My first PowToon!

     I'm very proud of this.  I've got a stiff learning curve in computer anything.  So when we get an assignment for an oral presentation to include media...yikes!  This is the introduction to my oral presentation in MDS 300, and my very first PowToon.

https://www.powtoon.com/online-presentation/b9xFjvetvUx/the-mds-project/ 

My Life, a Journey of Learning

This is my final paper for my Multiple Disciplinary Studies class.  

Susan Fullmer

MDS 300

12/11/2015

Reflections: My Life, a Journey of Learning

     I have worked as a licensed practical nurse for the past 33 years in many areas of health care.  Along the way I grew rather bored with nursing so when my son was old enough, I went back to school and became a licensed massage therapist.  It was a dream come true to own my own business doing energy work, energy readings, and massage.  After 13 years I closed my private practice due to health issues.  I then returned to nursing, but this time to mental health where I worked as a psychiatric nurse case manager and teacher.  After 10 years in mental health, I was again ready for a change, so I worked as an Equal Opportunity Employment Specialist in a hospital.  I had never done this kind of work before, but I really enjoyed it.  This experience set the stage and desire to go back to school and get a degree so that I could have more choices in the non-nursing work world.  

     When I found the Multidisciplinary Studies Program, I felt that it had been designed just for me.  I plan to graduate with certificates in Leadership and Human Relations, and Dispute Resolution.  I first interviewed Dr. S who is my Foundations of Leadership 325 class professor.  This was an easy choice as he is an excellent teacher.  But more importantly, I wanted to get a better understanding of leadership in order to determine if I should indeed, seek a leadership certificate with my degree.  I have always been what you might call a “natural leader”, but does that translate into a good idea for a degree plan?  After this interview, I knew I was on the right track!

     He also recommended I study Conflict Management along with Leadership, which is why I am now incorporating a second certificate in Dispute Resolution.  I have experience in this subject, and I believe it will be a natural compliment to my leadership studies. 

     When I asked Dr. S how his credentials helped him obtain his current job he said, "The simple answer is that you need certain credentials to hold certain positions.  I would imagine that most everyone who has my position in the United States has a Master’s degree, and I would estimate that the vast majority hold a PhD as well.  The more nuanced answer has to do with capacity building.  I believe I’m good at my job because I understand the landscape of higher education, the function of a university and the leadership of people, and how it all fits together.  All of that helped me obtain my current job because I was pretty good at my last one.  And I was good at my last job because I understood how things fit together." 

     My second interview was more of a whim.  I met professor C. last summer when I took her UF 100 class, The History and Future of Education.  I interviewed her because of a class I will be taking from her this coming spring term called, Non Fiction Writing.  I have only discovered this past year from a blog, that I love to write!  But what do I do with this discovery?  Can I make some kind of a career from that?  I didn’t think so, but I knew I would always regret not exploring this question – hence the interview.

     We had a wonderful discussion about writing and writing options.  We concluded that I definitely shouldn’t quit my day job and write the next great American novel.  But on the other hand, there are some fun writing options out there.  I now feel even more solid about pursing leadership AND keeping my new passion of writing. . . on the side.  Ms. C. gave me some ideas for good classes, interesting professors, and folks to talk to in the community.  And because of her recommendation, I am now the new board member of the University Foundations Advisory Board for BSU.  I decided that would be helpful in my leadership training.  Isn’t networking a wonderful thing.

     I'm thrilled to be in the MDS program where I can custom design my own curriculum.  As I am going to school part time, I will graduate in the spring of 2019.  I see no barriers to this goal other than financial, but with careful planning that will not hinder me at all.  At this point, I don't know exactly where I want to be a leader, but I don't seem to be concerned about that.  As Dr. S said when I asked him what type of jobs are available with this discipline, "Every discipline, every profession, every community needs good leaders".  

We MDSers have grit!

     I find it interesting that I haven't really talked much about my Multiple Disciplinary Studies (MDS) class here in my blog.  This is my degree after all.  Looking back over this semester, I think I know why.

     This degree is for people who have been away from college for awhile, for any number of reasons.  It could be raising a family, military service, finical difficulties, medical set backs, or like mine - having a learning disability and being too scared to set foot into a school again.  Ever.  But whatever the reason, it's a wonderful program that lets you use all your old credits and develop your own curriculum.  And although developing my own curriculum felt like the best thing I could have hoped for, the reality is that it was a daunting task.  Or rather, it would have been a nearly impossible task if it weren't for the class I took this past semester called MDS 300.

