My Fundamental Transformation Concerning the Inner Self

First day of school

January 2015

Susan Fullmer

ENGL 201

Sktech #4, The College Experience

3/16/2017

My Fundamental Transformation Concerning the Inner Self

     Being 56 years old, and having returned to college after 33 years, I have been most interested in the subject of the older, non-traditional student.  When I first started back two years ago, I even started a blog to try and make sense of this most unusual event in my life.  Though I have seen older students on campus from time to time, I have rarely spoken to any of them.  Is my experience unique, or are we all going through a similar experience?  What I found surprising and discouraging, when initially looking for research on this subject, is that I didn’t find very much information.  The search words, “non-traditional student” brings up subjects such as, husband’s thoughts on supporting wives in school, students with disabilities, the needs of women returning to school, and returning immigrants and delinquents.  How discouraging.  And when I did find an article about the older student returning to school, the example they gave was of a forty-five year old, practically a child!    

     I finally found an article by Nancy Shields called, “The Link Between Student Identity, Attributions and Self-Esteem Among Adult, Returning Students”.  Really?  Self-Esteem?  Is that all we have to worry about?  Oh well, I guess it’s a start.  Personally, self-esteem hasn’t been much of an issue at this point of my life.  I just don’t give a fuck.  I do my thing.  Because at this point, I know what my thing is and it works for me.  But if I’m going to be honest with myself, I will admit that my confidence took a waver when returning to school.  All of a sudden, my footing didn’t seem so sure.  And then there was the Pandora’s Box of examining why I never got a bachelor’s degree in the first place.  Ms. Shields states, “Leaving college was conceptualized as a “failure” in the sense that the student had failed to complete a degree when previously enrolled…after a break of at least three semesters”.  Now try compounding that sense of failure after 33 years.  Maybe in this, I do give a fuck.

     I was perusing my early-day blogs while preparing to write this paper and came across this gem.  I realized that even trying to figure out if they used paper in school anymore, was making me feel unsure of myself.  I wrote, “I was going through some old boxes yesterday and found a ream of lined, notebook paper and my immediate thought was, “score, I can use this for school!”  Second immediate thought, “Do they even use lined notebook paper in school anymore?”  I have no idea.  It’s these little unknowns that make me feel so off balanced right now.”  http://thematurestudent54.blogspot.com/2015/01/dont-you-love-my-profile-picture-truth.html

     My curiosity about how my experience compares to others lead me to O’Shea Stone’s article on mature aged women’s reflections on returning to university studies.  She used such words as “transformation” and “self-discovery”.  She followed 18 “mature-aged students” returning to school.  She found that they had considerable self-doubt and lack of confidence.  There are those words again.  If this endeavor to rejoin higher education causes or exacerbates shaky self-esteem.  Why do we do it?  Why?

     There are many good reasons for going to school.  And there are many difficulties inherent for all students.  Ms. Stones speaks of her research subjects as meeting those challenges and in turn finding a “fundamental transformation concerning the inner self”.  As I read through my blog I can see that a similar fundamental transformation happened to me.  It was slow at first as stated in this blog.

I’m having less moments of sudden panic where my mind is racing and all I can think is, “where am I and what the hell am I doing here?”  And I am definitely less lost.  I no longer leave a building debating whether to pull out my map to see if I should turn left or right to get to my next destination.  Life is so much easier when I know which way to head.  How is that for a life analogy!  http://thematurestudent54.blogspot.com/2015/02/less-moments.html

And the slow climb to self-confidence at school continues.

I was eating lunch in the SUB today and looking out the window at this beautiful campus when all of a sudden this feeling came soaking into me.  In words, the saturation went something like this, “You belong here”.  It is just occurring to me that I am no longer the interloper, the pretender, the fake.  http://thematurestudent54.blogspot.com/2015/09/no-longer-interloper.html 

     I didn’t know if I could make this whole school thing work, but I tried it anyway.  I have learned much, and gained much from the trying.  Ms. Stone said, “These narratives of achievement and transformation ultimately provide inspiration to other women contemplating such a step as well as insight for academic administrators and teaching staff regarding the significant personal change this decision can engender”.  If I could encourage just one older person to return to school, if I could encourage just one professor to see their older student in a unique way, if I could show the younger students we are far more similar that different, then I am glad.  I offer my “fundamental transformation concerning the inner self” up to whomever it may benefit.   

Works Cited

“Diversity in the Graduate Student Population.” Journal of College Student

     Psychotherapy, vol. 14, no. 2, 2000, pp. 57-70., doi:10.1300/j035v14n02_07.

Fullmer, Susan L. “The Mature Student.” The Mature Student,

      thematurestudent54.blogspot.com.

O’Shea, S.Stone C. “Transformations and Self-Discovery: Mature-Age Women’s Reflections on

      Returning to University Study.” Studies in Continuing Education, Routledge. Available from:

      Taylor & Francis, Ltd. 325 Chestnut Street Suite 800, Philadelphia, PA 19106. Web Site:

      Http//Www.tandf.co.uk/Journals, 30 Nov. 2010, eric.ed.gov/?id=EJ949331.

Shields, Nancy. “The Link between Student Identity, Attributions, and Self-Esteem among

      Adult, Returning Students.” Sociological Perspectives, vol. 38, no. 2, 1995, pp. 261-272.