Response to the Chaos Card

Sandy’s response to the Chaos and Conflict Card post:

Wow! What a card. If you'd liked to tell me, what are the things feeling most chaotic right now? You mentioned your finances and how it makes you feel unrest. I love the line, "Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you, so the truest parts of yourself remain." Are you finding that you're holding tightly onto things that are meant to go?
______________________________ Susan's Response:

Man Sandy, I woke up early this morning with Spirit whispering in my ear to go and write - to respond to these questions. It's now 10:15 am and I have been on the computer this whole time... doing everything but responding to your questions. Talk about avoidance. I can tell this is big and up for me right now because I'm doing everything in my power to avoid it. I have no idea why or what's "up" exactly. But I know if I just start writing it will come out. Writing has always been a good way for me to process my world. So here goes.


What are the things feeling most chaotic right now?

I wasn't anxious this morning until I started writing this sentence. It's so interesting how the anxiety seems to be tied to my - Ego, I'll call it. The part of me that is invested in No Change. As long as I stay in my small life, doing my small things, and not paying attention to what wants to be seen and heard from my true inner self - a semblance of surface calm will prevail. But as soon as I even glance at what wants to be healed and dealt with on a deeper level, all hell breaks loose. Bring in my addictive behaviors now so I don't have to feel all of that! Even writing this paragraph feels like an avoidance to me answering the question.

What feels most chaotic in the moment is this crazy, off balance, fearful feeling I'm having while trying to answer this question. I didn't feel this all morning as I was avoiding doing this exercise, but now those emotions are swirling around me and through me. I feel confused and distracted. It's an effort to focus on this exercise.

One of the areas in where I feel unrest, is in my finances, for sure. I live in an odd paradox of belief that I must live at a zero balance. On the other hand, I also feel that my needs will always be met. What does that look like in my life? For example, I mentioned in another blog that I had to pay $100 in bounced check fees last week. Because I run on a very tight budget, that money had to come out of my food budget. I had no idea how I was going to buy food. But I also had a calm feeling that I would be ok. I always am. And sure enough, for some unknown reason, my roommate paid his rent early. It was sitting on my desk the next day. I hadn't said anything to him, it was just there. My first thought was, "I guess I'll get to eat for the next two weeks after all".

So, yea, I've got that lesson under my belt. In recent times, I have understood and know that I am always taken care of. This applies to all aspects of my life. It's so tempting to just stop there in my healing progression. And maybe I would, except that I can feel the Benevolent Force of the Universe (or whatever you want to call it) doesn't want me to stop there. My comfort level is erupting in chaos. At least I have the foresight to know that it is a gift and not a punishment. But it doesn't feel any less shitty knowing that. But it does give me the knowledge that I can do something about it. So that's what is chaos in my life right now.

I agree with you Sandy, this line jumped out at me when I read it, "Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you, so the truest parts of yourself remain." And I guess your question is key, "Are you finding that you're holding tightly on to things that are meant to go? What am I holding on to?

I'll just start typing and see what comes out...

• My weight
• My aversion to being seen
• My need to be small
• My need to feel unimportant
• My need to not connect with anyone too deeply
• My need to feel ill and thus incapacitated.

Not a pretty list, but there you go. There is a horrible, itchy, anxious feeling I get when I look at and feel that list. That is what my addictive behaviors are keeping in place. I don't even know what to say to that. I feel hopeless. The task of overcoming all of that is too great.

Chaos and Conflict

This is what my life feels like right now.  This card I drew this morning after meditation gives me comfort.

The Chaos and Conflict card

By Colette Baron-Reid

From the Wisdom of the Oracle deck

Prosperity Message:

Circumstances appear to be chaotic, but everything that is happening now is in truth shaking things up so you can find the real path to your prosperity.  Yes, it's a stormy time, and it feels as if there are opposing forces wherever you turn.  Be reassured that there is Divine purpose in this chaos.  Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you so the truest parts of yourself remain.  The events occurring now are essential for your ultimate prosperity.  This chaos is Divinely inspired even though it doesn't appear that way now.  In time you will know this to be true. 

Seething

Weekly phone conversation with Sandy.  

Preface:  I balanced my checkbook and paid bills today which I do about every two weeks.  What a mess.  It seems the closer I look at the hard things in my life, the worse they become.  The festering wound arising?  I bounced two checks - twice.  Total cost?  $100.  Ask me if that was planned for in my extremely tight budget.  I cleaned up the mess as best I could today, including driving cash over to a friend - a victim of my addiction process.  I was going to take the chicken-shit way out and leave it in her mail box.  But my intention is to sit squarely and openly in this process.  To feel fully and deeply all my emotions regarding whatever is happening.  I mean, that’s the antithesis of addiction right?  My soothing behaviours of scarcity and fear work in tandem to cover my uncomfortable emotions.  If I’m going to do it differently - which is the only way out - I have to feel.  So yes, it was a day bathed in fear and loathing.  It was palpable and I wanted to stop it any way I could at just about every moment of the day.  Gratefully, I had my weekly sponsor phone call scheduled tonight.  On the flip side of that gratitude - the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it.  Thank God, Sandy is a kind and gentle soul who is also intuitive and sees it as it is so she can give me clear and accurate insight.   

I have already established that I stay at zero in all aspects of my life (not wanting to be seen or heard) because of my upbringing of sexual abuse (see past posts for that saga).  Also, the girls in our family were raised to take care of everyone else but ourselves.  That’s the other nice thing about having Sandy as my sponsor.  She gets it.  And she has been doing her own conscious healing regarding being The Caretaker Of All.  

As we talked about this, I said I wanted to see what was beneath the layer I now understood and had explored for years in therapy.  I get that I have a fear of being noticed, but is there anything more than that?  I took a moment during our conversation to get quiet and energetically look at this.  It feels a bit like a layered cake and as I peeked beneath the first large known layer I was surprised and a bit startled.  A thin, toxic layer of seething anger sprang out from it’s hiding place like a coiled snake then pulled back in, wanting to hide again.  What was that?  I told Sandy what I saw and she suggested that I explore it further.  With some effort I was able to uncover the meaning of the intense anger.  The next layer beneath the anger was the knowledge of what my life would have been like had I not developed these survival patterns of stealthful hiding, of being small and unknown.  I didn’t get specific details, but intuitively I was able to see the life I would have had without these patterns.  It was a grand life of ease and complete abundance in all aspects of my life: love, family, career, finances etc.  I can not explain how I felt as I had a glimpse of this possible life.  What felt to me, to be my lost life.  No wonder I’m seething about it.

We both agreed. I need to explore this anger.  Easier said than done.  We grew up in a family that was always happy.  Or at least that was what was demanded of us by family and religion.  And since that isn’t actually possible, we did a lot of pretending.  Anger wasn’t allowed in my world. Consequently, I don’t know how to do anger.  I’ve known for some time that this is a glitch in my life, and now it seems time to figure it out.  I don’t have a clue how to do that so I will meditate on this and ask my guides what to do.  They will know.

Excerpts from our weekly phone conversation:

Sandy - Everything that you had before, that got curtailed, is still in you.  You also have a lifetime of amazing experiences to add to it.  That was just the raw materials.  You’ve already done the hard work.  This is just the last curtain to push aside to get where you want to go.  You have the skills, the passion, the ability, and the drive.  You don’t have to learn that.  You just have to believe that you have it.  (Sandy then gave me examples of when I had used my financial skills to help other people that I know)  All you have to do is use those same skills on yourself.

__________

Sandy - Why do you think you chose this path of abuse?  (We both feel we had choice in where we came and what we wanted to learn in this lifetime)

Susan - I came in part, so I can help others.  

Sandy - If you can’t know how someone else feels, it’s hard to reach them.

Susan - Yes, I am better able to help others because of what I have been through.

__________

Sandy - How do you honor anger?  How do you show it?  

Susan - I don’t know.  To feel it and acknowledge it I guess.  I don’t have a clue.  I’ll have to ask my guides.  

Sandy - Anger is justified.  Anger is real.  What does it want from you?  

Susan - I have talked about anger in therapy.  I’ve cried my anger a lot.  I think people like us send our anger in and not out.  Some people send their anger out, as in fights or hurting others.  I think both ways are just as destructive.  I know I have hurt myself a great deal over the years with sending my anger inside myself.  I have taken the brunt of that anger.  I’ve got to find a different way.

Sandy - Write down everything you would have had in your life.  "What in these things do you want in your life?"  Then later, the next step will be, “What would you have created without the abuse?”