     This class was all about us figuring out who we are and what we want to be when we grow up.  This is a question that I have often asked myself through the years, but I have never really come up with a satisfactory answer.  To tell the truth, that's another reason I never went back to school...and study what exactly?  Through a number of assignments, trips to the career center, testing of our personalities and aptitudes, and many other helpful activities...I came to know myself much better.  And I even have a clue as to what I want to be when I grow up.  A leader.  Don't ask me where or doing what, because I just don't know that yet.  But at least I have a direction to head, and that feels better than I can even explain.  Not having a direction pretty much leaves you dead in the water.  I know.

     And while all that stuff I just said sounds pretty cool.  The reality was, it didn't feel so cool.  Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of it.  I would even go so far as to say that it's the thing I needed and wanted the most.  Trust me, I had tried to figure out some kind of direction on my own for some time, and I just couldn't seem to get it right.  Remember that "dead in the water" line?  This semester's process in this class, has been gut wrenching.  All the while, as I was shifting back and forth - letting go of the old stuff that no longer applied (or never applied) and finding my inner passions for life - I was a mess.  The last thing I felt was clarity, and I just wasn't ready to write about the mess.  Hence, not too many blog posts about MDS 300.  But if I haven't said it clearly enough here yet, let me say it now - this class was incredibly valuable and an absolute necessity to go any further in school.  I now have my curriculum, which I designed myself, thank you very much!  It's my road map to graduation and I feel really solid about it.  What a relief.

     I have two more things I want to say about this class.  First, my professor is the best.  She really helped me through it all.  And here's the really good news - she is also my advisor!  I get to keep my cheerleader for the duration.  What a relief.

     OK, here's the other thing.  Think about it.  Who are these people that sign up for this kind of degree?  These are people with a past.  A story.  And oh what stories!  Our final project was to write about our stories, and then to present our stories to the class:  Where we have been, why we are back in school, and what we want to do after graduation.  I cried more than once.  My classmates are the most amazing people you could imagine.  I feel so honored to have known them.

     One day, our professor showed us a TED Talk by Angela Lee Duckworth on Grit.  Professor K told us that whenever she though about the students in MDS, she thought about Grit.  I agree!

Dr. Duckworth's TED Talk on Grit

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H14bBuluwB8 

Late Entry Post

     In nursing, one spends a great deal of time charting - documenting everything you have done.  As the saying goes, "If it's not charted, it's not done".  I understand the importance of good charting.  Clear communication is imperative in health care.  For example, how and when do you know to give a medication if it hasn't been clearly charted.  The down side of all of this writing, is that it takes time away from our patients.  I doubt there are many nurses that sought out the profession to spend time on a computer.  And if they do love the paper work more, I think they are probably the "research" type nurse, or "insurance" type nurse.  But I am the "people" type nurse, and would much rather be with my patients than a document.  So I find a balance as best I can.

     It should never happen, but once in a while we may forget to chart something.  That information must be charted when the omission is discovered, and the chart note is proceeded with the words"Late Entry".  I'm going to borrow those words for some blog posts coming up.  It's not so much that I forgot to write them, I just didn't have time.  All those pesky homework assignments getting in the way of my blog time.  The nerve!  So, even though fall semester is over and in the can (movie, not garbage), I'm going to keep writing about it.  Just think the words, "Late Entry" before reading them...and it will all make sense.

Pinch a Planet

     I saw, "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" today in 3D at IMAX.  Beyond cool.  I felt like I could reach out and pinch a planet on Luke's map, or caress the mask of Kylo Ren.  Though why anyone would want to do the later is beyond me.  Creepy. 

     I know why humanity clicks with movies like Star Wars and Harry Potter.  It's because we are magic.  The force is around us and within us.  And we don't have to be a Jedi to utilize it to our advantage.  When I teach others how to use energy to create and to heal, I feel like my main task is to validate.  Yes, you do feel what you feel.  Yes, you do know what you know.  And, yes, you do have the passions and powers that are simply who you are.  Most of us don't grow up in communities that support this, let alone teach it.  We as a human race are hungry to understand these natural gifts and abilities.  We will continue to go see the story until we learn that we are the story.

