Wow! What a card. If you'd liked to tell me, what are the things feeling most chaotic right now? You mentioned your finances and how it makes you feel unrest. I love the line, "Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you, so the truest parts of yourself remain." Are you finding that you're holding tightly onto things that are meant to go?
______________________________ Susan's Response:
Man Sandy, I woke up early this morning with Spirit whispering in my ear to go and write - to respond to these questions. It's now 10:15 am and I have been on the computer this whole time... doing everything but responding to your questions. Talk about avoidance. I can tell this is big and up for me right now because I'm doing everything in my power to avoid it. I have no idea why or what's "up" exactly. But I know if I just start writing it will come out. Writing has always been a good way for me to process my world. So here goes.
What are the things feeling most chaotic right now?
I wasn't anxious this morning until I started writing this sentence. It's so interesting how the anxiety seems to be tied to my - Ego, I'll call it. The part of me that is invested in No Change. As long as I stay in my small life, doing my small things, and not paying attention to what wants to be seen and heard from my true inner self - a semblance of surface calm will prevail. But as soon as I even glance at what wants to be healed and dealt with on a deeper level, all hell breaks loose. Bring in my addictive behaviors now so I don't have to feel all of that! Even writing this paragraph feels like an avoidance to me answering the question.
What feels most chaotic in the moment is this crazy, off balance, fearful feeling I'm having while trying to answer this question. I didn't feel this all morning as I was avoiding doing this exercise, but now those emotions are swirling around me and through me. I feel confused and distracted. It's an effort to focus on this exercise.
One of the areas in where I feel unrest, is in my finances, for sure. I live in an odd paradox of belief that I must live at a zero balance. On the other hand, I also feel that my needs will always be met. What does that look like in my life? For example, I mentioned in another blog that I had to pay $100 in bounced check fees last week. Because I run on a very tight budget, that money had to come out of my food budget. I had no idea how I was going to buy food. But I also had a calm feeling that I would be ok. I always am. And sure enough, for some unknown reason, my roommate paid his rent early. It was sitting on my desk the next day. I hadn't said anything to him, it was just there. My first thought was, "I guess I'll get to eat for the next two weeks after all".
So, yea, I've got that lesson under my belt. In recent times, I have understood and know that I am always taken care of. This applies to all aspects of my life. It's so tempting to just stop there in my healing progression. And maybe I would, except that I can feel the Benevolent Force of the Universe (or whatever you want to call it) doesn't want me to stop there. My comfort level is erupting in chaos. At least I have the foresight to know that it is a gift and not a punishment. But it doesn't feel any less shitty knowing that. But it does give me the knowledge that I can do something about it. So that's what is chaos in my life right now.
I agree with you Sandy, this line jumped out at me when I read it, "Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you, so the truest parts of yourself remain." And I guess your question is key, "Are you finding that you're holding tightly on to things that are meant to go? What am I holding on to?
I'll just start typing and see what comes out...
______________________________ Susan's Response:
Man Sandy, I woke up early this morning with Spirit whispering in my ear to go and write - to respond to these questions. It's now 10:15 am and I have been on the computer this whole time... doing everything but responding to your questions. Talk about avoidance. I can tell this is big and up for me right now because I'm doing everything in my power to avoid it. I have no idea why or what's "up" exactly. But I know if I just start writing it will come out. Writing has always been a good way for me to process my world. So here goes.
What are the things feeling most chaotic right now?
I wasn't anxious this morning until I started writing this sentence. It's so interesting how the anxiety seems to be tied to my - Ego, I'll call it. The part of me that is invested in No Change. As long as I stay in my small life, doing my small things, and not paying attention to what wants to be seen and heard from my true inner self - a semblance of surface calm will prevail. But as soon as I even glance at what wants to be healed and dealt with on a deeper level, all hell breaks loose. Bring in my addictive behaviors now so I don't have to feel all of that! Even writing this paragraph feels like an avoidance to me answering the question.
What feels most chaotic in the moment is this crazy, off balance, fearful feeling I'm having while trying to answer this question. I didn't feel this all morning as I was avoiding doing this exercise, but now those emotions are swirling around me and through me. I feel confused and distracted. It's an effort to focus on this exercise.
One of the areas in where I feel unrest, is in my finances, for sure. I live in an odd paradox of belief that I must live at a zero balance. On the other hand, I also feel that my needs will always be met. What does that look like in my life? For example, I mentioned in another blog that I had to pay $100 in bounced check fees last week. Because I run on a very tight budget, that money had to come out of my food budget. I had no idea how I was going to buy food. But I also had a calm feeling that I would be ok. I always am. And sure enough, for some unknown reason, my roommate paid his rent early. It was sitting on my desk the next day. I hadn't said anything to him, it was just there. My first thought was, "I guess I'll get to eat for the next two weeks after all".
So, yea, I've got that lesson under my belt. In recent times, I have understood and know that I am always taken care of. This applies to all aspects of my life. It's so tempting to just stop there in my healing progression. And maybe I would, except that I can feel the Benevolent Force of the Universe (or whatever you want to call it) doesn't want me to stop there. My comfort level is erupting in chaos. At least I have the foresight to know that it is a gift and not a punishment. But it doesn't feel any less shitty knowing that. But it does give me the knowledge that I can do something about it. So that's what is chaos in my life right now.
I agree with you Sandy, this line jumped out at me when I read it, "Everything that doesn't work is being taken from you, so the truest parts of yourself remain." And I guess your question is key, "Are you finding that you're holding tightly on to things that are meant to go? What am I holding on to?
I'll just start typing and see what comes out...
- My weight
- My aversion to being seen
- My need to be small
- My need to feel unimportant
- My need to not connect with anyone too deeply
- My need to feel ill and thus incapacitated.
No comments:
Post a Comment