What to say?  I haven't been posting because, well, things are going well.  I have been eating clean, losing weight and feeling better.  Why is it that I can write about the bad stuff, but I fall silent when life is good?  That is it's own kind of fucked up.

I'm here at work on a Saturday getting caught up on some projects. Just me. All by myself. Me and this leftover cake from an office birthday party yesterday, which I avoided with grace and determination. And now here we are, the cake and I. I can see it from my cubicle. Did I mention it's my favorite? Chocolate on chocolate. It mocks me.

I feel like I won some kind of sick race yesterday.  I was anxious most of the time.  I think the people at work would be surprised to hear that.  I present a constant calm demeanor.  What I do instead is be an ultra efficient worker.  If you could see my insides, you’d see a tightly twisted knot.  I work as an administrative assistant with tons of projects into which I pour my anxious energy.  It’s a definite win for my employers.  (It’s a campus job which gives me great benefits - including cheap classes - and quick access to classes/library/etc)  With a steady determination, I am working on more relaxation and body movement during the day which helps decrease the stress.  I have slowly gotten better at getting away from my desk and taking small breaks.  Sometimes, I even do some yoga stretches at my desk (seated).  The effort and intention is there - the outcome is meager tending toward slow improvement. I had been ridin...

I have had acne since I was a teenager.  Every year I would think, “This is when I finally outgrow my acne”.  But no, and at age 56, seemingly never.  I now know that this is caused by Leaky Gut Syndrome.  But for most of my life it has been a mystery.  As a nurse, I know that it means that the body isn’t releasing toxins properly and/or there are too many toxins for the body to handle adequately so the body tries to release more of them through the skin.  It’s a survival mechanism really.  I assumed that’s what was going on, but I didn’t have a clue as to why I would have so many toxins, or how to fix it.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I’ve known about my  dairy allergy since I was in my early 20s - though I didn’t understand how badly it was effecting me, just that I would get a stuffy nose and sore throat.  And I’ve know about my gluten allergy for a decade or so.  But again, I didn’t understand how really harmful it...

I went again to the addict’s support group tonight.  My second time there and it was a whole new set of faces.  All very nice and insightful.  I had a fairly calm day but started to feel the anxiety rise in the afternoon.  An anticipated response to going to the group?  I have no idea.  Sometimes I can figure out where my emotions are coming from.  And sometimes I just can’t. During the group, we did a 17 minute meditation.  It was so unpleasant to quiety sit with my anxiety for that long.  It eased a bit by the end, but never completely went away and never got comfortable.  Yet, if truth be told, it felt like the right thing for me to do.  Right place, right people, right reason.  Yet, never comfortable.    Oddly enough, I didn’t speak to anyone.  And I didn’t share during the meeting nor did I talk to anyone afterwards.  These are typically not difficult things for me to do.  And my old co-de...

An email from Sandy You mentioned you felt better today.  How is it going?  I pulled a new card from the deck you gave me a while ago.  I had the Perfection card on my desk for the whole summer.  It was about reaching in and looking at my deepest fears.  I think I've done that for a good amount of time and was ready for something new to think about.   From "The Power Deck: by Lynn V. Andrews Card #30 Action takes courage.  We often feel like fish out of water, separate and different from the world around us.  Fish out of water can learn to swim in a new air of consciousness with a new purpose in life.  Perhaps it is identification with objects and clinging to addictions that keep you feeling separate and keep you from finding the source of your power; not only dependence on drugs, sex, or alcohol but also addictions like fear of failure, the need for approval, or fear of desertion.   Discover your own power and meani...

Bless you Colette Baron-Reid, wherever you are.  My two favorite divination decks come from you.  Your wise words and deep insights have helped me in ways that I cannot express.   ___________________________ Today I drew one of her cards.  I no longer do the usual reading - ask a question and then pull a card.  Spirit already knows what I need to hear.  Why not just bypass my silly mind chatter/judgments/questions and get to the heart of what Spirit wants me to know?  So that’s what I do.  I don’t even pull a card unless I feel there is a message waiting there for me.  After I meditated this morning, I felt that very thing.  I asked Spirit, “What is the question?”  I was told, “Draw a card out of the brown deck that will talk about what is up for you today”.    Wishing Well From The Enchanted Map By Colette Baron-Reid (aka per Spirit - The Brown Deck) Desire is the sacred impulse for life. ...