Sitting Zen at the Bottom of the Cannon

I dreamt that I was ready. There was no hesitation, not even down to my inner core. At peace and excited, all the stuff you want to feel when you begin to create. A pure flow without old emotional wounds and fears rearing their ugly heads shouting the constant, "You can'ts!" and, "You are not enoughs" cacophony that so often accompanies the desire to be who we really are. Or even just to stick a toe into the waters of pure soul purpose.  

Yes, there was distraction in the dream. People all around me were chaotic and seemed so immersed in things that had nothing to do with me and my creation. But not even that deterred me. I was blissfully focused on the birth of this creation at hand. And it was coming from my hands. I could feel the energy building ready to come forth. But I wasn't facing just right and it hampered the actual doing of it. I started to shift my body so I could get into a better angle, but it still wasn't adequate. And then the dream ended. Meaning, that's where I'm at folks. I'm bursting at the seams to be me at the most truest level, and I'm not quite there.

Oh, and how I feel it in my waking life. The signs and dreams and intuitive messages all tell me that I'm done with my current job. It has been a perfect staging area of learning and growing. It has given me a slew of new skills and abilities that sparkle on my resume. And it was the perfect easy place to weather out the two diverse storms of school and then COVID. And though I have been bored out of my skull for some time, I regret nothing and am overflowing with gratitude for the experience and for the people. Boring is an excellent place to be when you need brain cells for study, and a safe space while the world crumbles. Yet, I'm ready for a change. But nothing has changed.

Here's the deeper issue. As I'm working with advanced beings who are healing me and shifting me to a higher dimension, I find that I wonder, "What is it all for?" Oh boy, that's embarrassing to say out loud (or write it down as the case may be). As I have worked first with my Guides and Spirit Helpers, then add the Pleiadians, and now the Arcturians. What is there for me to complain about? Perhaps it's my ego kicking in. The voice in my head says, "Sure, you get healed and move on to a higher vibration, but then what? What's the point? Shouldn't I be doing something?" And I really shouldn't be saying that because I get a glimpse of the energy of these beings. There are no adequate words to describe them, but let's just go ahead and toss out a few: Unconditional love, freakishly advanced ability to heal, and unadulterated contentment. That's what I feel from them. They've got their shit together.

So, what's my problem? My problem is that I'm itching to do something (note dream above). The old paradigm is collapsing, the New Earth is emerging. There are some incredible, creative things happening out there right now. And what am I doing? Nothing. I have mad skills a plenty. Nothing. I have desire and ability. Nothing. I want to be helpful and purposeful. Nothing. 

I am hyper aware that my old, unhealthy patterning was to be crazy busy to avoid my feelings and emotions - my drug of choice in my particular addiction. I could so easily jump back into that sort of action. But I won't, not any more. When I ask Spirit what I should be doing, I am told to get quiet and go within. So I do that, and that is where I find peace. What is a girl to do? I'm sitting Zen at the bottom of the cannon. Is someone going to lite the fuse or is this it? And if so, is this enough? 

Butt Bites

"Fire Alarm, Low Battery" beeped into my subconscious. I was in such a deep sleep that I don't know how long it took for me to finally realize something was going on that needed my attention. I stumbled down the hall and grabbed the step ladder and the batteries. Nothing smooth in this operation. Fiddling with the apparatus while perched on the ladder, I finally realized that this wasn't going to happen without my reading glasses. Ok, that done, I was able to extract the old battery and insert the new one. Which turned out not to be a new battery and needed to be changed too. But that didn't register until after I had put away the step ladder and the batteries and was headed back to bed at which point the beeping warning started up again. I did all of the steps above - again! 

I finally, groggily rolled back into bed delighted to finally go back to sleep. As I was drifting off, my eyes flew open. Was I missing something? I have learned that life is symbolic. Everything reflects truth back to us. It is a monumental advantage for us to pay attention. I asked my guides if the alarm had a message for me and sure as shootin', it was a big one and needed my attention immediately. I then energetically took care of business which involved me needing a lot more protections then I currently had, and I needed them in that moment! 

I get it. Life can seem easier to just numb out and go back to sleep - figuratively and literally. However, the actual truth of it is, going back to sleep will bite us in the butt every time. Our Inner Wise Being and the Creator wants us to wake up for our own benefit. If we don't look at the truth that is being shown to us, the bite in the butt will get more and more painful... until we do pay attention. It's not fun dealing with icky stuff like I did at 2:00 this morning. But it's done now, and I am at peace. No butt bites for me today.  

A Nurse's Heart

I had a compassionate nurse's heart. As a patient, that's what one would hope for. A kind and loving person who sees and takes care of every need without having to be asked. When one doesn't feel well, it can be difficult to ferret out what one needs. That's when a good nurse can step in and be their intuitive, competent self, to just know what needs doing and do it. I was that nurse. Until I wasn't. Somewhere along the way my good nurse's heart got killed. Oh, I still went through the motions; I doubt any of my patients knew I was dying a slow death inside. But as less of my true giver-self lived, the harder it became to pretend. Though, I did such a good job of pretense I was the last to notice. 

Looking back over my 35 years of nursing, it is a mingle of joy and regret. How could I have done it better? I think regarding my patients, I feel at peace - I did my best. But as a healer, how did I get it so wrong? How can a caregiver find balance and take care of themselves as much (if not more) then they take care of others? Is it even possible? Personally, I had to leave nursing to get healthy. But where does that leave the patient? Oh, I could go on long tyrants about our health care system and how it crushes the loving soul out of its front line workers. I watched and experienced the steady increase of that crush since I started working as a nurse in 1982. There used to be an era when a nurse could take the time and have management support to hold the hand of a patient and listen to them when they needed that sort of loving care, more than they needed any other kind of treatment in that moment. Those days are gone. What dies in a nurse who sees and ignores that magic moment simply because there is not enough time? 

I'm still reluctant to reach out my hand and listen. I want that part of me back. How do I get that part of me back? 

The Human of a Thousand Questions

This morning's shamanic journey took me to a place I had never been to before. And no, they didn't tell me where I was going before hand. I mentioned that in yesterday's post. I do believe that that method has been a lesson in trust over the years but as I was thinking upon it this morning, I realized there is another piece to that teaching. I believe that my Spirit Guides are teaching me to shut up and just observe. I'm the human of a thousand questions. I'm curious by nature. Strengthsfinder pings me as a Learner, no surprise there. But I had gotten into the bad habit of shooting off an ever lengthening list of rapid fire questions when talking to the Wise Ones. Instead, on these journeys, they are showing me how to be quiet, and experience. Oh, what wonders come to me when I do that! The nuances of everything going on around me are beyond any verbal answers that could be given to a litany of questions. It takes time and I can be impatient. But I find when I rush to the "What is this?" and the "Why am I hear?" defaults, I don't truly get the deeper answers. I am learning to let the experience reveal itself in its own organic fashion. It's been a game changer.  

This morning I slide off of Eagle's back and stood waiting for the unfolding. I was told to look towards my feet. It felt like I was standing on "something" but when I looked down there was nothing below me. Well, that's not exactly right. There was this amazing blue, not just below me but all around me. It was all I could see everywhere I looked. It was a shade of blue I had never seen before. Maybe a cross between a sky blue and an aqua blue? What was more attention grabbing was the energy of it all. I had never felt the like. A good place I think, but what was it for? It was all... foreign. Sort of out of kilter but not necessarily in a bad way. I was told that this is a healing place in another dimension. It occurs to me now, while I am writing, that I don't know the name of this place. I'm just going to assume that I don't need a name. (Oh that's hard for a frontal brain that wants to categorize and make sense of places/people/things! - but I let it go.)

I've had chronic back and neck pain since 1994 - two auto accidents in 94 and 98. Throw in Epstein-Barr and Chronic Fatigue in the 80s, autoimmune and food allergies now (gluten makes it feel like every cell in my body is on fire). And let's not forget liver pain (from Fatty Liver) and intestinal pain (from Leaky Gut). Jeepers, why can't I have pretty sounding diagnoses? Well, last night was a bad one, I didn't sleep well for the increased pain. I think I must have eaten gluten yesterday by mistake because I hurt from head to toe. I've had many healings and many discoveries over the years as to what my body has been telling me, but the pain persists. I'm guessing I hadn't learned all of the needed lessons yet. So, it was a bit of a shock when I was told that I could leave my pain there. I don't understand it. I hesitated for a millisecond and then I dumped. I went from body part to body part and released the pain with love and gratitude for lessons learned. What will be the outcome from all of this? I have no idea. But I will say I'm practically pain free while writing this post. Ok, I'm just going to sit with this for awhile. 

The City in the Center of the Earth

I've been there. More than once. With shamanic journey practice one can go anywhere on the earth and throughout the galaxies. And as it turns out, to the center of the earth as well. Several weeks ago my Guides and Spirit Helpers told me it was time to go on a journey, if I wanted to go. They are always so kind and courteous and respectful to me. They never demand or impose their own agendas, all hallmarks of an exceptionally high vibrational being. It's the only kind of being that I will interact with any more. The irony is that I never say no when they suggest a journey. Yet, I am forever grateful to have the sovereign choice. 

It was one of those journeys in which they do not tell me where we are going ahead of time. This kind of journey has been a lesson in trust over the years and decades. And these beloved helpers have earned my trust. Yet every time I go on one of these "blind" journeys, it's always a bit like leaping off a cliff (where I can't even see the bottom!). Have we ended up in places that surprise me, perplex me, or bring me to my knees weeping in awe? Yes, all of the above and much more. But I have always been safe, and over time (sometimes years), the journey makes sense to me and becomes a part of my rock of wisdom and understanding about who I am and the way things work. So when they say, "It's time for a journey, would you like to go?" I exclaim, "Hell Yes!" And off the cliff we go. 

My moldavite did a runner

My moldavite did a runner. It was there and a few hours later when I looked for it, it was gone. Moldavite does that sometimes. It's a powerful crystal that shifts energy and heals. If any of you have used moldavite, you know what I mean. It's not for the faint of heart. Ha, or maybe it is as it's a good heart chakra healer too.