Tired

     My two favorite patients aren't doing well.  I had to send one of them to the hospital last night and the other may not still be alive when I get back to work tonight.  I never thought there would come a day when I would feel this way, but I'm tired of death.  Maybe this is just one more confirmation that it's time for me to leave nursing.

No Real Say

   I've been contemplating how truly unusual it is that I am blogging.  It's a platform where I speak my truth.  Remember that I am a female born in 1960.  Although the women's movement was happening in the world, it wasn't happening in my world.  I was a child of abuse who grew up in a conservative, strictly patriarchal society where I was constantly told that except to serve others, I was not to be seen and certainly not to be heard.  If I spoke in a public platform, it was to give reference to the holy words of others.  I was taught to pray and receive inspiration, but if "my inspiration" landed outside a strict guideline, I was at best, "wrong" and at worse, "of the devil".  As far as my own true thoughts, feelings, and holy words, I had no real say.  I quickly learned that speaking my truth was unacceptable, and punishable, so I stuffed it down where it was forgotten for a long, long time.

     It's astounding that after that, I could find any words at all that would resemble my own soul. Finding my voice came at a heavy price.  Turns out, you don't make many friends when speaking your truth in an arena that is invested in your silence.

     The 5th chakra is located at the base of the throat.  It's essence is about speaking our truth to ourselves and to others.  The color of this chakra is the sky blue I can see right now out my window on this crisp winter morning.  As I tune into my 5th I can feel that, in spite much work over the years, it still has congestion.  Poor chakra.  What a beating it has taken.  So, I breath into my throat the blue that I can see and feel.  My intention with my breath is to "open", let it be what it truely is.

Where does a "B" float?

   

     Glass half empty?  Glass half full?  I got a B in math.  I was really hoping for an A.  Pie in the sky perhaps, given that I have dyslexia and math has been the bane of my existence in this current incarnation.  Oh, but I feel sad.  Partly because I had a perfect 4.0 GPA since starting school here at BSU.  I don't think I have the vocabulary to express what a freakin miracle that is.  Yes, I worked my ass off.  And yes, I have lived a life time of learning how to learn in my own - it only makes sense to Susan, but it works - sort of way.  But still, 4.0.

     But in actuality, it's a relief.  With each semester, as the shock of all A's would gradually wear off, the stress would set in.  The pressure to maintain that 4.0 was getting out of control.  I was almost dreading it happening again because I didn't know how much more pressure I could take.  It felt like I couldn't make a mistake.  Not even one.  Yikes, that's a harsh way to live.  So in a way, I'm glad.  But I'm also sad.

     But hey, let's get real.  At the end of the day, for me to get a B in math is over the top exciting.  I actually got a B in math!  Me!  I'll float my B in the glass half full.

   

Are you real?

     I now have a whole German assemblage.  Or at least the "Stats" page for my blog, that I was telling you about, says I do (see blog post, "My Twenty Russian Besties" November 2015).  But how do I know if that's real?  Maybe it's just Blog Spot fucking with my brain.  It's some kind of consumeristic plot to sucker us bloggers to keep coming black.  I mean, no one has ever commented on my blog except my dear sister, who unlike Blog Spot, does not fuck with my brain and gives me real and warm support that I can actually take to the bank.  Confirmed reality is a reassuring thing.

     So who are you people?  If in fact, you are actual alive and breathing humanity, then prove it.  Dare to comment.  I'm not asking for a long term committed relationship here.  Just a token offering to prove you are real.  That, or I want Blog Spot to make a full and truthful confession right here and now.

Snow Walk

     I'd forgotten how much I love the seasons.  I moved here a couple of years ago from my beloved Portland Oregon where we enjoy various shades of rain.  I had been there a couple of decades, so I sort of forgot the whole snow experience of winter.  Not to mention the intolerable heat of summer - ah, but that's an examination for another day...about 6 months from now.  

     It's Christmas Eve and we just had a tremendously beautiful snow.  I'm more of a Solstice girl these days, but with a deep vain of nostalgia for my Christian upbringing.  And I am nothing, if not inclusive.  So it was a joy to trudge out in the fresh white and feel the moment of anticipation of an event held holy.  

And here I am returning to myself, headed home.

