I recently saw the Gilmore Girls' episode when Rory dreams that her mother is Madeleine Albright. In the scene, Madeleine Albright plays herself! I'm still giggling every time I think about it. Rory and her mother Lorelei have this freakishly close, girlfriend-like relationship. I try not to think the word enmeshment, and just enjoy it because for the story line, it works. Plus Rory gets her chance to individuate in the end, so what's not to love.
Ah, but I digress. Back to Madeleine. Every year at the time of Rory's birth (4:03 AM), Lorelei wakes up Rory by coming into her room, laying in bed with her and telling her the story of her delivery in histerical and blatant terms. "It was like doing the splits over a pile of dynamite...I was swearing like a sailor - on leave." But this time, it's Madeleine Albright who is running the lines. Priceless.
Have I mentioned my recent obsession with Gilmore Girls? I heard on NPR a couple of months ago that Netflicts may be bringing it back. I think the original show is about 15 years old and at the time I probably only saw the first session or two There are seven, so I'm enjoying what is for me, a fresh new story. The writer Amy Sherman-Palladino said that if they do the show again, it would be done right (good writing, good story line, etc). I decided that if they are going to do it again, I wanted to see the old stuff first. I had forgotten how witty and fun this dramedy is. It's the absolute perfect balance of brainless entertainment, and intelligent, rapid-fire dialogue that one must pay close attention to, or you miss it. It's jam packed with obscure pop culture references and smart, quick banter. Hold on to your hat cuz it's a zany ride. And it came into my life at a much needed time.
I had a mini melt down a while back (see my blog post in October - "Semi Silent Sob in a Stall") Long story short, I realized that I couldn't keep up this pace. I jumped into school a year ago with my usual "get it done" determination which has gotten me far in life. Oh, the long list of accomplishments I could show you. But the truth is, I have come to believe that the price is too high. I have paid dearly for my "go to" attitude over the years with illnesses and burnout of several professions. The older I get, the more I ask, "why?". Actually, I know why. I've had a life time of pushing speed on the hamster wheel. The faster I go, the less I have to feel. The upside of this story is that I'm learning and healing. Good therapy over the years, good healers, good support, all have made a positive difference in my life. I can now spot my old patterns faster, and I'm clearer that I am working to heal and release those patterns.
Recently, as I mapped out my curriculum until graduation, I realized I would be in school another two and a half years. My original plan was to bulldoze through it. I can do anything! There is nothing that can stop me! And although that may be true, my wake up call in the bathroom stall told me, that's not what I want my life to look like. Other than school and work this year, I haven't done a whole lot. Social and personal time has been pretty much non existent. I can't even tell you the last time I went to a movie. No money. No time. And as I saw this same path stretching out before me for the next two and a half years, I felt a serge of depression.
I might consider pushing ahead at this breakneck speed, but I know that's not why I'm here. That's not what this is all about. I'm interested in soul work. My soul work. And that demands balance. So I am backing down from 9 credits to 6 for next semester. This will of course push back graduation. But in all my frenzy this year, I had forgotten why I started this whole thing in the first place. I want to learn something new because that would be fun. Sure the deploma will be great, and more money is always nice. But none of that is worth putting off joy. Maybe it's because I'm older now but I think to myself, "Susan, how much longer are you going to wait?... How much longer will you put off peace?... Why not have it now?... Why not be in balance now?"
So I flipped on Netflix for practically the first time in a year, and there they were. The Gilmore Girls. Don't get me wrong, TV is the last place I want to spend much of my precious time. But after a long, hard day, there is something sweet about laughing and crying over good entertainment It's OK for me to go there. I allow myself to let go and have some fun. Of course, when I slow my hamster wheel down, the emotions will come. That's what happens when we pull back from our addictive behaviors. But I'm ready. I know what some of those issues are and they scare me. But I'm ready.
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