This is from a recent weekend class. Wow, one of my all time favorites.
I think everyone on the planet should take a class like this.
Then where would we be?
DISPUT 594 - Self-Awareness in Conflict
Susan Fullmer
5 May, 2019
My Contribution to World Peace
When I first learned the Three-Part Assertion Skill, I was a mental health nurse working for the Portland VA in their Mental Health Intensive Case Management Program (MHICM). At the time, I was a nurse case manager with a full caseload of Veterans with chronic, persistent, and severe mental illness. I had never had great boundaries when it came to standing up for myself and asking (let alone insisting) that others respect me. I chalk this up to sexual abuse in my childhood from my father, grandfather, and others. I had come a long way in healing and starting to develop better boundaries with good therapy and time. But then, in this job, I found that I was very triggered when dealing with this mostly male population who were frequently socially inappropriate and constantly pushing boundaries. I felt overwhelmed and off balance. Looking back, I believe that the heart of this dilemma was my poor communication skills, which also stemmed from my childhood.
In the book, People Skills, Robert Bolton states that poor communication has heavy consequences which can include loneliness, emotional distance and overall personal ineffectiveness. This was certainly the case for me in my life and in this job. During the ten years I worked for MHICM, I not only learned to communicate better, I developed much clearer boundaries for myself. And in turn, I was able to teach my clients how to create and maintain their own healthy boundaries.
Robert Bolton talks about Assertive Communication which contains three parts. First, start with a nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed. Next, disclosure of the asserter’s feelings. I was taught that, “I feel” statements cannot be truly refudiated because I am the expert on how I feel. It also helps to keep judgement out of the statement as it isn’t accusatory, but rather simply stating how I feel. Lastly, give a clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the asserter. The format would look like this. “When you (state the behavior non judgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because (clarify the effect on your life).” Bolton reminds us to make the message factual and not to infer anything about the other person’s motives, feelings, intentions or personality.
When I first learned this, I didn’t think I could do it. Saying the words felt very strange and awkward to me. I thought it would sound silly and manipulating. But I gave it a try because the therapists I worked with strongly recommended it. It was hard at first but over time it felt more and more comfortable. And the best part, it works! I even use it in my personal life. In fact, I use it now with hardly even thinking about what I’m saying. It feels not only natural, but honest and clear. I have learned to speak clearly, asking for what I want.
Robert Bolton also talks about expecting a Push-Back response when using this skill. And I have found that to be true as well. Not everyone wants to respect a healthy boundary, and frankly, that’s to be expected. Otherwise there probably wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. People can feel defensive and I find that some people just don’t like to be pinned down to good behavior. Bolton recommends that we prepare for a Push-Back by thinking ahead of time what we might want to say, give the three-part assertive message (as stated above) and then - silence. I think this is a very important step because I have found it’s helpful to let the other person think about what has been said and then respond. We shouldn’t be too quick to speak and interrupt that process. Then we can use reflective listening skills to help clarify what the other person has said and help them feel heard. And then Bolton advises repeating those steps as often as necessary and to focus on the solution. He believes that persistence is a crucial aspect of assertion.
Learning about this technique in class was a good reminder of a skill I hadn’t thought of in a while. I also had a good “ah-ha” moment. When we used this skill with our mental health clients, we added on a fourth step and that was to state the desired outcome. When I mentioned this in class the professor stated that most people don’t need that step as they already understand what is needed. I realized that we probably needed to include the desired outcome in MHICM because our clients weren’t usually functional enough to come to that conclusion. Sometimes they needed it spelled out for them. But I’m not dealing with mental health clients now and I do trust most people will know what they need to do. However, I will keep that fourth step in my back pocket for emergencies if needed.
I also enjoyed learning about the Assertive Skill, Immediacy. It focuses on being direct and open with someone with whom you are communicating regarding a situation in the here and now. It will include how the communicator is feeling about the immediate situation. This technique is helpful in moving through difficult experiences and resolving conflict. It can be difficult to confront a situation honestly. Especially when there is a lack of trust or a sense of distance, but this is the best time to use this skill. This would have been impossible for me when I was younger. I had no voice or confidence. Any kind of tension or conflict sent me fleeing. But over the years I have built more confidence and I have learned the power of honesty in the moment. If done in a kind, yet clear way this can be very effective. To me, it’s about drawing attention to what is actually going on instead of pretending the proverbial elephant isn’t sitting in the middle of the living room. I have also found that if things are not addressed early on, the situation festers and just gets worse. There also seems to be a feeling of relief in the group when someone is willing to state the obvious. I intend to continue to practice this skill of Immediacy and use it often.
I am grateful to have learned about communication and conflict management skills. And I especially appreciate being able to look at my own triggers when it comes to dispute resolution. I like what William Ury said in his book, Getting to Yes with Yourself.” He speaks about the biggest obstacle to having satisfying relationships and successful agreements is ourselves and our natural tendency to react in ways that do not serve our true interests. Ury states, “Now I have come to realize that I was the one who was perhaps unrealistic in believing that we could arrive at a sustained peace in this world without also doing the necessary work within ourselves.”
