First Assignment - Evening Meditation

It's kinda weird getting homework assignments from my little sister. She has agreed to be my sponsor while I work through my addition to scarcity and fear. We have agreed to talk on the phone once a week to update my goals and to talk about anything I need to talk about. And I will journal daily, share it with her, and she will respond. She is such a kind and wise soul that I already feel blessed to receive this generous gift from her. We have had many good and deep conversations. She has always supported and loved me. But homework assignments?? (hee hee - just kidding Sandy)

My first assignment was to read page 86 in the AA Big Book. I broke it down and wrote it out as a series of questions to be asked during the morning and eventing mediations. As Sandy said, this is geared towards alcoholics so some of this will apply to my addiction behaviors and some of it will not. That is one reason I am so glad to have her as my sponsor; she knows me and my issues and can help me focus the program on my needs. She is also freaken intuitive so I won't be able to get anything past her. Damn.

I'll get into more of this later, but so you know what I'm talking about I'll say now, that I'm being treated for Leaky Gut Syndrome. My diet should be void of gluten, dairy, sugar, grains, legumes. Pretty much, I'm eating meat, vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds. When I'm on it I feel good. When I'm not eating well I fell ill, I have acne, and I feel depressed. When I eat gluten I get all kinds of crazy symptoms like severe muscle and joint pain (to the point of almost not being able to walk), swelling especially in the hands and feet (to the point of balance problems), gut bloating, pain and constipation. Dairy congests my sinuses, gives me a soar throat and GI problems. Sugar lowers my immune symptom where I get sick easier and my A1C is creeping up. I feel so sick when I don't eat clean that you would think I would just eat clean! But no. Hence the 12 steps. I cannot do the things I need to do to be healthy and happy. Not by myself.

Some of these questions really don't apply to me but I decided to answer them the best I can and then Sandy and I can fine tune as we go. I don't want to be judgmental and dismiss something that seems irrelevant because it actually could be quite important. This is where Sandy will come in and help me see through my bullshit and avoidance. So here's my best attempt at answering these questions - and Sandy's responses below.

Evening Meditation

1. Constructively Review My Day (Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid?)  I don’t think I was any of these things.  Perhaps afraid a bit with food.  I ate very clean today and did have some gluten free noodles which is off the program, but I physically felt like I should have them.  A bit of fear connected with the usual scarcity feeling - but not to the level of anxiety.  It was overall a peaceful day.  

2. Do I owe an apology?  I actually didn’t see anyone today.  I had a very quiet peaceful day.  I just saw an email from mom that I didn’t answer yet and felt a little guilt about that.  But I think the guilt is unhealthy, not the not answering the email.  Still trying to figure out how to have a healthy relationship with mom.  But I don’t feel I owe an apology.  

3. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once?  No, I stay pretty clear on this one.  As soon as I realize I need to say it, I make every effort to do so.  Even if it scares me.

4. Was I kind and loving towards all?  I was kind and loving to myself.  Lot’s of self care today.  Did yoga and watched a couple of shows - Bridget Jones Diary marathon.  I’ve allowed myself to watch some Netflix in the last month or so.  I work hard to only watch shows that uplift my energy.  I had some good belly laughs today while watching Bridget and then burst out crying at one point at the realization that I am always laughing alone (I am mostly alone).  But for the most part I am content with my life, but it is a solitary life.  I find contentment because I don’t know what else to do to remedy this one.  I will continue to heal and love and be grateful for what I have.  And allow myself the occasional cry as needed.  

5. What could I have done better?  I went to take a walk today, but Spirit told me to go back in as the sky was very unhealthy.  Tons on chemtrails today because of the big air show in Boise.  A shower would have been nice, but I was too lazy.  Maybe that’s a good thing.  It is my day off after all.

6. Was I thinking of myself most of the time?  Hmmm, not sure about this one.  I was getting things done and doing things I enjoy.  Over all, I’m not sure about this question.  I’m going to have to ask Sandy.  I have spent my whole life doing for others. My bigger goal it to think more about myself.  What will my sponsor say about this?

7. Was I thinking of what I could do for others, or what I could pack into the stream of life?  See above.

8. Did I diminish my usefulness to others by drifting into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection? Not at all.

