Fun is a tricky word, use it carefully

     This time last year I was pretty depressed.  OK, scary depressed.  Not to the point of having an exit plan, but more to the point of hovering between functioning and non.  I was talking to a friend about this one day and she asked me, "So what do you do for fun?"  I didn't know.  I'm serious, I had no idea how to answer her.  And after a few days when I still couldn't answer this question, I knew I was in trouble.  Being the good psych nurse that I am, I had a keen understanding that if one is to have a decent mental health status, then one really ought to be able to answer this question.  Still, nothing.  

     I figured this was a key to understanding my current serious depressive state.  Fun is multi layered and could mean many things.  For example, anything from party girl, to meaningful moment with a loved one.  But I believe that at the heart of the kaleidoscope of funful ideas, is the more mature cousin, joy.  After many professional and personal interactions with depressed people, I would say that depression and joy don't seem to coincide much.  So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  The abundance of depression or the absence of joy?  I don't know.  I suspect that it's complicated, involving situational episodes and individual brain chemistry.  

     But more importantly, I felt that my prayers had been answered and I had the trail head step of figuring out what to do next to pull me out of this very dark, and fearful place.  "What could I do that would be fun?"  I took it to meditation.  I sat with it daily for several weeks before I got my first inkling.  At first, it was just a slight flutter of energy, something off stage in the wings.  I couldn't quite see it or hear it, but I knew it was there.  "What could I do that would be fun?"

     Once upon a time, I did fun things.  A recent school project brought this back to mind.  Among other things, we had to present a "Welcome" page to our digital project (ePortfolio on Digitation) which included pictures and descriptions of who we are.  It shocked me to revisit those things that I so recently enjoyed.  We aren't talking ancient history here folks.  More like a couple of years ago at best.  How could I have forgotten?  How had I let those important parts of me go?  Or was it a good thing to let them go?  I'm a firm believer in the Time and Seasons of our lives.  I watch for the natural ebb and flow in life and in relationships.  I no longer fry to force that tide, but rather, go with it.  For reasons I won't explain here, I had been in a Season of Quiet for which I do not regret.  But my depression was telling me it was time to shift and I had missed the boat.

     "What could I do that would be fun?"  Over the next several days the answer finally emerged into a fully formed thought.  "Learning something would be fun."  I had it!  The answer!  My mind went wild.  I could sign up for a local cooking class, or maybe go really crazy and take a community class in something like gardening or Qigong!  Oh, the possibilities were endless.  Little did I know at the time, this line of thinking would soon have me sitting in a Boise State University classroom with a bunch of kids younger than my son.  

     As to which past fun activities I will bring back into my life, I do not know.  Being a student now, time is an issue of course.  But I do know that I will always make sure that something that brings me joy is included in my life.  In the mean time know this, "fun" is a tricky world, use it carefully.  You never know where it will take you.