The Bone Collector Reversed

Still not sleeping much.  I finally did a reading.  I have several forms of divination that I like to use but one of my favorites is the oracle cards called The Enchanted Map by Colette Baron-Reid.  I so wanted this to be about someone or something else.  But as is so often the case, it has nothing to do with anything outside my own skin.  But then again, that means I have complete control over what to do about it.

I drew the Bone Collector - Reversed.  This card reminds me that I am whole and have everything I need within, which I believe but forget and need to be reminded from time to time.  In it's reversed position this card says that the past has a way of repeating itself when I haven't learned the lesson inherent in the original situation.  I am to see myself as a whole being and not one who is perpetually trying to heal an old wound.  I will repeat the past if I don't reclaim the things I believe were lost.  The information I seek lies in my history.  It is not time to dance the old dance once again but instead it is a call to retreat and choose differently.  The Bone Collector has a message:  "If you do what you did, you'll get what you got."  This message is given with deep love, respect and protection.

While this could refer to several things, the issue that jumps out to me is the one that made my school years a painful, traumatic experience.  I have dyslexia.  I hear they now have better ways of helping students with dyslexia, but in the 60s and 70s I don't recall any help other than being told to "read faster" and "get more homework done".  I can't put into words how terrifying those years were for me.  I didn't really understand what was wrong with me, I just knew something was very wrong.  I carried the labels of "Lazy" and "Stupid" well into my adult years.  After some good therapy and a life time of experiences that contradicted those labels, I now know that I am not at all lazy or stupid.  But I don't yet know it in the context of being in school.  It's amazing to me how traumas from long ago can suddenly feel fresh and raw.  I feel nearly paralyzed with the thought of being in a classroom setting again.  Honestly, sometimes it feels like I can't breath.  I've taken classes for fun over the years, but not college.  I think this has been a big part of the anxiety that has been building this week.  (I only decided to go back to school about 2 weeks ago so this is all very new to me).

Plan:  Sit with the reminder that it is time to let go of the old dance and to choose differently.  I have everything within me that I need.  This doesn't mean that I will be successful in school. I may not even be able to get through the first semester.  But I feel drawn to do this and trust that it is the next step.  I realize in this moment that I have always regretted not trying to go back to school.  Now I can let go of that regret.  My dream is to experience school again, regardless of the outcome.