Susan - I know I’ve thought of this from time to time, but haven’t been able to look at this closely.  It feels really hard to look.

Sandy - It sounds like it’s a good time to do so.  

__________

Susan - I feel discouraged and frustrated because I’ve tried it all.  I’ve done every kind of healing you can think of to deal with all of this!

Sandy - All those tries are not wasted.  Believe in the concept that you had all the makings of that abundant life.  

Susan - I hadn’t thought of that before.  That really is a new idea.  

Sandy - When you overspend your money, it’s because something was taken from you at some point.  The energy is, “I will take it back even though it’s detrimental to what I really want in life.”

Susan - That really does describes the energy of how I was feeling when I was spending.  But I’ve never realized that before!

Sandy -  By not overspending, you are “taking it back” on a higher, more healthy and productive level.  Instead of undermining what you really want, by spending because of a reactionary emotion, you're mindful of the bigger goal and are creating that better life, one step at a time.  I choose not to do this because I don’t want to be at zero.  You have a bigger take back.  I equate it with food.  I’m going to fit into my pants better because I chose the bigger prize.  More than I want to feel justified.  I didn’t get what I want so I’m going to have this instead.  That ‘s what food issues are.

My Strength Today

My morning goal was to not eat any gluten today at the bosses-day lunch.  We had Mexican.  I ate a little rice but no gluten.  Feeling good about that.  Driving home I wanted sugar badly.  It felt like anxiety and addictive type behavior all the way.  Honestly, the only thing that got me to not stop and buy sugar was the thought of having to write about it and to tell Sandy.  Otherwise, I would have stopped.  It was still hard, but I got home without stopping.  If I get home I’m fine.  I won’t go back out for sugar.  Wow, just writing that really stuns me.  It really is addictive behavior.  It makes it real when you write it down and tell another. Or the whole world... Geesh, what was I thinking, writing a blog about this!  

Got back and took a nap.  I’ve had a headache for nearly a month.  My pillow had gotten old and flattened.  I finally bought a new pillow last week, but I still have the headache, which in part got me to the reading with Maria - which started this whole AA thing.  I realized, it’s not the physical.  It’s the energy.  And I knew without even having to tune in, that energetically, a stiff neck is about not seeing your options.  Too much fear to turn your head and see what’s there.  As I woke from the nap I could feel some energy that needed to go.  For me, the waking state is the best place to be, to be able to detect energy flow that is off within myself.  I am most out of my judgment at that time and so I can see/feel clearer.  In fact, this energy felt like an entity.  I have learned from past experiences to detect a certain vibration within myself that indicates an entity.  Those buggers can be hard to get rid of.  I called in all my allies, protectors and healers.  When I don’t feel well it’s harder for me to detect what is going on.  I have found when healing my behaviors in the past, that it is often associated with an entity of some kind.  So this doesn’t surprise me in the least.  It does piss me off.  How much more healing do I need to do?  I have come so, so far and healed so much.  Yet, there is more.  I can’t deny that my life is so much better than it used to be.  All that healing was not wasted time.  I am usually at peace.  But now the next frontier is fear, scarcity and lack.  Ok, onward I go.  The alternative of doing nothing and remaining the way I am - I can’t even fathom it.  There would be no point.  

__________________________________________________

Sandy's Response

Your strength today was allowing yourself to feel the anxiety, yet still do your chosen path for the day of no sugar, strengthens me. My day was on the run, so I didn’t choose as well as I’d like, though it was better than had I not had a mindful beginning to the day. Tomorrow, I will think of your drive home and remember anxiety is an opportunity to look at something, instead of numbing it with sugar/carbs. Addictive behavior is a scary phrase, but having you write about it and acknowledging it, helps me to face my own addictive behaviors. Naming it, is a huge part of healing.

