Fretting over the dark side

I've fretted over the dark side for as long as I can remember.  Or, what I and others sometimes call the "shadow side" of ourselves.  I've progressed from "sin" to "just a normal part of us" a long time ago.  But I've been stuck there ever since.

Energetically, I can feel that there is a dark side to us which feels somehow natural to me.  I can't explain it really, but I just know that it is.  I also know that we must learn about it and - horror of horrors - we must embrace it.  Oh, but how?  Sure, it's easy to say, "To be healthy and balanced we must know our dark side".  Again, I can feel the truth of it...but how to tape into that mystery is...well, a fuckin mystery.

So, tonight I did it.  I took the bull by the horns and said, "enough already!"  Either I do this thing or I am eternally stuck in the non-embracement of the yin side of my swirl.  Talk about eternal damnation.    Or the lack thereof?  Oh, the confusion that reigns!

Weak in the knees from fright, I asked my guides to show me my shadow side and teach me how to embrace it.  With much stalling on my part, the journey began.  Now, to my credit, I have good reason for my trepidation.  I have worked with many dark energies and entities while healing myself of others.  It aint pretty folks.  So why would someone voluntarily go there?  My point exactly!  But I was feeling frustrated because everything I felt and learned said to "EMBRACE".  What's a girl to do, I ask you?

All these thoughts and more kept racing through my fear-laced brain as I approached the blackness within me, to which they were showing me to go.  Oh, the madness of it all!  But I knew it was now or never so I pressed forward and slipped into the inky mist, holding my breath and pinching my eyes shut - as if any of this would help me.  To my great surprise, it was nothing like the dark energies I had worked with before.  Nothing.  In fact, it was as benign an energy as I had ever felt.  So, totally, nothing.  How was that possible?  I asked them to explain.

They then asked me to go to the light side of myself.  So, off I went thinking heavenly chorus and hallelujahs.  Again, nothing.  The white was as neutral as the black.  WTF?  Again, I asked them to explain.

They then showed me in ways that I cannot adequately verbalize, that it was my emotion to the black/white that changed it to something other than neutral.  Hence, I had complete control over whether it was frightening, joyful, terrorizing... (inset a reaction here).  Yes, totally in my control.  The shadow indeed was not bad or good.  It simply was.  So, my experience now matches what I had learned before, but sadly, I still don't know what that all means.  Except to say that in the future, when I am afraid, I will know that it's all about my choice, not some kind of inherent characteristic of the energy.

In conclusion, I'm going to leave you hanging.  Simply because I am still hanging.  More to come, I hope.  More to mull over, I am sure.