Fussed Quietly

I went again to the addict’s support group tonight.  My second time there and it was a whole new set of faces.  All very nice and insightful.  I had a fairly calm day but started to feel the anxiety rise in the afternoon.  An anticipated response to going to the group?  I have no idea.  Sometimes I can figure out where my emotions are coming from.  And sometimes I just can’t.

During the group, we did a 17 minute meditation.  It was so unpleasant to quiety sit with my anxiety for that long.  It eased a bit by the end, but never completely went away and never got comfortable.  Yet, if truth be told, it felt like the right thing for me to do.  Right place, right people, right reason.  Yet, never comfortable.   

Oddly enough, I didn’t speak to anyone.  And I didn’t share during the meeting nor did I talk to anyone afterwards.  These are typically not difficult things for me to do.  And my old co-dependency ways of taking care of everyone but me, would have had me talking, even though I really didn’t want to.  So, yeah for me.  I was atypically silent.  I fussed quietly in my own anxiety and cried as I walked to my car.  Don’t ask me why.  I don’t know.

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Sandy's Response:

17 minutes is a long time to meditate in a room full of strangers. How do you feel about the structure of the meeting? My favorite kind of meetings are those that stick as close to the original concepts of the 12 steps as possible. Do you think they do this, or is there a lot of veering off?

Some core things in a meeting are: a welcoming, a reading and a sharing opportunity, if you so choose. Also, there is little to no hierarchy. The person chairing is doing just that, nothing more. The term “Leading” a meeting is frowned upon.

It’s okay to be uncomfortable in a meeting, but I want to make sure your discomfort isn’t because of something to do with the format, or the way it is run. If it’s not, then you can focus on what is making you uncomfortable internally.

I hardly talked to anyone after the religious 12 step meetings I attended, for the first six months of working the program. Like you, I usually am trying to make everyone else around me okay. But, I wasn’t okay and needed the time and space to work through my pain. The meetings are anonymous for a variety of reasons and one of them is so that you can share as much or as little as is best for you.

May I suggest, part of your anxiety you were feeling is the energy of the other people in the room. Even though you were not “taking care” of everyone, your perception was still in play. There is a lot of pain there and it resonates with your own. Hence, fellowship. It is both a blessing and a little bit of a curse.

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Susan's Response:

Good questions.  I have meditated in groups of people I don’t know and that isn’t typically something that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think the real discomfort was me not being able to distract myself from my anxious feelings.  I guess I don't know enough about the 12 steps to say if this group follows it closely or not.  What I did like about the structure is that it is very clear and consistent.  The facilitator is whomever wants to be it that day and reads from a written agenda that does not vary.  This consistency is reassuring to me.  And the words were well written and supportive.  I didn’t disagree or feel uncomfortable with anything I heard read.  They definitely have no hierarchy as stated clearly in the reading which works for me.  As you know, I don’t do hierarchy.  You can be a janitor or a CEO and I will treat you the same, and see you the same.  The variation on how I will look at you is how you do your job, and are you kind and honest.  

With that said, there was one thing that I was uncomfortable about.  It stated clearing in the reading that we were not to comment on what other people said.  Yet, there was one young man who did just that.  I have facilitated many therapeutic groups and this rule, I have found, is paramount in creating a safe feeling within a group.  People don’t tend to share completely or don’t talk at all, if they know that others are allowed to comment, critique, and generally tell you how to do your life better.  So I was a bit horrified that this was not stopped and allowed to continue throughout the meeting.  This young man followed up with his comments/suggestions after most of the shares.  I think this was part of why I didn’t want to speak.  I felt too vulnerable to be judged and told how to fix it.  There was another man there who organizes these meetings. l liked his energy and his share - very insightful.  Though he didn’t help facilitate the meeting he seemed like he was the one who should have stopped this behavior as soon as it happened the first time.  Because the reader of the agenda is not trained in group facilitation, I would hope someone in the room would be and could step in if needed.  Maybe he spoke to the young man afterwards to remind him of this important rule.  I don’t know.  I’ll have to wait and see if this continues.  I certainly won’t feel safe if it does.   

Aha moment!  From one empath to another! I forget that all I feel is not my own.  Thank you for reminding me of that!  I will watch for that in the future with this group.  I have created a life for myself where I am mostly in safe places with people who don’t have a lot of drama or pain.  But of course, that room was teaming with both.  I’ll set up better energetic protections before the group meetings so what I feel is my own, and let the others deal with what is theirs.  Thanks again Sandy for the reminder.