Hope you are feeling better very soon. You’re very proactive in doing everything you can to be well. :)

A little AA quote about fear. “We ask [our higher power] to remove our fear and direct our attention to what [our higher power] would have us be.” (pg. 68) Asking to have fear removed, is a daily thing for most alcoholics. For me too. :)

Stewing On My Yoga Mat

Well, well, well, Three days of yoga in a row.  Some kind of record for me.  And what’s the difference you might add?  Gee, do you think there might be a correlation with me connecting with a sponsor three days ago regarding my addictive behaviors?  Bingo.  So where do I go from here?  My old tapes are whirling.  They are saying things like, “Ok, great job. But that’s enough for now.  You don’t want to over do it.  You know this thing can’t really work.  Slow down and step off this train and stick to what you know and what you can do.  It’s ok to do a little yoga here and there (as I have done for the past few years). Just don’t do enough that it’s truly going to make a difference in your life. Your arms are already feeling and looking different.  Warning! Warning!  Danger Will Robinson!  What the hell do you think you are doing?”  And the negative self talk and anxious feelings spiral out of control from there.  

I feel like I’m stuck between a rock and a hard spot.  Can’t go forward.  Can’t go back.  So I sit here on my yoga mat and stew.  So much for Savasana.   

___________________________________

Sandy's Response

I read your words before going to the pool today and I laughed because I wanted to make up all sorts of excuses of why I shouldn’t go. (Mom hadn’t been to the pool for about 3 weeks and I got out of the habit!) You motivated me to stop looking for excuses and just get there. And I’m so glad I did. The idea of a daily movement, which will be so beneficial to me in the long run and gives each of my days an important piece for my well being, is really big. And something our minds want to fight us about.

Why do you think your mind is putting up such a big fight? Those warning and danger signals are imposters! You deserve to feel good and to feel strong. You belong on this planet and have every right to be your best self. (as i write to you, i tell me these things too. :) )

_______________________________

Susan's Response

Believe it or not, feeling like a have a place on the planet, like a have a right to be on this planet, is a fairly new concept to me. The idea that I have the right to be my best self, now that is a new concept all together. Why haven't I thought of that before? That churns up all sorts of intense emotions.

Disturbing Morning Message

I woke up early this morning before the alarm went off.  Not an uncommon occurrence.  What I usually do with that time is call in my spirit Helpers, Protectors and Healers and either ask for information that would be helpful to my life and/or ask for a healing.  I was observing my energy flows this morning and there it was - my all too common companion - anxiety.  Energetically, I feel it throughout my body, but mostly I tend to feel it in my back and along my spine (chronic back pain for 23 years - go figure) and sometimes in my gut.  Oh, that I were a better writer and could actually describe what I feel.  Something like, scratchy, crackling energy but more intense, discomfort, low level fear (unless it revs higher), impending doom.  Yeah, something like that.

I asked my guides, "What is that?"  Their reply?  "The love of your addiction."

And spread them out in the sunlight and know the meaning of them.

When Sandy agreed to be my sponsor, this is the first thing she sent me.  She said,

This is one of my favorite quotes and it really encapsulates what the 12 step program is all about.  It's a proven path to recovery and healing.

The Serenity Prayer - A New Twist

Sandy's Response:

The serenity prayer came up a whole lot as I was working through the steps and I was given a wonderful way to look at it.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (other people’s choices)

The courage to change the things I can (my choices)

And the wisdom to know the difference. (This is cleaning our side of the street and allowing others to do the same, or not.)

You do you and keep your intent clean and let the rest go. :)

Just a side note. As I read about your day, you help me be more mindful and present and real with my own. This is benefitting me a great deal, so thank you.

First Assignment - Evening Meditation

It's kinda weird getting homework assignments from my little sister. She has agreed to be my sponsor while I work through my addition to scarcity and fear. We have agreed to talk on the phone once a week to update my goals and to talk about anything I need to talk about. And I will journal daily, share it with her, and she will respond. She is such a kind and wise soul that I already feel blessed to receive this generous gift from her. We have had many good and deep conversations. She has always supported and loved me. But homework assignments?? (hee hee - just kidding Sandy)

My first assignment was to read page 86 in the AA Big Book. I broke it down and wrote it out as a series of questions to be asked during the morning and eventing mediations. As Sandy said, this is geared towards alcoholics so some of this will apply to my addiction behaviors and some of it will not. That is one reason I am so glad to have her as my sponsor; she knows me and my issues and can help me focus the program on my needs. She is also freaken intuitive so I won't be able to get anything past her. Damn.