Reflections Mixup

     I've noticed that "Reflections" seems to be a popular assignment word with professors.  In most of my classes I have papers that are due called "Reflections" something or other.  I'm good with that.  I'm a reflective type person and enjoy writing about my take on any given subject.  This blog is proof of that.  I just find it a little silly that everything I work on is called a "Reflections Paper".  No biggie.  That is, until I post the wrong reflections paper to the wrong class.  That's when the silliness abruptly comes to a stop.

Couch Quest

   
     I have nowhere comfortable to sit in my house.  Consequently, I have nowhere comfortable for guests to sit and visit with me.  I figure the day I actually own a couch will be the day I finally feel ready to let people in.  

We are official!

A good day


See Blog Post - Introducing, Boise States University's newest organization!
November 2015

Madeleine Albright's 4:03 AM visit

     I recently saw the Gilmore Girls' episode when Rory dreams that her mother is Madeleine Albright.  In the scene, Madeleine Albright plays herself!  I'm still giggling every time I think about it.  Rory and her mother Lorelei have this freakishly close, girlfriend-like relationship.  I try not to think the word enmeshment, and just enjoy it because for the story line, it works.  Plus Rory gets her chance to individuate in the end, so what's not to love.

     Ah, but I digress.  Back to Madeleine.  Every year at the time of Rory's birth (4:03 AM), Lorelei wakes up Rory by coming into her room, laying in bed with her and telling her the story of her delivery in histerical and blatant terms.  "It was like doing the splits over a pile of dynamite...I was swearing like a sailor - on leave."  But this time, it's Madeleine Albright who is running the lines.  Priceless.  

     Have I mentioned my recent obsession with Gilmore Girls?  I heard on NPR a couple of months ago that Netflicts may be bringing it back.  I think the original show is about 15 years old and at the time I probably only saw the first session or two  There are seven, so I'm enjoying what is for me, a fresh new story.  The writer Amy Sherman-Palladino said that if they do the show again, it would be done right (good writing, good story line, etc).  I decided that if they are going to do it again, I wanted to see the old stuff first.  I had forgotten how witty and fun this dramedy is.  It's the absolute perfect balance of brainless entertainment, and intelligent, rapid-fire dialogue that one must pay close attention to, or you miss it.  It's jam packed with obscure pop culture references and smart, quick banter.  Hold on to your hat cuz it's a zany ride.  And it came into my life at a much needed time.  

     I had a mini melt down a while back (see my blog post in October - "Semi Silent Sob in a Stall")  Long story short, I realized that I couldn't keep up this pace.  I jumped into school a year ago with my usual "get it done" determination which has gotten me far in life.  Oh, the long list of accomplishments I could show you.  But the truth is, I have come to believe that the price is too high.  I have paid dearly for my "go to" attitude over the years with illnesses and burnout of several professions.  The older I get, the more I ask, "why?".  Actually, I know why.  I've had a life time of pushing speed on the hamster wheel.  The faster I go, the less I have to feel.  The upside of this story is that I'm learning and healing.  Good therapy over the years, good healers, good support, all have made a positive difference in my life.  I can now spot my old patterns faster, and I'm clearer that I am working to heal and release those patterns.  

     Recently, as I mapped out my curriculum until graduation, I realized I would be in school another two and a half years.  My original plan was to bulldoze through it.  I can do anything!  There is nothing that can stop me!  And although that may be true, my wake up call in the bathroom stall told me, that's not what I want my life to look like.  Other than school and work this year, I haven't done a whole lot.  Social and personal time has been pretty much non existent.  I can't even tell you the last time I went to a movie.  No money.  No time.  And as I saw this same path stretching out before me for the next two and a half years, I felt a serge of depression.  

     I might consider pushing ahead at this breakneck speed, but I know that's not why I'm here.  That's not what this is all about.  I'm interested in soul work.  My soul work.  And that demands balance.  So I am backing down from 9 credits to 6 for next semester.  This will of course push back graduation.  But in all my frenzy this year, I had forgotten why I started this whole thing in the first place.  I want to learn something new because that would be fun.  Sure the deploma will be great, and more money is always nice.  But none of that is worth putting off joy.  Maybe it's because I'm older now but I think to myself, "Susan, how much longer are you going to wait?... How much longer will you put off peace?... Why not have it now?... Why not be in balance now?"  

