This is what my life feels like right now.  This card I drew this morning after meditation gives me comfort. The Chaos and Conflict card By Colette Baron-Reid From the Wisdom of the Oracle deck Prosperity Message: Circumstances appear to be chaotic, but everything that is happening now is in truth shaking things up so you can find the real path to your prosperity.  Yes, it's a stormy time, and it feels as if there are opposing forces wherever you turn.  Be reassured that there is Divine purpose in this chaos.  Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you so the truest parts of yourself remain.  The events occurring now are essential for your ultimate prosperity.  This chaos is Divinely inspired even though it doesn't appear that way now.  In time you will know this to be true. 

Weekly phone conversation with Sandy.   Preface:  I balanced my checkbook and paid bills today which I do about every two weeks.  What a mess.  It seems the closer I look at the hard things in my life, the worse they become.  The festering wound arising?  I bounced two checks - twice.  Total cost?  $100.  Ask me if that was planned for in my extremely tight budget.  I cleaned up the mess as best I could today, including driving cash over to a friend - a victim of my addiction process.  I was going to take the chicken-shit way out and leave it in her mail box.  But my intention is to sit squarely and openly in this process.  To feel fully and deeply all my emotions regarding whatever is happening.  I mean, that’s the antithesis of addiction right?  My soothing behaviours of scarcity and fear work in tandem to cover my uncomfortable emotions.  If I’m going to do it differently - which is the only way out ...

My morning goal was to not eat any gluten today at the bosses-day lunch.  We had Mexican.  I ate a little rice but no gluten.  Feeling good about that.  Driving home I wanted sugar badly.  It felt like anxiety and addictive type behavior all the way.  Honestly, the only thing that got me to not stop and buy sugar was the thought of having to write about it and to tell Sandy.  Otherwise, I would have stopped.  It was still hard, but I got home without stopping.  If I get home I’m fine.  I won’t go back out for sugar.  Wow, just writing that really stuns me.  It really is addictive behavior.  It makes it real when you write it down and tell another. Or the whole world... Geesh, what was I thinking, writing a blog about this!   Got back and took a nap.  I’ve had a headache for nearly a month.  My pillow had gotten old and flattened.  I finally bought a new pillow last week, but I still have the...

Well, well, well, Three days of yoga in a row.  Some kind of record for me.  And what’s the difference you might add?  Gee, do you think there might be a correlation with me connecting with a sponsor three days ago regarding my addictive behaviors?  Bingo.  So where do I go from here?  My old tapes are whirling.  They are saying things like, “Ok, great job. But that’s enough for now.  You don’t want to over do it.  You know this thing can’t really work.  Slow down and step off this train and stick to what you know and what you can do.  It’s ok to do a little yoga here and there (as I have done for the past few years). Just don’t do enough that it’s truly going to make a difference in your life. Your arms are already feeling and looking different.  Warning! Warning!  Danger Will Robinson!  What the hell do you think you are doing?”  And the negative self talk and anxious feelings spiral out of control from th...

I woke up early this morning before the alarm went off.  Not an uncommon occurrence.  What I usually do with that time is call in my spirit Helpers, Protectors and Healers and either ask for information that would be helpful to my life and/or ask for a healing.  I was observing my energy flows this morning and there it was - my all too common companion - anxiety.  Energetically, I feel it throughout my body, but mostly I tend to feel it in my back and along my spine (chronic back pain for 23 years - go figure) and sometimes in my gut.  Oh, that I were a better writer and could actually describe what I feel.  Something like, scratchy, crackling   energy but more intense, discomfort, low level fear (unless it revs higher), impending doom.  Yeah, something like that. I asked my guides, "What is that?"  Their reply?  "The love of your addiction."

When Sandy agreed to be my sponsor, this is the first thing she sent me.  She said, This is one of my favorite quotes and it really encapsulates what the 12 step program is all about.  It's a proven path to recovery and healing.

Sandy's Response: The serenity prayer came up a whole lot as I was working through the steps and I was given a wonderful way to look at it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ( other people’s choices ) The courage to change the things I can ( my choices ) And the wisdom to know the difference. ( This is cleaning our side of the street and allowing others to do the same, or not .) You do you and keep your intent clean and let the rest go. :) Just a side note. As I read about your day, you help me be more mindful and present and real with my own. This is benefitting me a great deal, so thank you.