I'll get into more of this later, but so you know what I'm talking about I'll say now, that I'm being treated for Leaky Gut Syndrome. My diet should be void of gluten, dairy, sugar, grains, legumes. Pretty much, I'm eating meat, vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds. When I'm on it I feel good. When I'm not eating well I fell ill, I have acne, and I feel depressed. When I eat gluten I get all kinds of crazy symptoms like severe muscle and joint pain (to the point of almost not being able to walk), swelling especially in the hands and feet (to the point of balance problems), gut bloating, pain and constipation. Dairy congests my sinuses, gives me a soar throat and GI problems. Sugar lowers my immune symptom where I get sick easier and my A1C is creeping up. I feel so sick when I don't eat clean that you would think I would just eat clean! But no. Hence the 12 steps. I cannot do the things I need to do to be healthy and happy. Not by myself.

Some of these questions really don't apply to me but I decided to answer them the best I can and then Sandy and I can fine tune as we go. I don't want to be judgmental and dismiss something that seems irrelevant because it actually could be quite important. This is where Sandy will come in and help me see through my bullshit and avoidance. So here's my best attempt at answering these questions - and Sandy's responses below.

Evening Meditation

1. Constructively Review My Day (Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?)  I don’t think I was any of these things.  Perhaps afraid a bit with food.  I ate very clean today and did have some gluten free noodles which is off the program, but I physically felt like I should have them.  A bit of fear connected with the usual scarcity feeling - but not to the level of anxiety.  It was overall a peaceful day.  

2. Do I owe an apology?  I actually didn’t see anyone today.  I had a very quiet peaceful day.  I just saw an email from mom that I didn’t answer yet and felt a little guilt about that.  But I think the guilt is unhealthy, not the not answering the email.  Still trying to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with mom.  But I don’t feel I owe an apology.  

3. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?  No, I stay pretty clear on this one.  As soon as I realize I need to say it, I make every effort to do so.  Even if it scares me.

4. Was I kind and loving towards all?  I was kind and loving to myself.  Lot’s of self care today.  Did yoga and watched a couple of shows - Bridget Jones Diary marathon.  I’ve allowed myself to watch some Netflix in the last month or so.  I work hard to only watch shows that uplift my energy.  I had some good belly laughs today while watching Bridget and then burst out crying at one point at the realization that I am always laughing alone (I am mostly alone).  But for the most part I am content with my life, but it is a solitary life.  I find contentment because I don’t know what else to do to remedy this one.  I will continue to heal and love and be grateful for what I have.  And allow myself the occasional cry as needed.  

5. What could I have done better?  I went to take a walk today, but Spirit told me to go back in as the sky was very unhealthy.  Tons on chemtrails today because of the big air show in Boise.  A shower would have been nice, but I was too lazy.  Maybe that’s a good thing.  It is my day off after all.

6. Was I thinking of myself most of the time?  Hmmm, not sure about this one.  I was getting things done and doing things I enjoy.  Over all, I’m not sure about this question.  I’m going to have to ask Sandy.  I have spent my whole life doing for others. My bigger goal it to think more about myself.  What will my sponsor say about this?

7. Was I thinking of what I could do for others, or what I could pack into the stream of life?  See above.

8. Did I diminish my usefulness to others by drifting into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection? Not at all.

9. Ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.  I don’t feel like I have anything to ask forgiveness for.  I don’t think I like the wording of some of these questions.  It assumes the worse.  I don’t think I (rarely) do anything that requires forgiveness.  But this is my chance to find out.  I don’t just want to assume this.  I will have to sit in meditation about this and see what Spirit has to say.  Maybe Sandy and I can come up with better questions for me.  I’ll also ask Spirit what corrective measure can be taken.  Now, that is a useful question for me.
   
   

____________________________________________________

Sandy's Response:

Hi Susan,

I just read your questions and I would like to reply. Remember that this is geared towards alcoholics. They have a very specific mindset to overcome and I think it is very good to gear the questions to how it most makes sense to you. Remember this was also written in the 30's so the language is more parochial. Words like "forgiveness" trigger me some too, so I try and think of other ways to approach the concepts in the inventory. We can go over them to fine tune it to what you want to explore daily.

Also, I too have had a life of being taught I was not to think of self, but to dedicate it to others. When working the program, the concepts of letting go of self sometimes confused me. This "putting aside of self" way of thinking is part of why I needed the 12 steps in the first place. I asked my sponsor, Dean about this and have kept a copy of my words and his reply. My words will be in blue and his in red. You can tell by what I wrote, I didn't even know how to ask the question, so I'm processing as I write.

