Lessons from the dying: A Three Raspberry Day
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As a nurse, I have always felt a deep honor and privilege when working with terminally ill patients and their families. To be brought into their inner circle during such an intimate time is a rare and awe inspiring experience. It is a time when emotionally protective walls are down, outside distractions are dimmed, and vulnerability persists. The human spirit is a humbling thing to watch, especially during times of trial.
These experiences have had a tremendous impact on me. And because I was 21 when I started on my nursing journey, these lessons were learned early on and reinforced over the years. They helped to shape my belief system and consequently compass how I live my life. Here are three profound things I have learned from the dying:
#1. Liberty to be Real
I have asked many hospice workers over the years from medical staff to social workers to caregivers (on every level) - even clergy, “Why do you like working with the dying?” I have been told on many occasions, “Because they cut through the bullshit.” In other words, they are real. It’s as if an unspoken Universal Permission Slip has been granted to them that allows them to, “Say it like it is.” This idea had always seemed liberating to me. In fact, for many years I was secretly envious that they were allowed to be so brutally honest. In those early days, I had no voice; nor had I a concept of what it meant to be real. I couldn’t acknowledge bullshit, let alone cut through it.
Imagine if we had one week left to live. What would we really say? What would we finally do? And who would we actually want to spend our time with? And then it dawned on me. There is no Universal Permission Slip. The liberty of authenticity does not come from external sources. It comes from within. We alone allow or disallow ourselves to be who we truly are, despite societal expectations. We do not need a terminal diagnosis from our primary care physician to allow us to be real.
#2. Beyond Regret
The second lesson I have learned from the dying has become my life motto which is, “Live without regret.” Some may think that that is a trite statement, but I feel it is deeply layered in meaning. Let’s go back to the example of our last week on earth. Better yet, let’s take it to the very last day. Imagine we are on our deathbed. Perhaps family and friends are around us. We are keenly aware that it is time to go. In this exercise, quickly think back over your life and in your mind answer the following question. “What I regret most about my life is____________.” Take the first thing that comes to mind. Remember it. In fact, I would suggest that you write it down. The beauty of this exercise is that we are not on our deathbed. Perhaps we still have the time and the means to do that thing that just came to mind. To do the thing that would allow us to live without regret. Why are we waiting to do it? Let’s not wait until our last day to answer that question.
#3. Live Truer and Deeper
The last lesson I would like to share is to “Live Fully.” Rick Fields said, “I’ll live as well, as deeply, as madly as I can until I die.” Rick had stage four metastatic lung cancer. I did not know him but I read about him and by all accounts he did just that.
I think living fully means to take in all that life has to offer. To treasure every moment. However, there is a difference between a full life and a life of loud grandiose facade. A surface, when scratched, that may reveal less substance than it pretends to have. While in reverse, there are those deceptively unimportant people and events that may be overlooked because they seem too quiet or too small. If we seek fullness and depth, we must then be willing to slow down to see what is beyond the first glance. Beyond the first judgment. True, deeper meaning tends to come in the humbler, quieter moments.
Many years ago, a hospice volunteer related a story to me about one of her patients. She would make routine visits to the home to care for the patient. This would give his wife, who was his full-time caregiver, some much needed time for herself. My friend had become close to the patient and his family. She spoke to me of one of her visits close to the end of his life. He had not eaten much in several days which is a normal process of the body shutting down in the last stages before death. She had just picked some fresh raspberries from her garden that morning. It was unlikely that he would be able to eat, but she knew the family would enjoy them.
As she sat with the patient, he was a bit more alert than usual and he noticed the bowl of raspberries sitting nearby. They were rich in color and smell. He said he thought he might like to try to eat one. He could only take a few seeds, which she put into his mouth with a spoon. He related to her in labored speech and measured words how extraordinary they tasted. The flavor burst in his mouth. He told her that he had not tasted raspberries in a long time. He had thought that he would never be able to taste them again. He was quietly overjoyed.
Finally, when that little bite of berry was gone, he indicated that he wanted one more taste. So again, she helped feed him a few more little sections and watched him savor the precious moment. She spent the rest of her visit feeding him raspberry seeds. By the end, his energy was spent. He had eaten three whole raspberries. Before she left, he said with much effort, “It has been a Three Raspberry Day.”
Sometimes when I find myself rushing through the day I will say, “Stop Susan, just stop!” And remembering this story, I ask myself, “What can I do to make this a Three Raspberry Day?” I take a deep breath, I open my senses, and just be. I thank my dear teachers, now long past, for lessons taught: Be real, live without regret, and live fully.
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Susan Fullmer is a conscious channel, shamanic practitioner, psychic medium, energy healer, energy reader, teacher, mentor, group facilitator, nurse, and licensed massage therapist. She has been in private practice since 1990 with her business, Intuitive Explorations with Susan Fullmer.
She draws from decades of study and practice in the healing arts including 35 years of nursing (both medical and mental health) and massage therapy (with extensive study in energy medicine). Susan has a plethora of experience in group facilitation, public speaking, mentorship, and teaching classes and workshops. In 2019 she graduated from Boise State University with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Multidisciplinary Studies with certificates in Leadership and Human Relations, and Dispute Resolution.
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