This is something I wrote in 1995.  I will remind you that it was a time before such things as Ellen and The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.  It was a time before internet for the masses.  No body was talking about this, unless you count the sensational talk shows.  And by the way, because I was considered a subject expert at the time, I was a guest on Opera, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Geraldo talk shows in the early 90s.  At the time I founded and facilitated local and national support groups for straight spouses and partners of homosexuals. Dan Reynolds on The Daily Show After watching Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons on the Daily Show, I have been thinking about this issue that used to saturate my life, my every moment.  I found this article that I wrote over 20 years ago.  It pains me that we are still stuck in this.  We are still losing our loved ones to depression and suicide for a situation that we create.  Enough!  I re...

I love Portland rain.  I’m sitting with tea looking out the window of my friend Shana’s house watching it happen.  I’m visiting Portland Oregon where I lived for 17 years before moving to Boise four years ago. It feels like home in so many ways.  And coupled with re-joining dear friends, it’s a delicious experience. Marigold tea Yesterday we went to a tea ceremony with a man named Po.  I’m going to include his website because I want to spread the wealth!  He calls it a tea journey, and so it is. We spent a hour and a half sipping about 5 or 6 teas all with distinct energetic properties from all over the world.  I learned so much, like the tea carries the energy of the land it grows on. We drank teas from sacred places, some that have been undisturbed genetically for thousands of years.  I could feel it. The teas changed our energy and gave us healing in the process. It was so interesting hearing him talk the familiar words of energy h...

I finally discovered why I am sitting in this circle.  I’ve known I was supposed to be here even before the first day.  But I didn’t know why.  To sit with interesting people discussing interesting topics to be sure.  But that’s easy to know.  The deeper reason had to sneak up on me.  I wish I could remember the name of the man who spoke my words.  He was sitting two from my right.  I don’t even remember the context of why he used them, but when he said them they shot through me like an explosion.  I am here to learn to trust men.  I honestly didn’t know I needed to do that, but of course now that I have heard the words I know that they are true and I know why they are true.   This past year I have completed at long last, the task of mucking through my own personal cesspool - a history of abuse, incest, and giving over my power to men in most ways conceivable.  I am finally in a good and calm place.  I feel clean and c...

What to say?  I haven't been posting because, well, things are going well.  I have been eating clean, losing weight and feeling better.  Why is it that I can write about the bad stuff, but I fall silent when life is good?  That is it's own kind of fucked up.

I'm here at work on a Saturday getting caught up on some projects. Just me. All by myself. Me and this leftover cake from an office birthday party yesterday, which I avoided with grace and determination. And now here we are, the cake and I. I can see it from my cubicle. Did I mention it's my favorite? Chocolate on chocolate. It mocks me.

I feel like I won some kind of sick race yesterday.  I was anxious most of the time.  I think the people at work would be surprised to hear that.  I present a constant calm demeanor.  What I do instead is be an ultra efficient worker.  If you could see my insides, you’d see a tightly twisted knot.  I work as an administrative assistant with tons of projects into which I pour my anxious energy.  It’s a definite win for my employers.  (It’s a campus job which gives me great benefits - including cheap classes - and quick access to classes/library/etc)  With a steady determination, I am working on more relaxation and body movement during the day which helps decrease the stress.  I have slowly gotten better at getting away from my desk and taking small breaks.  Sometimes, I even do some yoga stretches at my desk (seated).  The effort and intention is there - the outcome is meager tending toward slow improvement. I had been ridin...

I have had acne since I was a teenager.  Every year I would think, “This is when I finally outgrow my acne”.  But no, and at age 56, seemingly never.  I now know that this is caused by Leaky Gut Syndrome.  But for most of my life it has been a mystery.  As a nurse, I know that it means that the body isn’t releasing toxins properly and/or there are too many toxins for the body to handle adequately so the body tries to release more of them through the skin.  It’s a survival mechanism really.  I assumed that’s what was going on, but I didn’t have a clue as to why I would have so many toxins, or how to fix it.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I’ve known about my  dairy allergy since I was in my early 20s - though I didn’t understand how badly it was effecting me, just that I would get a stuffy nose and sore throat.  And I’ve know about my gluten allergy for a decade or so.  But again, I didn’t understand how really harmful it...