Death Becomes Her

I also do intuitive readings from time to time.

Death Becomes Her

I am wearing my new rough-cut, light blue stone necklace, conveniently nestled over my throat chakra.  I help out a friend from time to time who sells rocks and crystals in a booth at various fairs throughout the summer, and he pays me in stone. It's a great gig and hence, my new necklace.  Unfortunately for him, I am a lousy rock merchant.  I know next to nothing about the product.  Oh, but I love the product and I can talk to the product.  And that my friend, is how I am helpful in my own unique way.  Don’t ask me what it’s called, but do ask me what, it is saying to you.  So, I wing it, and my human friend, and all his gem friends, and I have a grand old time.  And we help many people connect to their new stone-friends.  It makes for a lovely day of sitting in the middle of a booth full of rocks and crystals which clears and energizes my own auric field in a powerful, healing way.

I woke early this morning and in meditation, I touched my unknown-named/Fifth Chakra necklace and stated, “The thing I am not saying to myself is, _______”.  I work with my fifth chakra a great deal.  Speaking my truth, historically, has not come easily to me.  But I have worked very hard over the decades to find my voice and speak my truth to myself and others.  I was more than a bit surprised by what thought filled in the blank, “The thing I am not saying to myself is, I will die soon”.  Now, I’ve worked with Spirit enough to know that their definition of a word and my definition of a word, are not necessarily the same.  The word, “soon” for example, never seems to live up to my expectations.  So, I have learned to take terms in stride.  The word, “death” could mean the death of an old energy pattern, for example.  And believe me, sometimes as we release these patterns it can feel like one is dying (because a part of us is dying).  My message may not be about a physical death.  And then again, maybe it is.    

Long ago, I was taught that a shaman’s goal it to prepare for one’s own death.  It didn’t really sink in at the time, but over the decades I have sat with this idea many times.  I have also worked, as a nurse, with dying patients.  I have probably thought about this subject more than most.  I find many people adamantly avoid thinking about it, let alone talking about it.  But I have not avoided it.  And now, here I am, back at this particular subject again.  I don’t feel afraid, but I am more resistant to the idea of dying than I expected.  Which tells me I have work to do.  Philosophically, I don’t believe there is a reason to fear death.  But I do want to leave no stone unturned when examining any personal fears I may have.  Before leaving any relationship/job/home/etc, I always ask, “What is left undone here?”  And so, I ask that question now.  Because perhaps, I am in a time crunch.

When I truly sit with that question a few odds and ends come to mind such as insurance policies – no one but me knows where they are at the moment.  And I haven’t left a will of my belongings – so unfair to those left behind.  The “who-gets-what” process can get messy at worst, and annoying at best.  So, I have loose ends to deal with there.  But what else?

I have discovered in very recent weeks that I have enough.  There are certain things I have always wanted and have not achieved.  A long term, romantic relationship would be at the top of that very short list.  I have let that go.  I have all that I need to live a full and blessed life.  I truly do.  I am shedding the cultural concept of “success”.  I fall short, using that measuring stick – far short.  After a lifetime of experience and education, I am currently working as a secretary.  I was desperate to find a new career path and make a name for myself.  Fuck that.  I’m happy in my job.  I’m helpful and I like the people I see and work with every day.  What was it that I thought that I was missing?  I don’t have a lot of money.  I live on a tight budget.  But I don’t go hungry and I live in a beautiful, safe place.  If I’m honest with myself, I have enough.  And the no-relationship thing which I have lamented over since I was a preteen?  I’m happy doing what I want.  I have friends and family who love me.  In the grand scheme of things, I have enough.  I am content.   

Again, I ask myself, what is left undone?  Maybe, nothing.