This crystal is not of this world. Some think it's a meteorite, but it's not. It was created after a meteorite impacted Nordlinger Ries in Germany about 15 million years ago. The silica sand and rock that flew into the atmosphere from the explosion melted and cooled falling back to the ground mostly in the Czech Republic. The result is a dark green, glass-like crystal that will blow your socks off. It was not created in or on the earth. 

When I realized mine had disappeared, I was sad. I love my crystal and rock friends. But they come and go as they please - usually I gift them to other people or take them back to Mother Earth as they tell me when and where they want to go. I just get to hang out with them for a time. But moldavite is notorious for actually disappearing into thin air, sometimes returning later, and sometimes never to return. What I do know is that it left me because our work together is finished, i.e. I've done my healing work with it and now it can go. I'm feeling content and slightly smug about it all. Ok, that's ego, but there you go. 

Layer upon layer

I woke up remembering a dream I had last night and I thought I would share.

Dream - Inside Out Pants

I was in charge of getting tickets to a play for a group activity. These were people that I didn't know very well, but I belonged to their social club. In the dream, I was only semi organized (which isn't like me at all! I'm highly organized, especially when planning an event of any kind - I've run too many classes, workshops and retreats to be a slouch in this area). Instead of being early, I showed up at the last minute. I hadn't given myself time to dress so I was mismatched and my pants were inside out. I didn't really talk to anyone while I was there. I was in "make it happen" mode and got everyone where they needed to go. But I wasn't enjoying myself and it didn't even occur to me that I could be having a good time. At the last minute, an unpleasant family obligation came up for me and I bailed on going to the play myself. Again, I was going through the motions of socializing, but missing the mark. 

Interpretation of the dream

I have recently made a stab at joining a social group. My attempt pretty much runs the gamut of the dream. Although I have NEVER turned up to an event with my pants inside out! I do however skirt the perimeter, never really going deep with anyone or anything. It's just what I do. And it's just what I have done for most of my life, as far back as I can remember. 

I know where some of this comes from. The sexual abuse in my childhood has made me feel unlovable and unknowable. Plus, if they really knew about me, they would shun me so why not just save them the need to do it (and save me the humiliation of being rejected). I became aware of this pattern a decade or so ago when my painful, childhood memories started to surface. Ten plus years, intense therapy, and many energy healings later, I understand clearly why I do this. And in truth, I have come a long way from the friendly loner I have always been. I think most people I have known over the years might be surprised to know how much I have been holding back in relationships and connections of any kind. But I know. 

It can be frustrating to do so much healing work... and still have the SAME DAMN ISSUES! But I get it now. Wounding happens layer upon layer and healing is incremental. Why? I have asked myself that question many a time. I think it's because that's all I can handle. Change can be difficult on all levels: physical, emotional, energetic. And healing equates change. 

After I interpreted the dream this morning, I realized there was a healing there if I wanted it. One of the things I do now after I interpret my dreams is to ask, "How can this picture change for the better?" The dream picture of disconnection and loneliness morphed into a beautiful, pink energy of love. It felt right, down to my bones. I called on the Pleiadians to help me and they gladly offered to give me healing. And they did. 

What is your inner knowing telling you?

The thing that lights me up these days is the desire to help create what some call, the New Earth. I believe that everyone currently on planet earth has chosen to incarnate at this momentous time in earth's history. As of December 2020, we are now in the Aquarian Age. Look to focus of collaboration and community based living. We all thrive when the collective thrives. We humans are waking up in droves which enables us to feel our inner knowing of why we are here. The call will grow stronger and stronger. Inner and outer peace comes as we align with that knowing. I call to my peeps as our energy frequency rises higher and higher and enables the ascension of humankind and Mother Earth. What is your inner knowing telling you? 

A Time Capsule

 Well well, it seems it's time for a change. I haven't felt like writing for a loooong time. I don't write unless I feel inspired to do so - or it doesn't end well. So much has happened and so much blessed healing. Shout out and gratitude for all beings physical and non for your grace, power, and influence on my life. "Thank you" doesn't even come close. You know my heart. It speaks beyond words.

I sit down to write and I'm told it's time for a new look. I began this blog when I started back to school after 33 years of doing life stuff. Writing has always be a way of processing my experiences and making sense of the senseless. My first journal was in 1972 when I was eleven years old. Getting a bachelor's degree at Boise State University in December 2019 gave me a new skill and confidence in writing. It's nice to be able to better express myself. The more I write, the better I get and the more I enjoy it. I'm thrilled that it is calling to me again. 

As a time capsule, I took a snip of what will now be my old blog design. The books were perfect for the college experience. I have no idea what the new look will be. When I create, I seldom know the outcome. I just know the first step. As I take it, the next one appears - but only if I take that first step. So here goes the plunge!

First blog design from January 2015 - August 2021

Breaking Down to Break Through

This is the beginning of a whole new, heart centered era. As the old ways break down and the new world emerges, who do I want to be? What would that mean to the world? What would it mean to me? I feel ready, but I don't have the details. When I ask, Spirit tells me the details will come later. I trust that the plan that emerges for my life will be realistic and long term. I'm in it for the long haul.