I appreciate classes such as, “Self-Awareness in Conflict” and how it helps me understand myself and learn how to better interact with others. I have long felt that the world cannot experience any deeper peace than I myself feel. Therefore, my greatest contribution to world peace is to explore and know my own inner peace.
In the book, People Skills, Robert Bolton states that poor communication has heavy consequences which can include loneliness, emotional distance and overall personal ineffectiveness. This was certainly the case for me in my life and in this job. During the ten years I worked for MHICM, I not only learned to communicate better, I developed much clearer boundaries for myself. And in turn, I was able to teach my clients how to create and maintain their own healthy boundaries.
Robert Bolton talks about Assertive Communication which contains three parts. First, start with a nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed. Next, disclosure of the asserter’s feelings. I was taught that, “I feel” statements cannot be truly refudiated because I am the expert on how I feel. It also helps to keep judgement out of the statement as it isn’t accusatory, but rather simply stating how I feel. Lastly, give a clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the asserter. The format would look like this. “When you (state the behavior non judgmentally), I feel (disclose your feelings) because (clarify the effect on your life).” Bolton reminds us to make the message factual and not to infer anything about the other person’s motives, feelings, intentions or personality.
When I first learned this, I didn’t think I could do it. Saying the words felt very strange and awkward to me. I thought it would sound silly and manipulating. But I gave it a try because the therapists I worked with strongly recommended it. It was hard at first but over time it felt more and more comfortable. And the best part, it works! I even use it in my personal life. In fact, I use it now with hardly even thinking about what I’m saying. It feels not only natural, but honest and clear. I have learned to speak clearly, asking for what I want.
Robert Bolton also talks about expecting a Push-Back response when using this skill. And I have found that to be true as well. Not everyone wants to respect a healthy boundary, and frankly, that’s to be expected. Otherwise there probably wouldn’t be a problem in the first place. People can feel defensive and I find that some people just don’t like to be pinned down to good behavior. Bolton recommends that we prepare for a Push-Back by thinking ahead of time what we might want to say, give the three-part assertive message (as stated above) and then - silence. I think this is a very important step because I have found it’s helpful to let the other person think about what has been said and then respond. We shouldn’t be too quick to speak and interrupt that process. Then we can use reflective listening skills to help clarify what the other person has said and help them feel heard. And then Bolton advises repeating those steps as often as necessary and to focus on the solution. He believes that persistence is a crucial aspect of assertion.
Learning about this technique in class was a good reminder of a skill I hadn’t thought of in a while. I also had a good “ah-ha” moment. When we used this skill with our mental health clients, we added on a fourth step and that was to state the desired outcome. When I mentioned this in class the professor stated that most people don’t need that step as they already understand what is needed. I realized that we probably needed to include the desired outcome in MHICM because our clients weren’t usually functional enough to come to that conclusion. Sometimes they needed it spelled out for them. But I’m not dealing with mental health clients now and I do trust most people will know what they need to do. However, I will keep that fourth step in my back pocket for emergencies if needed.
I also enjoyed learning about the Assertive Skill, Immediacy. It focuses on being direct and open with someone with whom you are communicating regarding a situation in the here and now. It will include how the communicator is feeling about the immediate situation. This technique is helpful in moving through difficult experiences and resolving conflict. It can be difficult to confront a situation honestly. Especially when there is a lack of trust or a sense of distance, but this is the best time to use this skill. This would have been impossible for me when I was younger. I had no voice or confidence. Any kind of tension or conflict sent me fleeing. But over the years I have built more confidence and I have learned the power of honesty in the moment. If done in a kind, yet clear way this can be very effective. To me, it’s about drawing attention to what is actually going on instead of pretending the proverbial elephant isn’t sitting in the middle of the living room. I have also found that if things are not addressed early on, the situation festers and just gets worse. There also seems to be a feeling of relief in the group when someone is willing to state the obvious. I intend to continue to practice this skill of Immediacy and use it often.
I am grateful to have learned about communication and conflict management skills. And I especially appreciate being able to look at my own triggers when it comes to dispute resolution. I like what William Ury said in his book, Getting to Yes with Yourself.” He speaks about the biggest obstacle to having satisfying relationships and successful agreements is ourselves and our natural tendency to react in ways that do not serve our true interests. Ury states, “Now I have come to realize that I was the one who was perhaps unrealistic in believing that we could arrive at a sustained peace in this world without also doing the necessary work within ourselves.”
I appreciate classes such as, “Self-Awareness in Conflict” and how it helps me understand myself and learn how to better interact with others. I have long felt that the world cannot experience any deeper peace than I myself feel. Therefore, my greatest contribution to world peace is to explore and know my own inner peace.
Works Cited
Bolton, Robert. People Skills. Prentice-Hall, 1986.
Ury, William. Getting to Yes with Yourself: (and Other Worthy Opponents).
HarperOne, An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, 2015.
HarperOne, An Imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers, 2015.
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