     So I flipped on Netflix for practically the first time in a year, and there they were.  The Gilmore Girls.  Don't get me wrong, TV is the last place I want to spend much of my precious time.  But after a long, hard day, there is something sweet about laughing and crying over good entertainment   It's OK for me to go there.  I allow myself to let go and have some fun.  Of course, when I slow my hamster wheel down, the emotions will come.  That's what happens when we pull back from our addictive behaviors.  But I'm ready.  I know what some of those issues are and they scare me.  But I'm ready.  

Blog Post #7 - I've got the secret decoder ring!

2 points extra credit post for Leadership 325

Blog Post #7

Good stuff I learned in class on 11/5/15

   

     In Leadership we saw videos on the Penn State scandal and talked about it's culture.  A culture that is spinning out of control takes a long time to get there.  And consequently, it takes a long time to correct itself again.  If it's too far gone, then it takes a big jolt and/or outside forces to cause corrections.  

     As an organizational leader you constantly have to guard against any sort of variation from the core mission and purpose and beliefs of your organization.  When you compromise once, it's hard.  But the tenth time it's easy.  Sometimes organizations just get in a habit of compromising.  Enough compromises over time gets you to a bad place.  

     A closed environment also harbors abuse.  If a culture is built or talks about how to keep people out of it, then it's probably a toxic culture or trending toxic.  If it's about how to keep ideas out, how to keep people out, how to protect the thing itself, it's probably a toxic culture.  

     It's hard to catch these trends towards toxicity.  But it's helpful to know the language, what these things are, and how they work.  There is no right way to catch it.  It depends on the organization.  But the first part is being able to see it.  Dr. S. calls it a secret decoder ring. Once you understand these things, you will be able to see them and decipher what is really going on.  It strips you of innocence, but it's better to know what's really happening.  

     Amen!

Blog Post #6 - What divides people?

2 points extra credit post for Leadership 325

Blog Post #6

Good stuff I learned in class on 11/10/15


     I was going through some of my old class notes and ran across this gem.  We have been learning about organizational leadership.  All organizations exist for a reason, whether this be for profit, altruistic, educational etc puposes.  There is a reason we get together.  Because of that, organizations are inherently political.  In other words, one set of values, beliefs, and purposes are competing or negotiating against another set of values, beliefs, and purposes.  There can only ever be one outcome.  To be a good organizational leader, we have to understand these things.  

     So why do we want to know what divides people?  Why do we need to know all the conflicts, and which is the dominate conflict?  Sometimes people don't tell you what the conflict is about.  Sometimes we have to figure that out.  If we can figure out the common denominators between these apposed people, then we can generally figure out what binds the different groups together.  That gives us a chance to resolve the conflict.  It's also important to remember that there isn't usually only one conflict.  And rarely do the various conflicts divide everyone on either one side or the other.  For example, folks can find themselves on the same side as someone else on one issue, but may be in different camps on another issue.  

     As I learn these things in my leadership class, I get very excited to be a leader some day in the real world.  Also, I have had the light bulb turn on so many times in this class as I remember situations I have been in, but didn't really understand what was going on at the time.  I now look back and think, "Oh, that's what was happening".  I feel a leader really needs to have a deeper understanding of the situation in order to be of help.  It's like professor S said, "Your job as a leader is to move an organization forward, make things happen, to empower people... It's important to figure out what are we fighting about, where are our values different, where can we be aligned, and what are the priorities that exist."  I say, bring it!

I am a lousy, yet repentant BSU student

 

     I went to the Annual Family Holiday Concert at BSU last night.  I can't remember if I mentioned it here, but last spring semester I sang in the University Singers choir.  I hadn't sung in a choir for - millennia?  It was an amazing experience, but that story is for another blog post.

     I had heard that "my" choir would be singing in the holiday concert and I wanted to go.  There would also be the jazz band and orchestra.  I used to play the violin way back in the past century along with a variety of other instruments.  I love that shit!  It feels like home to me.  It's all I can do to stay seated in my chair and not jump up on stage and yell, "give me something to play and move over!".  (Not that I currently have the talent or ability to be able to do that - ah, but in my fantasy world I am rockin' it)  It did take super human strength however, not to sing along with Handel's Messiah.  That, I could currently do and I would have dearly loved it.  Those people sitting around me owe me a huge debt of gratitude for I was a good girl and stayed quiet.