I've been thinking a lot about something you said yesterday. "I have prayed so hard and I feel nothing but doing these next right things." Things have been a little unfocused lately and your words jolted me into realizing why. I've been staying busy and have been reaching out to others, trying to forget self, but in doing so, I may be missing a key factor. Me. How do you balance getting outside yourself and also doing what's best for yourself? I feel like I'm asking you a question that you're partly answering in that quote above, which is prayer. But, I wonder how much of a balancing act this if for you. I find great strength in seeing you pursue your dreams, because I believe they're God given and they will benefit others and be fulfilling to you. I also see that the road won't be easy, but you feel guided and you trust God will walk you through. Dean, I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking, but I think it's more to say, I'm grateful for your example and I'm committed to deepening my connection to God, so I can also "feel nothing, but doing these next right things." I pray for clarity.

Doing things for others and trying to be selfless is important, but don't neglect yourself. Find time to meditate (11th step) and enjoy your free and quiet moments. Take some time for yourself to find laughter or a smile. Movies and books are your good friends, so indulge with them and enjoy yourself. I think for you, you have spent so much time worrying about others, it's unnatural for you to take that free time and enjoy that me-time, but you should and you deserve it. It's when you get too involved in yourself that you aren't of service and that's when it's bad (he's writing this from personal experience), but you don't have that capacity. Have goals, desires, wants, and dreams, you may not achieve all of them, but it makes life fun and exciting to have those hopes and strive for them. I hope that helps.

I hope that's of help for you too, Susan. I believe you and I know when we get too self involved and it becomes unhealthy. When I was at my lowest, and in my own head too deeply, reaching out to others, even an email or doing laundry, was my only way of being able to pull myself out of my darkness. It works. I had to use it daily for a long time. My sadness overwhelmed me and I needed a way out, but this isn't yours or my natural state. You and I are very good at reaching out to others. Some people in AA don't know how to do this yet, hence the meditations and why it is mentioned so much in the book.

____________________________________________________


Susan's Response:

Oh Sandy,

Thanks for your kind and insightful words. They really help.  And yes, let's do some rewrites next week on the questions.  Some are good, some don't apply and some I suspect I should be addressing but I don't think I need to - those are the ones I want your intuitive help on.  Don't let me pretend that I'm healthier than I am.  Don't let me skip over the work that I need to be doing.  Feeling any pressure by being my sponsor?  I hope not.  You are up for this task!  

____________________________________________________
Sandy's Response:

I feel no pressure! Just excitement and a desire to be real with you and myself as well as abundantly compassionate. :)

I’ve been thinking about your question #9 above. The key to inventory is to find what is working and exam what isn’t. Forgiveness from God is not your concern at all, but forgiveness of self for not doing everything well is something to think about. This evening inventory is about being kind to the self and feeling like you can wrap up the day in a bow and say, it is finished and I have been mindfully living it. I’d change the question to. #9 Am I being compassionate to myself and does Spirit have some adjusting for me to consider for tomorrow? What do you think about this kind of question?

It's called Scarcity

Ok, here’s how it started.  I was in the grocery store last Friday night.  It had been a long week and I was tired and ready for a weekend break.  Not having any food in the house, and knowing I wouldn’t want to go back out after I got home, I stopped at the store.  It was the proverbial nightmare of having several bags of groceries all rung up and going to pay for the whole thing and, horror-of-horrors, “insufficient funds”.  What?  I thought I had about $300 in the bank!  How could I have miscalculated so badly?  Back in the day I could see this happening, but not now.  I keep a fairly close look at my money.  I even have a budget, which if truth be told I don’t stick to as well as I should.  But I know where every penny of my misspent money has gone.  I really have come a long way in my financial life - if we are talking about healing and insight.  But not if we are talking about actual wealth.  I’m still stuck at zero.  The energy of my financial life, I have looked at and explored every which way you could imagine.  For example, I figured out some years ago that I have been running on the believe that I can’t have money unless I have a man in my life (comes from my upbringing).  Now, if you were to ask me if I believe that, I would laugh in your face.  But somewhere deep inside of me, I have that energy pattern which in the end, runs the show.

