This is something I wrote in 1995. I will remind you that it was a time before such things as Ellen and The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It was a time before internet for the masses. No body was talking about this, unless you count the sensational talk shows. And by the way, because I was considered a subject expert at the time, I was a guest on Opera, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Geraldo talk shows in the early 90s. At the time I founded and facilitated local and national support groups for straight spouses and partners of homosexuals.
After watching Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons on the Daily Show, I have been thinking about this issue that used to saturate my life, my every moment. I found this article that I wrote over 20 years ago. It pains me that we are still stuck in this. We are still losing our loved ones to depression and suicide for a situation that
we create. Enough! I resubmit my words to the world. Let this end now.
And I won't leave you hanging. If you want good and supportive information, contact this wonderful organization. You are not alone.
A Former Wife’s Story
By Susan Fullmer
Originally published in 1995
My name is Susan Fullmer and I was married to a gay man. When my husband told me he was gay, I was overwhelmed. It was a situation beyond comprehension, and yet I was living it. Have you ever had the experience of swimming down into deep water and becoming disoriented? I knew I was drowning, but I couldn’t figure out which way was up. In the aftermath of disclosure one thing was clear, we could not tell anyone what was going on in our marriage. The possibility of being ostracized or worse hung over our heads constantly. At this time I became aware of gay bashing. I was horrified to hear news stories of men who were attacked simply because they were gay. I became acquainted with a few men who had been harassed or beaten. One man nearly died when he was stabbed in the back by a homophobic assailant. I lived in constant fear that my husband would suffer the same.
Then there was the threat of death from within the walls of our own home. My husband was suicidal. What I didn’t understand then, was that as our marriage progressed he realized that his decision to marry me was a mistake. He thought marriage would ease his pain of being gay, but instead he found that his pain was magnified. Not only did he feel worse about his own situation, but he then found that he had created a tragedy for those he loved. I hated to leave the house because when I came home I never knew if I would find him as a warm body or a cold one. He had detailed plans for his suicide and in our garage he kept the paraphenalia to carry out his plan. I wanted to throw it away, but I knew he would just buy more. And he would have been very angry with me, adding to the already tense situation we constantly lived in. He refused help and forbade me to seek it. I was confused and scared. I didn’t have the clarity or the strength to do what needed to be done. Somehow, in my naivete, I thought we could figure it out together.
I spent sleepless nights worrying about the fate of my infant son. What kind of life would he have? What would people think of him? And more importantly, what would he think of himself? Should we keep this a secret from him or would he be happier in the long run if he knew? Could we fit a skeleton of this size in our closet, and if so, what price would be paid? Should I stay in the marriage? What would be best for my family? What would be best for me? The questions were never-ending. The answers seldom came.
One of the most frustrating things to deal with is the lack of support and understanding surrounding this topic. It’s not discussed because, frankly, most people don’t even consider the possibility of it happening. Those who do experience it, don’t talk about it for obvious reasons. This makes it very difficult for those seeking accurate information. The solitude can be unbearable. The only person I had to talk to was the source of my pain, my gay husband. And then we usually ended up talking about him and his problems. I used to think I was the only woman in the world who had ever been married to a homosexual. That existence was a lonely and frightening place. Many women who find themselves married to a gay man have similar feelings. Who can they talk to? How can they know they are not alone? Through my work facilitating local and national support groups for straight spouses of gays and lesbians, I have since talked to hundreds of people in situations like mine throughout the United States and beyond. No, I am not alone.
Being married to a gay man marred me in many ways. I find it astounding that the number of years it has taken me to heal has far exceeded the number of years I was actually married. And in many ways, I am still healing. The straight spouse of a homosexual can experience many of the same issues when going through a divorce/separation as does the heterosexual couple such as anger, trust, abuse of all kinds, single parenting, finances, etc. These things alone are overwhelming, but then there are also the issues that are uniquely found in gay/straight marriages, such as the issue of femaleness. In three short years of marriage, my sense of my own femaleness took a terrible blow. (I speak to my gender’s experience, but I know that my male counterpart can have similar experiences.) These were my sexually formative years. My beliefs about myself and my subsequent relationships with men were molded by a person who was repulsed by women’s bodies. This goes far beyond sex. The devaluation of a person due to their gender is devastatingly damaging. The words I often hear women in this situation use to describe themselves are, “non-person”, “asexual”, and “invisible”. Often these women reject femininity in their dress and manner. There is a feeling that one must hide what isn’t wanted to make the marriage work. And yet my husband reprimanded me for not dressing nicer. It was a confusing time to say the least. The acceptable parameters a gay man can set for his wife are very narrow. She must deny a large part of herself to fit within them. I cannot overstate what being intimate with a gay man does to the mind and soul of a woman. Especially when she does not know he is gay and she is living in a life where the rules have been secretly changed.
