Not the right kind of addict

My biggest fear was that they were going to tell me to leave because I’m not the right kind of addict.  My second biggest fear is that they were going to tell me to leave because I’m not a buddhist.  Neither happened.  

An important part of working the 12 steps, as I understand it, is to go to AA meetings and listen to and perhaps even speak about one’s journey of sobriety.  Last time I checked, there was no AA groups for “scarcity addicts”.  With disappointment and relief, I realized that Iam too specialized to fit into any kind of group.  Thankfully, I got off my high horse and acknowledged that that was “stinkin-thinkin”, as they say in AA.  A lie to keep me in my addiction.  Finding a compatible group was as easy as telling a friend who had the answer.  Not only did she tell me about a group that is open to “all types of addictive behavior”, it also uses some of the Buddhist principles and includes a meditation.  Score.  

I’ve been dabbling with meditation off and on for some years now.  Mostly off.  But this year I have made a greater effort.  What a difference it makes in my day when I actually do it.  Even if it feels like I don’t do it very well, I can’t argue the fact that my day goes smoother.  My anxiety is decreased and my ability to stay in the moment is enhanced.  I don’t know why, it just happens.  So any chance I can get to meditate with like-minded souls has got to be good for me.  

It took me a couple of weeks to get up the courage to go, but I finally made it tonight.  It was a small eclectic group, and as I mentioned above, they didn’t give me the boot.  In fact, they were down right unobtrusive, kind and welcoming.  Go figure.  

As I listened to them share I noticed that several kinds of addictive behaviors were mentioned:  Alcoholic, workaholic, codependency, sex/love addict.  I was in good company and I felt like I belonged there.  I even shared and had the courage to say that I am addicted to scarcity and foods that I am allergic to eating.  They didn’t bat an eye.  

I was doing pretty good until when one women said that she had been sober for eight months.  The thought struck me, “Oh, right, you're supposed to be abstinent from something.”  I know that’s a “Duh moment", but that’s the first thought I had.  The next consecutive thought was, “Then, does that mean I’m supposed to be abstinent from something?”  My only defence here, is that I’m new at this.  That and I’m still not wanting to change behaviors, and thus I’m in denial.  As I sat there, I calculated how long I had been “clean and sober” from toxic foods - two hours and twenty minutes.  

I left the meeting feeling pretty shaken.  I walked around the neighborhood trying to breath evenly and collect my thoughts.  Shit, this is getting real.  Does this mean I have to consistently change my behavior?  I decided to ask my Guides.  

Susan:  If I’m going to actually do this abstinence thing, how many toxic foods do I really have to cut out?  

Guides:  How well do you want to feel?

Susan:  Point taken.  Shit.

I continued to circle the block.  I could feel the energy of this thing moving.  If I were to really cut out the toxic foods in my life, it would change everything.  I could feel the possibility of it move and expand.  But here’s the thing, I could feel deep down that I am finally ready to do this thing.  I’m not talking, “calm ready” but rather “shaking in my boots ready”.  Maybe how I would feel just before taking a dive off a high bridge with a bungee cord tied around my ankles.  

Tomorrow marks Day #1.  

______________________________

Sandy's Response:

Wowee! What a post. Wish I could have gone with you and will now look to see if there is something similar in my area. Yes, having a fellowship and attending meetings is a vital part of 12 step work.

I’m getting ahead of myself in the steps, but you are raring to go, so I’ll drop in a paragraph about step 4. You’re ready to begin pondering on this, while we talk and explore the first three steps.

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. (pg. 63, 64 AA Big Book)

I’ll change up that last sentence a little, “Toxic foods are but a symptom. Let’s get down to causes and conditions.”

Step four is inventorying, but for now until we get to the specifics of that, be mindful of how toxic food and other addictions are masking and numbing what is really going on.

Not getting the food isn’t the difficult thing, it’s not numbing what you (and I) want to avoid.

Day #1 is a good day. It’s when you get to surrender the fear and let God/Spirit walk you through. I’m excited to hear how it goes. :)

______________________________

Susan’s Response:

I burst out crying when I read that last line.  I think I have been underrating the importance of Day #1.  It jolts me in a deep and profound way.  Now I know why.