Back to my melt down Friday night which promptly ensued when I arrived home from the grocery store.  Why am I still stuck in these old energy patterns?  I’m a healer for God’s sake!  I help other people release these patterns so they can run their lives from a clear energy flow.  Why can’t I do that for myself?  Even though I have come a long, long way in my own personal healing, I am still stuck at “zero” - meaning, staying at a zero balance.  I pay the bills, don’t starve, and I’m not homeless but I also don’t have any extra - ever.  

We don’t compartmentalize.  If we do something in one aspect of our lives, we will find that pattern across the board.  And so it is true with me.  I hover low and undetected in finances, career, love life, health and on and on.  No serious crash-and-burns, but no noticeable lift-offs either.  In my sniveling haze Friday night, the only clarity I could get was the impression, “Get a reading."  

Not to my surprise, when I got the energy reading, it was spot on.  It's so very difficult to hear if you are wanting to avoid your shit.  But Friday night was a tipping point for me.  I could feel it.  Why can’t I move past this point?  It’s not from lack of trying.  Anyone close to me can tell you that.  It’s nearly a daily practice of mine to look at what I am doing and why.  Healing truly is a passion of mine and I start that focus with me.  So why?  What is the brick wall that I have crashed into my entire life?  Well, she nailed it.  I’m an addict.  

It’s so easy for me to avoid that ugly word because I don’t fit into the common definition of that word such as “alcoholic” or “drug abuser”.  Though I haven’t been in the religion for nearly 30 years, I began this incarnation as a Mormon.  (Not my only lifetime as a Mormon, by the way)  The good news is I never got into abusing myself with substances such as alcohol or drugs - or even coffee.  The bad news is that I got into abusing myself with substances such as food.  As the reading revealed, my body weight has been my security blanket to keep me in a specific mode of trauma and drama.  Though it’s a shitty place to be, I don’t want to let go of that “comfort”.  And what is that comfort?  It’s called scarcity.  I’m too afraid to touch the silver platter.  What if I do touch it and it doesn’t work?  I would be berated and told that I should never have tried.  It’s better to just leave it alone.  

The reader said that I’m about to make a choice to embrace the scary feeling of going where I have never gone before.  What would that feel like?  Well, it would be limitless.  That my friends, is the scariest feeling of all.  If I stay away from all of that abundance, I wouldn’t be disappointed and I wouldn’t be at risk.  As any addict knows, if you push those boundaries of fear, the anxiety becomes so intense it literally feels like you are going to die.  It is a terror beyond words, and off to the “drug of choice” we go to sooth and forget the thought of leaving the comfort - no matter how shitty that “comfort” is.  And all the while we are dying.  Addiction of any kind is a killer to the physical, the emotional, the spiritual.

During the reading, the thought kept coming to me to do the 12 Steps (Alcoholics Anonymous) and ask my sister Sandy to be my sponsor.  Being a mental health nurse, I have a good general knowledge of the 12 Step program.  I have even attended some meetings in support of others.  But I have never worked the program myself.  Nor would it have occurred to me to do so. Again, I had never thought of myself as adict material since I rarely drink and don’t do drugs.  But I believe in the power of this program.  I know it has helped countless people since its beginnings in the 1930s. It feels right and I know that I am at a point in my life that I can’t get past this wall on my own.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  There seems no point to life if it just looks like this.  There must be movement and I finally feel it at the trailhead of this journey.  Am I afraid of this path?  Words cannot describe the fear I feel.  But I do not see, nor do I feel there is any other way.  

About my sister.  I write about her with her permission.  She too is an atypical addict.  I don’t believe she has ever even had a drink of alcohol or taken any kind of non perscription drug.  She states that her addition is to fear.  Several years ago, she was helping a friend of hers that is an alcoholic.  Though he was in his 20s, he had been drinking a long time and was physically ill because of it.  I believe she helped to save his life.  He is in law school now and has been sober for a couple of years.  He worked the 12 Steps and she supported him through it.  This was her introduction to the program.  Somewhere along the way, she realized that she too needed the program for her own life.  She would say that it has been a life changing experience for her.  And so, I have asked her if she will be my sponsor and she has said yes.  It’s a huge responsibility and I’m so touched and humbled that she would walk with me on this journey.  And horror of horrors, I have decided to blog about it.  I don’t know why exactly.  Maybe accountability.  Maybe insanity.  I just know that I feel guided to do so.  I could see this morphing into a very boring blog about my repetitive addictive behaviors.  So be it.  My journey begins.