Where the hell did I go?

Between a bad job and a bad relationship in recent years, I have found myself crushed and lost.  Really lost.  No, you don't understand me.  I couldn't find myself at all.  Entirely my fault mind you.  No one can do to us what we don't allow.  And boy howdy, do I have a long history of giving myself away in relationships.  Old patterns stemming from abuse and neglect that left me confused and hollow, desperate to fill the void that was me.  So I get it, and I claim responsibility.  I endeavor not to hang my head in shame and defeat because that behavior is just as useless and destructive.

So what to do?  I don't tend to stay in defeat, though I know it well as I seem to find myself there all too often.  But I'm nothing if not a survivor.  So step by step I inch my way back to myself.  Where the hell did I go?

Recently some of my healer friends and I were helping another friend with a tear rendering problem.  An old ex-boyfriend she just couldn't seem to let go.  She knew she was done with the relationship and she knew that it was toxic for her to return again...and again.  And yet she kept thinking of him and had to force herself not to call.  If, in one weakened moment, she ever reached out to him, the dance would start anew until she would get up the courage to end it again.  Sound familiar?  I know it well.

I told her a Shaman would call that, "Soul Loss".  Sometimes...too often...we give pieces and parts of ourselves to a partner, that in a healthier state we would keep for ourselves.  Even if the partnership ends, we don't always give back or collect those pieces.  This can leave us feeling drained, lost, and constantly thinking of the other person.  The remedy?  Get your parts back.  And give back any that you may still be holding that belongs to the other.  It's only fair.  And trust me, you will never truly feel well while you still have them.  That is not the way our body's energy is designed to function.

So, we helped her do the energetic exchange, she a willing participant - him, not so much.  But when it comes to getting your soul pieces back, they have no say in the matter.  You may need to find a strong healer or Shaman to do the job, stronger than the hoarder.  But it's completely doable.

As I was doing the dishes last night, my first thought was, "Wow, her experience reminds me so much of my own."  Second thought, "Could that be what's going on with me?"  Third thought, "Duh!"  It's not like I hadn't been working on this before.  But when it comes to healing I have found that it is often done in layers, as we are ready.  So I turned to my revered Spirit Helpers last night and long story short, they got the job done.  Recovered, were two critical pieces I have now welcomed home.  Essential parts from my chakras two and four:  Labido and the ability to give and receive love.