Thursday, October 19, 2017

It's called Scarcity

Ok, here’s how it started.  I was in the grocery store last Friday night.  It had been a long week and I was tired and ready for a weekend break.  Not having any food in the house, and knowing I wouldn’t want to go back out after I got home, I stopped at the store.  It was the proverbial nightmare of having several bags of groceries all rung up and going to pay for the whole thing and, horror-of-horrors, “insufficient funds”.  What?  I thought I had about $300 in the bank!  How could I have miscalculated so badly?  Back in the day I could see this happening, but not now.  I keep a fairly close look at my money.  I even have a budget, which if truth be told I don’t stick to as well as I should.  But I know where every penny of my misspent money has gone.  I really have come a long way in my financial life - if we are talking about healing and insight.  But not if we are talking about actual wealth.  I’m still stuck at zero.  The energy of my financial life, I have looked at and explored every which way you could imagine.  For example, I figured out some years ago that I have been running on the believe that I can’t have money unless I have a man in my life (comes from my upbringing).  Now, if you were to ask me if I believe that, I would laugh in your face.  But somewhere deep inside of me, I have that energy pattern which in the end, runs the show.


Back to my melt down Friday night which promptly ensued when I arrived home from the grocery store.  Why am I still stuck in these old energy patterns?  I’m a healer for God’s sake!  I help other people release these patterns so they can run their lives from a clear energy flow.  Why can’t I do that for myself?  Even though I have come a long, long way in my own personal healing, I am still stuck at “zero” - meaning, staying at a zero balance.  I pay the bills, don’t starve, and I’m not homeless but I also don’t have any extra - ever.  


We don’t compartmentalize.  If we do something in one aspect of our lives, we will find that pattern across the board.  And so it is true with me.  I hover low and undetected in finances, career, love life, health and on and on.  No serious crash-and-burns, but no noticeable lift-offs either.  In my sniveling haze Friday night, the only clarity I could get was the impression, “Get a reading."  

Not to my surprise, when I got the energy reading, it was spot on.  It's so very difficult to hear if you are wanting to avoid your shit.  But Friday night was a tipping point for me.  I could feel it.  Why can’t I move past this point?  It’s not from lack of trying.  Anyone close to me can tell you that.  It’s nearly a daily practice of mine to look at what I am doing and why.  Healing truly is a passion of mine and I start that focus with me.  So why?  What is the brick wall that I have crashed into my entire life?  Well, she nailed it.  I’m an addict.  


It’s so easy for me to avoid that ugly word because I don’t fit into the common definition of that word such as “alcoholic” or “drug abuser”.  Though I haven’t been in the religion for nearly 30 years, I began this incarnation as a Mormon.  (Not my only lifetime as a Mormon, by the way)  The good news is I never got into abusing myself with substances such as alcohol or drugs - or even coffee.  The bad news is that I got into abusing myself with substances such as food.  As the reading revealed, my body weight has been my security blanket to keep me in a specific mode of trauma and drama.  Though it’s a shitty place to be, I don’t want to let go of that “comfort”.  And what is that comfort?  It’s called scarcity.  I’m too afraid to touch the silver platter.  What if I do touch it and it doesn’t work?  I would be berated and told that I should never have tried.  It’s better to just leave it alone.  


The reader said that I’m about to make a choice to embrace the scary feeling of going where I have never gone before.  What would that feel like?  Well, it would be limitless.  That my friends, is the scariest feeling of all.  If I stay away from all of that abundance, I wouldn’t be disappointed and I wouldn’t be at risk.  As any addict knows, if you push those boundaries of fear, the anxiety becomes so intense it literally feels like you are going to die.  It is a terror beyond words, and off to the “drug of choice” we go to sooth and forget the thought of leaving the comfort - no matter how shitty that “comfort” is.  And all the while we are dying.  Addiction of any kind is a killer to the physical, the emotional, the spiritual.


During the reading, the thought kept coming to me to do the 12 Steps (Alcoholics Anonymous) and ask my sister Sandy to be my sponsor.  Being a mental health nurse, I have a good general knowledge of the 12 Step program.  I have even attended some meetings in support of others.  But I have never worked the program myself.  Nor would it have occurred to me to do so. Again, I had never thought of myself as adict material since I rarely drink and don’t do drugs.  But I believe in the power of this program.  I know it has helped countless people since its beginnings in the 1930s. It feels right and I know that I am at a point in my life that I can’t get past this wall on my own.  Believe me, I’ve tried.  There seems no point to life if it just looks like this.  There must be movement and I finally feel it at the trailhead of this journey.  Am I afraid of this path?  Words cannot describe the fear I feel.  But I do not see, nor do I feel there is any other way.  


About my sister.  I write about her with her permission.  She too is an atypical addict.  I don’t believe she has ever even had a drink of alcohol or taken any kind of non perscription drug.  She states that her addition is to fear.  Several years ago, she was helping a friend of hers that is an alcoholic.  Though he was in his 20s, he had been drinking a long time and was physically ill because of it.  I believe she helped to save his life.  He is in law school now and has been sober for a couple of years.  He worked the 12 Steps and she supported him through it.  This was her introduction to the program.  Somewhere along the way, she realized that she too needed the program for her own life.  She would say that it has been a life changing experience for her.  And so, I have asked her if she will be my sponsor and she has said yes.  It’s a huge responsibility and I’m so touched and humbled that she would walk with me on this journey.  And horror of horrors, I have decided to blog about it.  I don’t know why exactly.  Maybe accountability.  Maybe insanity.  I just know that I feel guided to do so.  I could see this morphing into a very boring blog about my repetitive addictive behaviors.  So be it.  My journey begins.  


1 comment:

  1. Beautiful and thank you for sharing and being open and vulnerable. I know this process will take you to where you want to go. Namaste

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