My morning goal was to not eat any gluten today at the bosses-day lunch. We had Mexican. I ate a little rice but no gluten. Feeling good about that. Driving home I wanted sugar badly. It felt like anxiety and addictive type behavior all the way. Honestly, the only thing that got me to not stop and buy sugar was the thought of having to write about it and to tell Sandy. Otherwise, I would have stopped. It was still hard, but I got home without stopping. If I get home I’m fine. I won’t go back out for sugar. Wow, just writing that really stuns me. It really is addictive behavior. It makes it real when you write it down and tell another. Or the whole world... Geesh, what was I thinking, writing a blog about this!
Got back and took a nap. I’ve had a headache for nearly a month. My pillow had gotten old and flattened. I finally bought a new pillow last week, but I still have the headache, which in part got me to the reading with Maria - which started this whole AA thing. I realized, it’s not the physical. It’s the energy. And I knew without even having to tune in, that energetically, a stiff neck is about not seeing your options. Too much fear to turn your head and see what’s there. As I woke from the nap I could feel some energy that needed to go. For me, the waking state is the best place to be, to be able to detect energy flow that is off within myself. I am most out of my judgment at that time and so I can see/feel clearer. In fact, this energy felt like an entity. I have learned from past experiences to detect a certain vibration within myself that indicates an entity. Those buggers can be hard to get rid of. I called in all my allies, protectors and healers. When I don’t feel well it’s harder for me to detect what is going on. I have found when healing my behaviors in the past, that it is often associated with an entity of some kind. So this doesn’t surprise me in the least. It does piss me off. How much more healing do I need to do? I have come so, so far and healed so much. Yet, there is more. I can’t deny that my life is so much better than it used to be. All that healing was not wasted time. I am usually at peace. But now the next frontier is fear, scarcity and lack. Ok, onward I go. The alternative of doing nothing and remaining the way I am - I can’t even fathom it. There would be no point.
__________________________________________________
Sandy's Response
Your strength today was allowing yourself to feel the anxiety, yet still do your chosen path for the day of no sugar, strengthens me. My day was on the run, so I didn’t choose as well as I’d like, though it was better than had I not had a mindful beginning to the day. Tomorrow, I will think of your drive home and remember anxiety is an opportunity to look at something, instead of numbing it with sugar/carbs. Addictive behavior is a scary phrase, but having you write about it and acknowledging it, helps me to face my own addictive behaviors. Naming it, is a huge part of healing.
Hope you are feeling better very soon. You’re very proactive in doing everything you can to be well. :)
A little AA quote about fear. “We ask [our higher power] to remove our fear and direct our attention to what [our higher power] would have us be.” (pg. 68) Asking to have fear removed, is a daily thing for most alcoholics. For me too. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment