Ok, let me try this again. "My teacher, who teaches my Dummy Math class, would be so proud". Oh, that's better. I'm going to get sued if I'm not careful. I actually like my math teacher who, thankfully, has been very kind and helpful to me. I'll have to reread this in the light of day to make sure it is making any kind of sense - or not. I did say I was going to be an authentic blogger.
So, back to work math.
Being the last shift of the 24 hour day cycle, it's up to me to add up all the Is and Os. Or in layman's terms, Intakes and Outputs. Meaning, what you drink in, and what you pee out. You gotta understand something about us nurses - nothing is sacred when it comes to bodies, bodily fluids, and bodily functions. If your body does it, we make it our business. And trust me, that's exactly what you want us to be doing. We don't bat an eye about it. But I do understand that it can be confusing, off putting, or even down right gross. We nurses don't care. And if you put up any kind of a fight about it, we are going to win that battle. We will measure it, withhold it, or give you extra of it even if you don't want it. Asking probing questions is our specialty, and we will get our answers. We leave no important stone unturned. We will collect that stool sample to smear it on a test card to see if it has blood in it. We will scan your bladder, then stick a catheter up your urethra to siphon off the excess if your body is unable to do it. And we will do a head to toe skin assessment, and I mean head to toe! But we will be kindly about it while we are educating you on the importance of what we are doing. And we always do it with a doctor's order. You are in good hands with us. We will only be doing those things to you that are necessary for your well being and recovery.
I had a patient tonight on Fluid Restrictions. This is when the nurses refuse to give you something to drink even if you are thirsty and you beg us for water. Remember we are kind nurses and we are only doing this for your own good! Which can be explained...unless the patient is confused. Which was the case tonight. And I don't mean the sweet, pleasant confusion. I mean the psychotic kind which can (and does) involve the patient screaming for water at the top of her lungs laced with all kinds of accusations to the point where visitors are ready to call the police on us. Never mind that her sodium is dangerously low and too much water can draw out even more. I have an educational conversation with her (again) and get her buy-in to not drink more water (again). But in 10 minutes she starts screaming again and doesn't seem to remember anything we have just discussed. Just a typical night.
It always seems to me to be one of life's great ironies, that I have to chart at the end of the shift. Of course, it has to be this way because the thing has to happen before you can write about it. I get it. But why, oh why, do I have to write about everything I've done all shift long, in the middle of the night, when I'm tired and don't have all that many brain cells still functioning. Oh the injustice of it all! And the very last thing I do tonight is my Is and Os. You think writing in the middle of the night is hard? Try doing math!!! Granted it's just addition...but still! So, I get everything tallied and the numbers are sort of blurring in and out when a CNA (certified nurses assistant) comes to my rescue. He whips out his phone calculator and rechecks my calculations. I am spot on!
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