Friday, November 17, 2017

Sick Race

I feel like I won some kind of sick race yesterday.  I was anxious most of the time.  I think the people at work would be surprised to hear that.  I present a constant calm demeanor.  What I do instead is be an ultra efficient worker.  If you could see my insides, you’d see a tightly twisted knot.  I work as an administrative assistant with tons of projects into which I pour my anxious energy.  It’s a definite win for my employers.  (It’s a campus job which gives me great benefits - including cheap classes - and quick access to classes/library/etc)  With a steady determination, I am working on more relaxation and body movement during the day which helps decrease the stress.  I have slowly gotten better at getting away from my desk and taking small breaks.  Sometimes, I even do some yoga stretches at my desk (seated).  The effort and intention is there - the outcome is meager tending toward slow improvement.

I had been riding a sweet wave of general calm (for the most part) since starting my sobriety nine days ago.  My old friend Anxious returned a couple of days ago - well, when I went to the addiction group.  Correlation?  You tell me.  At any rate, yesterday was a slow building wave away from calm.  It’s hard for me to describe what it feels like.  Mostly, I try to avoid feeling it all together because it is so unpleasant.  There is no peace to be found there.  It’s scratchy, and physically painful, and in it’s more intense times it feels like I’m coming out of my skin.  And at it’s worse times, it feels like impending death.  It makes no sense whatsoever.  It is a state of nonsense.  The only thing that seems to make sense is to stop it at any costs.  And for me, that’s food.  It’s the weirdest thing.  Later, if I analyze it, I would have to be honest and say that eating toxic food doesn’t fix anything and has only made things worse - much worse.  But in the moment, it feels like bliss.  All the scratchy pain is abated for a brief moment and it all seems so very worth it.  And that, in a nutshell, is what keeps me in my addictive cycle.

For some reason this silly Day Count has been my life preserver.  Layers perhaps - of not wanting to tell Sandy (or blog) that I had to start over back to day one again, sheer determination knowing what the alternative looks like, and just plain not wanting to mess up my calendar with a lot of scratch offs - have kept me sober.  It makes no sense, but it has gotten me to day nine so how can I argue logic?  

Driving home after work is the worst.  Once I’m home I won’t go back out again to get harmful foods (I don’t have any at home - or I would eat them).  And at work I’m too busy being uber productive (I take good food to work so I’m set there).  Ah, but the ride home is a potential minefield.  I laugh at the way my brain/ego works.  As I’m driving, all of a sudden, I get this crazy craving for fast food french fries.  Do I like fast food french fries?  No!  I almost never eat fast food.  Though I grew up on the stuff and ate it for most of my life, I have spent about the past decade or so really changing my eating patterns for the better.  What you see here is the tail end of a long journey.  It’s one reason I know what I am allergic to.  I have had many good health practitioners along the way teach me and heal me.  This addiction piece is the next step of this journey of mine to a healthy lifestyle.  

But back to the fries.  Technically, I can eat potatoes.  It’s so funny that my brain/ego comes up with the least healthy thing that would surely leave me with a greasy gut bomb, but would not require me to have to restart my day count (which it knows I’m not going to do!).  What a negotiating wizard is my brain/ego!  I have to give it points for that.  Somehow, I got past the fast food danger zone and made it home where I ate my apples slices and almond butter while watching my Korean drama.  It was good and I felt content.

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Sandy's Response:

Having this communication and reading your experiences are helping me out immensely. The daily reprieve is what it’s about, for we just do today, and sometimes just this moment. Like when you’re driving home and you can feel the unrest, you acknowledged it and realized what was happening. This is always the right time to ask your higher power for strength to make a good choice and to feel at peace. Simple, but it also takes awareness and buckets of humility and trust. Your success is joyful to watch! :)
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Susan’s Response:

Yikes!  Why do I always forget to ask for help from my etheric helpers.  They are there waiting and willing at all times.  They will not intercede without an invitation from me because they are respectful to my wishes and consent.  I’m going to post a big sign in my car to help get me through the fast food gauntlet - “SUSAN, HAVE YOU ASKED FOR HELP YET?”

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