Almost all women, to some degree, blame themselves for their husbands being gay. Sometimes even the husband or others will tell her it’s her fault. I well remember people telling me that if I had just given him want he wanted in bed, this wouldn’t have become a problem. I spent countless hours in desperation trying to figure out what I did wrong or what I didn’t do right. I now realize that this makes no sense. For example, if you are a straight man, what would it take for a woman to turn you gay? It’s absurd, yet I rarely meet a straight spouse who hasn’t struggled with these thoughts.
And here is another issue we deal with. I have talked with too many women who discovered their husbands are gay when he was diagnosed as HIV positive.
Most gay men I have talked to yearned most of their lives to express their true feelings. But the pressure to be straight from family, religion, and society is excruciating. We as humans have a strong need for love and acceptance, and so gay/straight marriages continue to happen. I have even heard some gay men refer to wives as their “ticket” to acceptance. And if that doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, you may want to ask those same wives, “How does that make you feel?”
I heard a story many years ago that I can’t seem to get out of my head these days. Once there was a pretty little town in the mountains. The only road leading to the town was a dangerous drive with a particular turn that was difficult to maneuver. Many a car had missed the turn and plunged over the embankment into the dropoff below. One day the town council held a special meeting to decide what to do about the many accidents at this infamous curve. Many suggestions were made, but after long debate, everyone agreed on a plan. An ambulance would be parked at the bottom of the hill to immediately assist anyone who might have the misfortune of missing the curve and falling to certain injury or death.
My message is simple. We don’t have to stand at the bottom of the hill and watch them fall. The ambulance is not a bad idea. The injuries of those in gay/straight marriages are severe. They need and deserve immediate attention. But we need more than that. We need a guardrail placed by those who care. We need signposts along the way with clear and accurate information. What we need is prevention. I continue to see so much suffering. I ask myself all the time, “Couldn’t any of this have been prevented?” The answer is yes!
If you are encouraging homosexuals to marry, please reconsider. Understand clearly the long-term effects of what you are asking them to do. If you are in a dilemma as to what kind of counsel to give them, ask yourself this, “What advice would I give a gay man who is engaged to marry my own daughter?” Is the risk minimal enough to experiment with her health and happiness and that of your grandchildren?
If you are a heterosexual who is in love with a homosexual and you feel that you can make it work, insist that your loved one speak honestly with you about their true feelings. Deal with the facts. Insist on the truth. This is very difficult, but it is much easier to do it now than later. Seek information, and most importantly, talk to someone who has actually married a gay person.
If you are homosexual and are married or are considering marriage to a straight partner, I ask you to take responsibility for your actions. I empathize with your pain. I understand the unfair pressure that is put on you. I know that those whom you love and trust are assuring you that it is the best thing to do, but they tell you this because they do not understand the nature of this situation. Ultimately you and you alone are responsible for your decision. Make it a decision you can live with. Make it a decision she can live with. I promise you that a marriage of deceit and lies will only add to your pain in ways that you cannot imagine.
If you are gay and ready to talk to a heterosexual women in your life, do so with love and clarity. Have support and information ready for her if she wants it. Do not assume that she understands homosexuality. Unless she has had extensive, conscious education on homosexuality, she will not get it! Do not drop subtle hints that you expect her to understand. It will take time and patience on your part.
If you are a gay man, be careful how you treat close straight woman friends. Unless she has a very good understanding of homosexuality and knows you are gay, don’t be overly affectionate and don’t use her as your sole emotional support. Remember, she is straight and you are a man. It is natural for her to develop strong feelings for you. This kind of support feels good to you, but it is not fair to her.
The topic of gay/straight marriage is not an easy one to bring into the open. But I have seen over the years that keeping the secret is far more damaging than the secret itself. If you want support and information, it is available to you. Many others understand and have gone through what you are going through. You do not need to do this alone.