     But now for confession time.  Just before the intermission, the marching band came out lining the stage and all long the walls.  And this is no ordinary auditorium.  The Morrison Center is a premier performance hall that houses such things as the the Philharmonic, Opera and all kinds of touring groups - my favorite being the broadway shows.  I don't know how many people were there last night, but it seats 2,000 and it looked pretty full to me.  Well, as the band came out playing a rousing tune, the whole audience jumped to their feet and started to sing.  I thought, "Hmmm, this must be my fight song".  How do I not know this?  How is it possible that I am a college student and I don't even know my own fight song?  OK, I'm relatively new to Boise and I sort of snuck in the back door at the last minute as a student...but that was a year ago.  Shame on me.

     And since I'm on a roll - confession #2.  I haven't been to a football game.  This could account for confession #1.  It's on my bucket list to do before I graduate, honest.  I like football well enough, though I'm not a huge fan.  I just don't know anyone who goes to the games and I don't want to go alone.  But I have seen the blue football field.  Strange, but cool.

     So hear me now.  I am turning over a new leaf.  Football attendance has just moved up the priority list.  Though I may need to change that to basketball as I suspect the season is over now.  No matter, it will happen.  And I will learn the fight song now!  No, that's a lie.  I will learn the fight song just as soon as finals are over!

Susan's Crib Notes  

(I'm writing this on my arm right now)

Fight Broncos, celebrate the orange and blue

Boise, we'll stand and cheer for you

Fight for distinction & our alma mater

Bravely defending B-S-U!

Fight on Courageously for Boise State

Success and honor make her great

Boise's proud tradition-

Head's up competition-

Glory for B - S - U

Go! Orange!

Go! big! blue!

Fight! Fight! B-S-U! 

Deep Shit

     What is wrong with me?  I cannot get it together.  Ever since I slowed way down over Thanksgiving break, I can't seem to speed it back up again.  I actually have a shot of getting all As this semester, but not if I don't get this last week right.  I have big stuff due...and I can't seem to make myself do it.  I am in deep shit.  I'm sure there is some psychological reason for all of this, but at the moment I have not an ounce of clarity as to what that might be.  In the mean time, get your shit together Susan!

Deepak Said, Oprah Said: Forgiveness Sets Me Free

     There are a handful of things I have done in my life where I can look back and see clearly, that it distictly changed the trajectory of my life for the better.  Having an alter in my home to create a designated sacred space is one of those things.  Meditating daily with Oprah Winfrey and Deepak Chopra is another.  Today's meditation was on forgiveness and almost every sentence blew me away.  I had to write about it.


Oprah

• Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different, letting go of the past that I thought I wanted.  These words can absolutely set me free in my life and in my relationships if I allow them to.
• Letting go is a choice.  
• I limit myself to being open to other people when I hold on to pain and hold on to resentment.
• That hurt feeling that I have been feeling for so long, it is nothing more than my ego's response to a person or situation.  The truth is, I am choosing to let that feeling hold power over me.
• To find forgiveness is to find freedom.  The moment I gain that, I liberate my own well being as well as make room inside for more compassion for everybody else around me.

Deepak

• Dr. Martin Luther King Junior wrote, "Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude".  This level of consciousness, when integrated into daily life, begins to transform our relationships along with our health and well being.  
• Forgiveness begins with the recognition that actions perceived as hurtful or wrong are the  perception of the ego, not the Higher Self. 
• The ego moves us to seek justice or revenge, to right a perceived wrong.  
• The Higher Self, however, knows that the universe will rebalance all actions at the appropriate time in the appropriate way in accord with the whole cosmos, not just the view of one person's hurt feelings.
• When I forgive, I am allowing that process to unfold instead of holding on to my ego's point of view.
• Forgiveness is a courageous act of trust and compassion.  One that comes with a bountiful reward of healing, love, light and liberation for our bodies, minds, and spirits.
• When I find that I am holding on to pain or resentment connected to a person or situation I am in essence, holding on to memories from the past.
• On this journey we are now choosing to live love in every moment.  Love exists, not in the past but in the present moment.
• The beauty of this choice is that as I forgive another, I am actually choosing freedom for my own soul.    
• Through forgiveness, I free myself from attachments from the past and I clear encumbrances that constrict my heart, helping to expand my ability to love and be loved.  
• As I embarrass the practice of forgiveness I recognize that this natural process brings me closer to my essential nature and this part of my spiritual evolution.  
• Each time I let go of emotions connected to the past, I invite increased peace and wellbeing into my life.
• People, situations and circumstances begin to fall into place.  Love and joy come to me and flow from me effortlessly.  Life becomes a rice, entreasured adventure.  

