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This morning I woke up in despair. No wait, let me backtrack a bit. I woke up with a yucky feeling and I had no idea what it was or why I was feeling it. But I didn't like it. Not one bit.
I work fairly hard at keeping my energy high. Higher vibrational moods are the ones we might term "good" such as joyful, contented, and creative. Lower vibrations are the "baddies" such as fear, hatred, and you guessed it, despair. Though most of my life was a tale of mucking through the cesspool of lower vibrations - good therapy, good healers, and time have brought me to a fairly decent chapter of my story. Mostly, I feel downright good.
From time to time I plummet to the depths of something that is definitely not "good." Oddly enough, I sometimes don't know how to identify it. What I'm referring to is the difficulty to connect the feeling with what the feeling is called. In my family of origin, we didn't do emotions. Ok, actually we did two.
- Happy
- Sad (but only when someone died)
The conveyance was clear that we were a happy family, and no other feeling was permitted. This of course was a cover up for the abuse that was happening behind closed doors. As an adult, I now understand the pretense required to keep the happy-wheel moving for the purpose of looking good to neighbors and fellow church goers. But for a kid, it was all pretty confusing. And consequently, I entered adulthood without the knowledge that there were other emotions, let alone know how to identify them.
Again, therapy helped a great deal with this one. Hint: If you haven't seen an Emotion Wheel, check it out! It's a great cheat sheet until you get the hang of it.
Alas, even today with all of the learning and practice I've done, I still get stumped by an emotion from time to time. Nowadays, instead of looking at the Emotion Wheel, I ask my Spirit Guides. Literally. Let's take this morning for an example. I'm feeling yucky and I come to the conclusion:
This can't be good.
I absolutely don't want to go through the rest of my day like this so I clear and ground my energy and center myself so I can hear my Guides better and ask, "What is this emotion called?" This technique is a brilliant idea that I only figured out last year. Try it. They will tell you. The answer I got this morning was, "Despair."
Hmm, well, that can't be good.
And so off I go in conversation with my Guides to figure out why I'm feeling despair. Turns out there is a good reason. I am going through a huge transition right now. (Spoiler alert!) All of humanity is going through a huge transition right now.) I'm letting go of parts of my past-self. The old self that - though it didn't like the cesspool - it knew the cesspool well. "Better the devil you know," as the saying goes. I have been recently releasing some more of that unhealthy patterning. Saying goodbye to the familiar pain is part of that process. And so is mourning the loss of the cesspool. In my case, today that feels like despair.
Next step? I sit with the discomfort of the despair. Yep, sounds crazy doesn't it? Totally counterintuitive. But it's the only way I know how to truly heal. And there is one more step that is even more difficult - true healing only comes as I make friends with the despair. To honor the genuine feelings of going through a human experience. On the other side of this healing, that's where the peace lies.
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Susan Fullmer is a conscious channel, shamanic practitioner, energy healer, energy reader (psychic), teacher, mentor, group facilitator, nurse, and licensed massage therapist. She has been in private practice since 1990 with her business, Intuitive Explorations with Susan Fullmer. She draws from decades of study and practice in the healing arts including 35 years of nursing (both medical and mental health) and massage therapy (with extensive study in energy medicine).
Susan has a plethora of experience in group facilitation, public speaking, mentorship, and teaching classes and workshops. In 2019 she graduated from Boise State University with a Bachelor of Arts degree in Multidisciplinary Studies with certificates in Leadership and Human Relations, and Dispute Resolution.
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