If so, be kind and don't scorn.  I didn't even know what a Pi was.  And isn't that just the freakiest thing you ever heard?  How does it do that?  3.14159 every time!  My mind is officially blown.

     So, who's gonna research this circle comparison thing for me?  I just don't have time - too much math homework.

The Pop Tart Demise

     As in, my demise via Pop Tart.
  
     I've got an allergy to gluten...among other foods.  But I tell you what, I'm in gluten free heaven these days as everyone seems to be on that band wagon and suddenly there are so many grocery store options.  I don't even need to make a special trip to the health food store any more.  Even Winco has a gluten free section now.

     I tend to eat pretty health: organic when I can find and afford it, only ingredients I can pronounce and nothing that can survive a year on the shelf or a nuclear blast - which ever comes first.  I didn't always eat like this.  I grew up with your typical American diet of canned veggies, sugared cereals for breakfast, and processed everything.  Remember, I'm a child of the 60s.  I was well into my 40s before I understood the word, "tofu".  So my nostalgia, comfort foods. . . well let's just say, they shouldn't really be eaten.  My favorite meal growing up (that I got to choose for dinner on special occasions i.e. birthdays, graduations and other large, memorable events) was always the same:  Velveeta tuna casserole, which consisted of noodles and tuna swimming in a sea of melted Velveeta cheese.  Like I said, shouldn't be eaten.

     So imagine my delight last night when I found gluten free Pop Tarts.  Gluten or not, when is the last time I ate a Pop Tart?  Though it did not contain flour, I'm quite sure it was riddled with preservatives and other scary fillers.  I didn't even bother to read the ingrediants list.  I just wanted to eat a Pop Tart again.  So I'm sitting here in the SUB with coffee and a Pop Tart.  Yep, it tastes pretty nasty.  But I don't care, I'm having a slightly altered nostalgic moment.

Introducing, Boise State University's newest organization!

     One day, not long ago, I was sitting in my Leadership 325 class when the professor was talking about vulnerability and connection.  Can I just say again, what a thrilling surprise it has been to talk about these kinds of aspects of a leader, in school - not what I expected, but so happy to fine them taught in the leadership field.  Included in this particular lecture, was the TED Talk by Bene Brown about vulnerability.  All of a sudden I had one of those intuitive moments where clarity dawns and I know, without any sliver of a doubt, what I am to do next.  I have learned the hard way over the years, not to ignore this feeling.  Even if it doesn't make any sense (and to tell the truth, these kinds of moments rarely do make sense).  I now know to just jump in head first.  The moment of clarity?  I am to start a women's spirit drum circle on the BSU campus - duh.    ;)

     I have been involved with this kind of group for 20 years.  It is a rock to me, a place where I recharge my batteries and remember who I really am and what I'm doing here.  It is a safe place where women gather to share their stories, a time to speak and a time to listen.  It is a place of healing that includes free style drumming from the heart, and guided meditation while sitting in sacred space.  This group is for women and persons who identify as female.  All female stories are welcome here.  

     I have seen, time and time again, how this kind of gathering allows for vulnerability, and then in turn, creates a deep connection that I rarely find anywhere else.  I can't wait to experience it on campus.

     And by the way, if you have not seen Brene Brown's work, watch this TED Talk.  Now.  You will thank me.

https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o

Author, Denis Johnson

     I've always been awed, and a little bit afraid of authors.  I mean, who are these guys/gals?  How do they do what they do?  Do they even live in our human realm, or just visit it on occasion?  I got to glimpse one of them last night as he made a visit.  Geesh, I'm even nervous writing about an author.

     His name is Denis Johnson and he spoke at BSU last night.  He's an acclaimed writer and is currently teaching at BSU.  I kept thinking all night, how do I get into one of his classes?  But I know I'd never have the courage to do something like that.  I'm quite sure it would require a whole lot of prereqs and a bunch more talent than I posess.  Ah, but to be a fly on that wall!

     But back to my God-like-awe of authors.  I was somewhat surprised to find him seemly shy, personable and humorous.  Very humorous, but in a subtle kind of way.  He mostly read some of his unpublished writings.  That was frustrating.  Other than to audaciously ask him if I could possibly photo copy his lecture notes, how am I ever going to read that stuff again?  I'm still thinking about some of his stories from last night - which to me, indicates a good read.  If it still has my attention days later, if I'm still trying to process the experience, then I know I have stumbled upon something important.

     In preparation for Mr Johnson's lecture, I have just read two of his books (aka in Susan's dyslexic world - listening to recorded books).  They were intense, difficult to listen to books, not meant for the light of heart.  And I can't wait to reread them.  There was so much going on, I'm quite sure I'll catch more on the next reading.  That's the thing about reading a really well written book, I know there are so many layers happening that I'm just beginning to scratch the surface of understanding.  It makes me want to go back and dive deeper, to talk to someone else that has read it too, to get their perspective and insight that might help to further my own.  Oh the divine agony of it all!

     I was going to tell you about Jesus' Son.  I don't think I can.  Just read it.  I will say, that it was voted one of the best works of American fiction published in the last 25 years.  I'm still mulling it over.  Want to talk about it after you read it?

     OK, this one really got to me.  I think it's because of all the work I have done with Veterans as a mental health nurse.  If this author wasn't in the Vietnam war, he certainly did his research.  As far as I can tell, he nailed it.  Needless to say it's a gut wrenching story, but not your typical war story.  Wait, are any of them "typical" war stories?  Lord no, what am I saying?  So, this is one story.  Or rather, many intersecting stories.  And yep, I'm still mulling this one over too.

She's Rockin' the Trinomials!

Directions - Simplify your answer

( 4x - 7w - 5 )  ( 6x + w + 7 )


The answer

24x2 - 38 wx - 2x - 7w2 - 54w -35


And yes, that is the correct answer.  And yes, I came up with it all by myself.  And yes, I'm feeling pretty damn proud of myself right about now!

Gibberish

The instructions say,

Multiply a univariate polynomial by a monomial with a positive coefficient.

Swirl

     I haven't mentioned it yet because I was hoping if I didn't talk about it, it would turn out not to be true.  But alas, no amount of supreme avoidance behaviors on my part has made any difference.  I got a 65% on my last math test.  This is doubly bad.  Not only is that not a good grade, but I honestly thought I was going to get a grade in the 90s.  How could I have been that far off?  30 percentage points off.  Can you say math clueless?  I am now spending two days a week in the math lab - more on that later.  In the mean time, I'm watching my pristine, BSU, 4.0 GPA, as it goes swirling down the toilet.