9. Ask God’s forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken.  I don’t feel like I have anything to ask forgiveness for.  I don’t think I like the wording of some of these questions.  It assumes the worse.  I don’t think I (rarely) do anything that requires forgiveness.  But this is my chance to find out.  I don’t just want to assume this.  I will have to sit in meditation about this and see what Spirit has to say.  Maybe Sandy and I can come up with better questions for me.  I’ll also ask Spirit what corrective measure can be taken.  Now, that is a useful question for me.
   
   

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Sandy's Response:

Hi Susan,

I just read your questions and I would like to reply. Remember that this is geared towards alcoholics. They have a very specific mindset to overcome and I think it is very good to gear the questions to how it most makes sense to you. Remember this was also written in the 30's so the language is more parochial. Words like "forgiveness" trigger me some too, so I try and think of other ways to approach the concepts in the inventory. We can go over them to fine tune it to what you want to explore daily.

Also, I too have had a life of being taught I was not to think of self, but to dedicate it to others. When working the program, the concepts of letting go of self sometimes confused me. This "putting aside of self" way of thinking is part of why I needed the 12 steps in the first place. I asked my sponsor, Dean about this and have kept a copy of my words and his reply. My words will be in blue and his in red. You can tell by what I wrote, I didn't even know how to ask the question, so I'm processing as I write.

I've been thinking a lot about something you said yesterday. "I have prayed so hard and I feel nothing but doing these next right things." Things have been a little unfocused lately and your words jolted me into realizing why. I've been staying busy and have been reaching out to others, trying to forget self, but in doing so, I may be missing a key factor. Me. How do you balance getting outside yourself and also doing what's best for yourself? I feel like I'm asking you a question that you're partly answering in that quote above, which is prayer. But, I wonder how much of a balancing act this if for you. I find great strength in seeing you pursue your dreams, because I believe they're God given and they will benefit others and be fulfilling to you. I also see that the road won't be easy, but you feel guided and you trust God will walk you through. Dean, I'm not sure exactly what I'm asking, but I think it's more to say, I'm grateful for your example and I'm committed to deepening my connection to God, so I can also "feel nothing, but doing these next right things." I pray for clarity.

Doing things for others and trying to be selfless is important, but don't neglect yourself. Find time to meditate (11th step) and enjoy your free and quiet moments. Take some time for yourself to find laughter or a smile. Movies and books are your good friends, so indulge with them and enjoy yourself. I think for you, you have spent so much time worrying about others, it's unnatural for you to take that free time and enjoy that me-time, but you should and you deserve it. It's when you get too involved in yourself that you aren't of service and that's when it's bad (he's writing this from personal experience), but you don't have that capacity. Have goals, desires, wants, and dreams, you may not achieve all of them, but it makes life fun and exciting to have those hopes and strive for them. I hope that helps.

I hope that's of help for you too, Susan. I believe you and I know when we get too self involved and it becomes unhealthy. When I was at my lowest, and in my own head too deeply, reaching out to others, even an email or doing laundry, was my only way of being able to pull myself out of my darkness. It works. I had to use it daily for a long time. My sadness overwhelmed me and I needed a way out, but this isn't yours or my natural state. You and I are very good at reaching out to others. Some people in AA don't know how to do this yet, hence the meditations and why it is mentioned so much in the book.

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Susan's Response:

Oh Sandy,

Thanks for your kind and insightful words. They really help.  And yes, let's do some rewrites next week on the questions.  Some are good, some don't apply and some I suspect I should be addressing but I don't think I need to - those are the ones I want your intuitive help on.  Don't let me pretend that I'm healthier than I am.  Don't let me skip over the work that I need to be doing.  Feeling any pressure by being my sponsor?  I hope not.  You are up for this task!  

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Sandy's Response:

I feel no pressure! Just excitement and a desire to be real with you and myself as well as abundantly compassionate. :)

I’ve been thinking about your question #9 above. The key to inventory is to find what is working and exam what isn’t. Forgiveness from God is not your concern at all, but forgiveness of self for not doing everything well is something to think about. This evening inventory is about being kind to the self and feeling like you can wrap up the day in a bow and say, it is finished and I have been mindfully living it. I’d change the question to. #9 Am I being compassionate to myself and does Spirit have some adjusting for me to consider for tomorrow? What do you think about this kind of question?