Thanks guys!

https://chopracentermeditation.com/experience 

Library Sunrise

Watching the sunrise from my favorite perch on the 4th floor.  Mmmmm   

And now that all the leaves are gone I have a clear view of the river.

For study mode, it doesn't get any better than this.

First Viewing

A nice moment today as I was walking across campus
 to my (very) early morning math class.

My Twenty Russian Besties

     Something strange is happening.  You see, I have three ardent blog fans.  (Shout out to my niece and two sisters!  I love you guys!!)  They are the only ones who read this blog, which is just fine with me because I didn't start this crazy thing for anyone but myself.  As I have mentioned before, writing helps me process my thoughts, and make sense of my experiences.  Well, the strangest thing happened the other day, someone on campus told me they liked my blog.  Whaaat?  What blog?  My blog?  How is that possible?  I chalked it up to a fluke, but then it happened again.  

     After being freaked out for about a week, I decided to see if I could tell who was looking at my blog.  Don't laugh, I had never blogged before and didn't really know how this whole thing worked.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself just for figuring out how to post to the blog.  I hadn't looked beyond that.  Well, turns out, there is this whole section called "Stats".  Holy Shit!  Somebody is looking at this blog!  Now, I figure a lot of these numbers are folks clicking through the "next blog" button in the middle of the night during an insomniac session while on the computer.  But hey, somebody saw it.  I even have 20 hits from people in Russia!  How cool is that?  I love living in this time of global community possibilities.  I want to know my new Malaysian friends and who knows, maybe next year I'll go visit my bud in Kenya.  I can't wait!

Page from my Blog Stats

Pageviews by Countries  Entry Pageviews United States 363 Russia 20 Malaysia 3 Kenya 1

Fun Two

     For inspiration on me remembering me, here's my Digication "Welcome" page.  For those of you who are lost because you are reading this blog backwards - see blog post, "Fun is a tricky word, use it carefully".  

     My name is Susan and I am a student at Boise State University.  I am working towards my Bachelor of Arts degree in Multidisciplinary Studies with certificates in Leadership and Human Relations, and Dispute Resolution.  

     I have had a wonderful, full life, but I'm ready for a change.  I am excited to be back in school, and I look forward to using my life skills, in combination with my newly acquired educational skills for a successful career in leadership.  

     In my spare time I like to ride my bike, a 696 Ducati Monster.  Lavender no less.  I moved here from Portland where I was involved in a motorcycle club.  I look forward to joining a new club here, but that may need to wait until after graduation.

      In Portland I was a member of the "Castaways", a Dragon Boat team.  What a lot of fun (and hard work) that was!  I have wished many times that the Boise river was deeper so I could start a team here.

     One tradition that I am continuing here in Boise is dancing Thriller with the Thrill the World organization.  We synch up with folks from around the world, to break the record every year for the most people dancing Thriller at the same time.  Crazy fun!  And don't forget the costumes and makeup.  Inevitably, my group of friends would get invited to preform at Halloween parties, and to join in with Flash Mobs around town.  Thrill the World happens every October, so if you want to dance Thriller next year, just let me know!  

 Theme - Prom Party Gone Horribly Wrong (I'm second from the right)

 Theme - Haunted Hippies (I'm second from the left)

Dancing on the lawn of a Halloween party.  The guests didn't know we were coming.

(I'm front left)

Fun is a tricky word, use it carefully

     This time last year I was pretty depressed.  OK, scary depressed.  Not to the point of having an exit plan, but more to the point of hovering between functioning and non.  I was talking to a friend about this one day and she asked me, "So what do you do for fun?"  I didn't know.  I'm serious, I had no idea how to answer her.  And after a few days when I still couldn't answer this question, I knew I was in trouble.  Being the good psych nurse that I am, I had a keen understanding that if one is to have a decent mental health status, then one really ought to be able to answer this question.  Still, nothing.  

     I figured this was a key to understanding my current serious depressive state.  Fun is multi layered and could mean many things.  For example, anything from party girl, to meaningful moment with a loved one.  But I believe that at the heart of the kaleidoscope of funful ideas, is the more mature cousin, joy.  After many professional and personal interactions with depressed people, I would say that depression and joy don't seem to coincide much.  So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?  The abundance of depression or the absence of joy?  I don't know.  I suspect that it's complicated, involving situational episodes and individual brain chemistry.  

     But more importantly, I felt that my prayers had been answered and I had the trail head step of figuring out what to do next to pull me out of this very dark, and fearful place.  "What could I do that would be fun?"  I took it to meditation.  I sat with it daily for several weeks before I got my first inkling.  At first, it was just a slight flutter of energy, something off stage in the wings.  I couldn't quite see it or hear it, but I knew it was there.  "What could I do that would be fun?"

     Once upon a time, I did fun things.  A recent school project brought this back to mind.  Among other things, we had to present a "Welcome" page to our digital project (ePortfolio on Digitation) which included pictures and descriptions of who we are.  It shocked me to revisit those things that I so recently enjoyed.  We aren't talking ancient history here folks.  More like a couple of years ago at best.  How could I have forgotten?  How had I let those important parts of me go?  Or was it a good thing to let them go?  I'm a firm believer in the Time and Seasons of our lives.  I watch for the natural ebb and flow in life and in relationships.  I no longer fry to force that tide, but rather, go with it.  For reasons I won't explain here, I had been in a Season of Quiet for which I do not regret.  But my depression was telling me it was time to shift and I had missed the boat.

     "What could I do that would be fun?"  Over the next several days the answer finally emerged into a fully formed thought.  "Learning something would be fun."  I had it!  The answer!  My mind went wild.  I could sign up for a local cooking class, or maybe go really crazy and take a community class in something like gardening or Qigong!  Oh, the possibilities were endless.  Little did I know at the time, this line of thinking would soon have me sitting in a Boise State University classroom with a bunch of kids younger than my son.  

     As to which past fun activities I will bring back into my life, I do not know.  Being a student now, time is an issue of course.  But I do know that I will always make sure that something that brings me joy is included in my life.  In the mean time know this, "fun" is a tricky world, use it carefully.  You never know where it will take you.

If you're gonna go big, go Burnside

     As a psychiatric nurse case manager, I would have to go to court from time to time, if one of my clients ended up in the judicial system.  Which unfortunately, is not uncommon for folks with major mental health issues.  I'm not going to touch that particular subject just now - it's an issue that's critically important to me and to society, but way too complicated for this little post.

     Rather, I was thinking of a particular experience I had with one of my clients.  She had been arrested for walking down Burnside naked.  Now, if any of you have been to Portland, you know that Burnside is a hoppin' place pretty much 24/7.  I'm sure she had quite a bit of exposure before the police showed up.  

     She and I had a fairly good relationship as I had been meeting with her at least twice weekly for nearly a year.  I hadn't really grilled her about the incident because I knew she had been very psychotic at the time, so there really wasn't a "right and wrong" discussion to be had.  More of a, "let me help you remember the importance of taking your medications" conversation, which we had all the time.  As we were sitting on the bench in the hall waiting to be called into court, I asked her, "Why did you do it?"  She was very clear that day and said, "I know now that it wasn't a good idea, but at the time it felt like it would be very freeing".  And I thought, "She's right.  She's absolutely right".  Our crazy society and it's uptight rules.  Being the good mental health nurse that I am, I didn't say it out loud, but in my head I was thinking, "You go girl!"

Tiara Count

   

     Anyone who knows me well, knows that I want a tiara.  Maybe it's because I'm a sucker for sparkly things.  Or maybe it's because everyone secretly wishes they had one, but I'm the only person brave enough to admit it.  (I lean towards the later)

     I had a mental health client once who wore tiaras.  As a psychiatric nurse case manager, you really ought not to covet your patient's possessions.  But I did.  More importantly, I coveted her ability to wear them.  I may be brave enough to say that I want one, but my hutzpah stops there.  I rarely saw Stephanie without one of her mini crowns.  She would always come to the office fully decked out in hair, clothes and make up.  She was a sweetheart and I adored her.  

     I soon realized that I could gage, with a fair amount of accuracy, her level of psychosis by the number of tiaras she wore.  One was baseline, and nothing to be concerned about.  But when she showed up wearing two tiaras at the same time, I knew to be more attentive and to follow up with an extra home visit the next day.  Three tiaras?  Well, by the time she got to three tiaras she was so psychotic that she was barely functional enough to get to the office.  I think I only saw it twice.  

     Stephanie, where ever you are, just know that you are my tiara hero!