I really look forward to the day when I can get through my math homework without crying. This is a possibility, right? Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, but the tears make it difficult to see decimals, and wouldn't you know it, that's the module I happen to be on right now. My homework is riddled with them.
Oddly enough, if I'm going to be honest about this, the math is pretty easy. I did, after all, take this pre algebra class some 35 plus years ago. Officially, I don't need to take it again, but when I did a math placement test, it shows I don't remember much of it (I could have told them that!). But so far, as I am relearning it, it seems to be coming back to me - dredges from a very distant part of my brain. I keep confusing the online (oh yea, it's ALL on line) math system called ALEKS. I guess I'm breezing through it fast enough so it keeps wanting to reassess me to make sure I'm on the correct module. But when I take the auto generated reassessment tests, sure enough, the "I don't know" button gets worn out. And the dance goes on.
But with all that said, it doesn't stop the anxiety I feel while going through this process. And ironically, the symptoms of anxiety make it challenging to focus and learn. Fortunately, as a psych nurse and healer, I cognitively understand what is going on. Exposing myself to math again is simply triggering my past traumas. These are wounds that have been buried deep for a long, long time. Because I have not gone poking around in this arena, it has pretty much lain dormant. Until now. But mind you, just because our past wounds may lay deep, they are still running havoc with our present lives. It is always best to address them, heal them, and run life from a clearer system. It's one of the reasons I'm blogging. No, blogging is not necessary to heal. But writing is a good processing tool for me personally. I am very clear that healing is one of the main reasons I feel drawn to go back to school at this time in my life. I am finally ready to handle what's coming up as I expose myself to these old traumas. The college degree and the other perks of this journey are all good, but for me, they are not the main reason I am here. I am here to heal, to explore who I am, and know why I am here ("here", as in this incarnation). And the pay raise will be good too. ;)
But knowing all of this does not seem to lessen the feeling of physical pain, and worst, the terror I get when all of this comes bubbling up (hence the tears). I have a two part goal to get me through this.
1. Take one little math step at a time. I have it all broken down to what I need to do each day. I feel like I can't breath when I look at the whole pie (literally a graphic in ALEKS to show what has been accomplished and the modules that still need to be done). Instead I look at the number "4" I write on my paper which represents the sections I need to do each day to finish by the deadline. "Just do one problem at a time... " (mantra).
2. The other thing I do is remember Anxiety Basics. Due to actual physiological changes in the body I can feel any, and usually a combination, of the symptoms from the list below. When I do, I remind myself to breath (slow and deep): Remember what's really going on, breath, just do the problem in front of you, breath, take a break if I need to, breath, talk to a friend, breath, and remember that crying is a good and helpful thing. Then breath some more. And if all that fails, eat dark chocolate.
